"You're All That My Heart Would Stop For..."

[SongWriter1986]

"You're All That My Heart Would Stop For..."

You had me at hello
Please don't ever let go
Of these moments we've shared
It just doesn't seem so fair
That you had me at hello
And now you wanna say goodbye
The rain is falling upon this town
Of course I'm feeling so down
That I can't go outside to play
I'm trying to listen to what you have to say
But it's like I can't hear you
Your voice always takes me back, to
The times of love and pain
I feel like I'm going insane
Without you here, without you near
I miss you more than words, my dear
So come here and hold my hand
This is something that was planned
You smell like a beautiful rose
And I hope that this you won't oppose
It's not your fault that I'm crazy
For you, but I want to be your baby
Cuddle with me under my blanket
I think we both really need it
There's no need for the tears
It's all my fault, as it appears
So now it's time that I go
I really need you to know
That you'll always be in my heart
And that'll never get ripped apart...

I wrote this about 8 months ago...
let me know what you think.

[Judge'sDaughter]

You obviously have some pretty intense thoughts going around in your head.
I really liked it. Is it meant to be a song?
Not that you need to change it, but if this isn't working for you then you should try some more free-flowing verses or something of that nature.
A poem doesn't have to ryme, neither does a song.

[a speedo model]

The rhyming feels way too forced and it offers nothing for the reader to latch onto. It's just filled with cliches, that make it hard to get into. But keep writing. These things take time.

[black rose]

i read the first line and it's extremely cliche.
i've heard that a million times.

...real critique later.