Glass Express

[iamreppard]

Glass Express

Demon dressed in grayer smoke
Than ashes in the sea
The willing make the lion choke
A grin of life and glee
Welcoming a walking death
A road of bone and blood
Running with a hurried breath
Head first into the flood
Freedom finally in reach
A ticket on a train
Glass express, where sinners preach
and preachers go insane

[RomeoAGoGo]

This starts off talking about a demon, then switches to some random metaphor about lions choking, followed by some bone, blood, death abstractions, then dwindles into nonsensical ramblings.

What exactly are you talking about here?

[Scholz]

I almost failed English in college so I'm gonna say that doesn't make sense. Prove me wrong.

[OveriseFan]

This is all over the place and (to me) lacks true forethought and meaning. The rhyming is horrible too, because it's what causes the awkwardness between lines. Rhyme typically adds to the flow of a piece, but here it detracts. I don't think you really know what you want to say, so you tried saying random, nonsensical metaphors and hoped that they were cohesive.

I think this is something you wrote for the sake of writing, rather than for expression.

[iamreppard]

This starts off talking about a demon, then switches to some random metaphor about lions choking, followed by some bone, blood, death abstractions, then dwindles into nonsensical ramblings.

What exactly are you talking about here?


This poem is about heroin addiction. Demon being heroin. The lion is a junky born a leo. people who can't find hypodermic needles often smoke heroin with a glass pipe and aluminum foil...the rest of the poem should explain itself.

[iamreppard]

This is all over the place and (to me) lacks true forethought and meaning. The rhyming is horrible too, because it's what causes the awkwardness between lines. Rhyme typically adds to the flow of a piece, but here it detracts. I don't think you really know what you want to say, so you tried saying random, nonsensical metaphors and hoped that they were cohesive.

I think this is something you wrote for the sake of writing, rather than for expression.


I think you are an idiot. The rhyming is near perfect if that is something you are actually going to criticize. Sure, the metaphors aren't blatanly obvious but as you can see from the post about this piece was inspired by something and not just for the sake of writing.

[OveriseFan]

I think you are an idiot. The rhyming is near perfect if that is something you are actually going to criticize. Sure, the metaphors aren't blatanly obvious but as you can see from the post about this piece was inspired by something and not just for the sake of writing.

You need to calm the fuck down and take criticism. I don't know what I ever did to you, but clearly you don't want to take any advice, so I won't give it in the future. But I'd start humming a different tune, or else everyone here will stop reading your work. The rhyming, I thought, was what was causing the ideas to jump around too much. (I didn't know all those things about heroine: It makes a little more sense now.) It wasn't that the rhymes were bad, it's that I thought that was holding the piece back. I still think you are relying too much on your readers...

Clearly, though, everything I say is wrong, and you are the most talented writer (After all, it's perfect.) ever.

You avoid me, I avoid you, things'll be good.

[iamreppard]

You need to calm the fuck down and take criticism. I don't know what I ever did to you, but clearly you don't want to take any advice, so I won't give it in the future. But I'd start humming a different tune, or else everyone here will stop reading your work. The rhyming, I thought, was what was causing the ideas to jump around too much. (I didn't know all those things about heroine: It makes a little more sense now.) It wasn't that the rhymes were bad, it's that I thought that was holding the piece back. I still think you are relying too much on your reader to understand these anecdotes...

Clearly, though, everything I say is wrong, and you are the most talented writer (After all, it's perfect.) ever.

You avoid me, I avoid you, things'll be good.

Hey man, I never said I was perfect but i know what a rhyme is and they are in this piece. As far as talent, I'm not even sure I have any but from the pieces I've seen you post, you lack originality yet you give criticism like you are some sort of expert. I just think you should work on your own work before you start trying to fix everyone elses.

[RomeoAGoGo]

This poem is about heroin addiction. Demon being heroin. The lion is a junky born a leo. people who can't find hypodermic needles often smoke heroin with a glass pipe and aluminum foil...the rest of the poem should explain itself.


Ah I see. You should try and make that more clear to the reader by throwing in some more concrete language. At first read, it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say.

[iamreppard]

Ah I see. You should try and make that more clear to the reader by throwing in some more concrete language. At first read, it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say.


You are probably right my friend. I often get caught up in metaphors without thinking about how it is proceived. Thanks for the advice, I'll remember it in future writing.

[OveriseFan]

"I still think you are relying too much on your readers..."

"Ah I see. You should try and make that more clear to the reader by throwing in some more concrete language. At first read, it's a bit unclear what you're trying to say."

And yet I'm attacked for it...

That's it, I'm done.