help

[proeuthanasia]

for a moment lonliness treads a step ahead of pain
and calmly i trace the vertical course of my veins


something sounds off to me. any helpful suggestions?

[prozac mnms]

Originally posted by proeuthanasia
[B]for a moment lonliness treads a step ahead of pain
and calmly i trace the vertical course of my veins


for a moment loneliness treads a step before pain
and calmly i'm tracing the course of my veins

that probably not a big help but i felt as if i should at least make an attempt

[proeuthanasia]

Originally posted by prozac mnms
for a moment loneliness treads a step before pain
and calmly i'm tracing the course of my veins

that probably not a big help but i felt as if i should at least make an attempt


no, it gives me ideas, thanks. it sounds better. i like it better without the word 'vertical' in there, but i need it because it helps identify which particular veins i'm talking about