umm check it out, comment

[punklet2101]

it's a bit long, but yeah .. enjoy. comment if you wish



Goodbye to my family,
Goodbye to my friends;
Until we meet again,
I wish you all the best.
If I could make things better,
Then believe me I would try,
But my failure to do so,
Makes me want to die.
How typical, how pathetic,
Once more, to turn unto a knife;
But at least this way is fitting,
To choose to end my life.

I leave this note upon my bed,
And take one last look back.
My ugly room, my memories,
The virtues that I lack.
The bear was once as big as me,
Sits upon my floor;
And my dusty violin,
Will not make music anymore.

Carefully, I make my way,
Down the creaking stairs;
Thinking, once more, sadly,
That no-one really cares.
But when I reach the room downstairs,
Something makes me pause;
Where the barren dining table,
Blends into the dull wood floors.

And as I stand, transfixed.
By the memory in my eyes;
A scene unfolds before me,
On the table worn and dry:
A father figure shouting,
Standing up, embodies power;
And a child whimpers, frightened,
Behind a vase of yellow flowers.

The father screams louder,
And the child begins to cry;
Everyone is staring,
With accusing frowns and eyes.
The child, so downtrodden,
Is a figure defeated, but –
For the two defiant eyes,
Fixed onto a chipped blue jug.

My tears now form a river,
It’s unjust, it’s so unfair;
“Lift your face!” is barked,
As I’m pulled up by my hair.
Terrified by the prospect,
Of what will happen next;
My eyes are screwed up fiercely –
My fists are tightly clenched.
And as I felt the slap endure,
My face barely hurt;
Before the vase arose before us,
And to flames, the flowers burst.

And as the blackened petals weep,
Down softly to the table;
The memory, the vision –
Grows steadily less stable.
Until I find myself,
Standing once again alone;
There is no turning back now,
And my mind now turns to stone.

I’m sitting on a bridge now,
Above a swirling river;
Huddled against cold rain,
And wind, I begin to shiver.
I reach blindly to my pocket, and,
Pull out a long thin knife;
This somehow is not,
I imagined, how I would end my life.

I push the blade into my wrist,
And it pierces through my skin;
The pain is quite euphoric,
The cut is deep and thin.
Through tearful eyes, I look
Down as my wrist steadily bleeds;
And I am calmed to see
Daffodils, in between the river’s reeds.

The flowers are no longer
Charred, or black, or burning;
I know they saved me once before,
Their message is unfurling.
And as I look below,
To the river’s edge they lace;
I know this world I’m leaving, is
Too beautiful a place.

I smile down at the flowers,
Floating in the river;
I’m beginning to grow weak,
And my body starts to quiver.
My head is so heavy now,
And my breathing enslaves me;
And as I bow my head, I know
The daffodils will save me.

[Rufio217]

Let me bow down, because that is genius, i loved it, i seriously loved, you have talent, don't waste it, embrace it and success will soon follow

[ohreak gurl 08]

i'm agreeing with rufio, it is freakin genious, and very good. i mean .. i can not explain in words how good it is ......

[Shorty1186dd]

K...I'm new to this site, so I don't know if I'm doing this right, but here I go anyway. That poem...is like....wow. You gave me, the reader, many vivid images. I don't know about you, or anyone else, but I write better when I feel strong emotion, mostly hurt or anger. It's obvious you had some strong emotions goin on there. Anyway, great job with the poem. Keep writing b/c it's awesome!

[punklet2101]

thanks so much guys :)

[Im_a_lil_crazy]

That was one of the best poems I've read in a long time!! It was really, really, really good. Definitely keep writing!!! Good luck (not that you need it!) and I bet you'll get published some day! I know I'd read you're book.

[boxcar racer]

best i ever think ive read... alot of it gave me goosebumps... keep those feelings on paper, cause youve got to much talent...

[BuriedAlive]

ya its good but i stopped half way through cuz my brain was starting to hurt, it is really long

[decisionpending]

holy shit... i can feel tears welling up in my eyes and that doesn't happen often/ at all, that was purely amazing, on a slightly less depressing note, where in sydney you from? something with numbers rock!!!

[dakknox]

i've noticed all the positive reply's, but you will see nothing new, i thought that was insanely well written, in depth pictures formed inside my head and i loved it, i could picture you falling and the flowers just being a blanket of pure comfort catching you, embracing you i honestly love this piece , well written, it's 3 in the morning and i'm an no longer tired, i'm now very awake that was a great piece, much love, later

[punklet2101]

Hey,

Thanks so much for the awesome comments guys!

decisionpending - im from the northern beaches .. yeah, something with numbers do rock!! saw them at harboard recently, they were awesome.

http://www.somethingwithnumbers.cjb.net

[Alex Djaferis]

that. was. amazing.

the thing about the teddy bear being as big as you at one point moved me...

[Rufio217]

I'll say ti again I LOVED IT, yeah it was moving, teared-up just alittle thoughyaknow i got my mocho guy composure to keep here....ha ha ha:D ;) :p

[Chaotic Dreamer]

DAMN... i just got to this forum and this is the first thing I read... and I must say that it is marvelous. I wish I had the talent you acquire. That poem is brilliant and moveing... I must say I love it.

[maybe_mayhem]

yeah, what everyone else said. truly amazing. where can we find some of your other poems? i would really like to read more from you and i'm sure everyone else would too.

[BuriedAlive]

i know this is a great poem but i think you guys should read and comment on the others. i mean this one is getting all the attention and other people have done what the person has and could possibly written better

[Rufio217]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
i know this is a great poem but i think you guys should read and comment on the others. i mean this one is getting all the attention and other people have done what the person has and could possibly written better


DUDE, your always raining on someones parade, STOP THAT, it's annoying

[Rufio217]

I'm just posting this to see if I can piss off Buried Alive b/c he's so cute when he gets mad........ha ha ha ha ha

[punklet2101]

Hey again

Yeah, Thanks so much to everybody's nice comments, it really means a lot to me and I really really appreciate it, so thanks a lot!!

Buried Alive is probably right, and there are some awesome poems on this forum so we should go crazy over everyone's! :D

Thanks soo much again for your response, it has made me decide to pursue writing more. For a little while I was unsure about what I was composing but now I feel encouraged. You guys are awesome!

To the person who wanted to hear more of my stuff - if you like, you can IM me on aol, my screen name is dr punklet. So if you message me i'll be happy to send you the files on my computer.

:)

[bigweener]

that was stunning. it was truly captivating. dont let your skill go to waste. you put a crap load of emotion into that. thats the best poem ive ever read.

[nxthursday187]

i liked reading your poem. it's good to know someone feels similar to the way i do

[punklet2101]

i liked reading your poem. it's good to know someone feels similar to the way i do

Thank You.

Hey, you're never alone. :)

[BuriedAlive]

i wasnt trying to sound like a dick. i was only proving a point. he has gotten all the post while no one else has gotten pretty much none

[punklet2101]

i wasnt trying to sound like a dick. i was only proving a point. he has gotten all the post while no one else has gotten pretty much none

i'm a girl.

and ya, understood

[BuriedAlive]

sorry. i guess the he thing kinda is normally an obvious answer. but yes girls can sometimes write even better. and yes im sorry for calling you a guy.

[punklet2101]

sorry. i guess the he thing kinda is normally an obvious answer. but yes girls can sometimes write even better. and yes im sorry for calling you a guy.

no problem

[xcountryqt09]

Ok- so I'm just repeating what everone has already said. The poem is amazing. The images are so strong - ya I teared up. Wow. Keep writing.. you've got talent.

[D.B.Cooper]

I'm not posting any more poems on this page after reading that. I'd just get laughed at.
Kudos, to you i take off my hat:approve:

[rainbowmafia21]

god that was awesome

[OctoberNights]

you have tons of talent to beable to write that. It was amazing and i really enjoyed reading it.

[actual dork]

I don't know how to describe in words how moving that was. You are very talented and I hope you pursue some type of writing career. It was very touching and you are truly gifted.

Good job!

[punklet2101]

Thank You.

Much Love. xoxo

[nards228]

I'm going to get flamed for this, but I don't really care. My thoughts:

You have some powerful imagery early in the poem with the violin. That'd good stuff.

You drag it on far too long. If you can make it powerful in fifty lines, you can make it twice as powerful if you only use thirty. Or twenty. Granted, at some point you can't pare something down any further, but I would work on the length.

Like every poem ever written by anybody in the pre-teen - immediately post-teen range, it's self-centered and melodramatic. The melodrama and self-centeredness stem from the fact that you directly address the issue at hand using the first person viewpoint. It is often far more effective to write about the concept of loneliness by describing a man waiting alone at a bus stop than it is to say, "I am so lonely / Why did you leave me? / I want to kill myself."

I'm not saying the poem is bad. I'm just saying it needs some work. Tighten it up, eliminate the baggage imagery, and pare down the melodrama. Other than that, you've got a solid thing going for you.

And to all you assholes who are going to shriek at me for daring to criticize this - the author invited criticism, and I'm offering it. Having three dozen people say, "God that's incredible" isn't as helpful as having one person express what he sees as some minor issues. I hope you understand that, but I know some of you won't. In short - great start, you just need to do some editing. All poets do . . . Rome wasn't built in a day.



Rennard

[punklet2101]

Originally posted by nards228
I'm going to get flamed for this, but I don't really care. My thoughts:

You have some powerful imagery early in the poem with the violin. That'd good stuff.

You drag it on far too long. If you can make it powerful in fifty lines, you can make it twice as powerful if you only use thirty. Or twenty. Granted, at some point you can't pare something down any further, but I would work on the length.

Like every poem ever written by anybody in the pre-teen - immediately post-teen range, it's self-centered and melodramatic. The melodrama and self-centeredness stem from the fact that you directly address the issue at hand using the first person viewpoint. It is often far more effective to write about the concept of loneliness by describing a man waiting alone at a bus stop than it is to say, "I am so lonely / Why did you leave me? / I want to kill myself."

I'm not saying the poem is bad. I'm just saying it needs some work. Tighten it up, eliminate the baggage imagery, and pare down the melodrama. Other than that, you've got a solid thing going for you.

And to all you assholes who are going to shriek at me for daring to criticize this - the author invited criticism, and I'm offering it. Having three dozen people say, "God that's incredible" isn't as helpful as having one person express what he sees as some minor issues. I hope you understand that, but I know some of you won't. In short - great start, you just need to do some editing. All poets do . . . Rome wasn't built in a day.



Rennard


For sure! I completely understand what you're saying. And I really really appreciate everybody's thoughts, so thanks heaps for writing this. :)

Hehe yeah you're right about the melodrama .. what can i say .. i'm a whiney 16 year old :D and i'm not going to deny what you said for a minute because it's so true! haha

Thanks again for your thoughts :) I really appreciate it.

xoxo