"Cement Slippers and Sleeping Fishes"...this is a good one

[Rufio217]

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

A friend stab me in the back, so i jumped of the bridge near his house to get out frustration, and this came to mind...plus the jump was pretty cool


"Sleeping In My Brand New Cement Slippers"

The feelings build
And it weighs you down
Like my cement slippers
Worn rafting in the river's water
And you'll find me here in the morning

Taking the knife out of your back
Is just another fight you'll lose
Don't you know true friends
stab each other in the front?
And it doesn't matter if I win,
Because I'm already dead on the inside
My only hope is you lose the rest of your life

So tonight I'll sleep with the fishes
And practice my breathing under water
So hold you breath, while I choke
And remember me
When you blowing out your candles
And your gasping for air
'Cause that is how I feel right now

Close your eyes
Gasp for one last breathe
And let go
It's not so bad
A desperate act off the M -Town bridge
Two stories down into the waterfall
Construction signs say no access
But I am destined to make a "killer" splash

So tonight I'll sleep with the fishes
And practice my breathing under water
So hold you breath while I choke
And remember me
When you blowing out your candles
And your gasping for air
'Cause that is how I feel right now

A body lays dead
Tossed in the river rapids
But it's ok
The cement slippers are my savior
So rest in your bed
While I'm sleeping with my new friends
At least the have no hands
To stab me in the back

So hold your breath...while...I...CHOKE
And remember me when you hit rock bottom
Like I did, Or did I hit the rock at the bottom?
I don't remember
But I found my new friends

THE END

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

[kim_angel]

whoa i think that sounds awsome!!
i especially like the part where it says
real friends stab you in the front
good words:D

[wewin]

First of all, the premise is much like the premise for most hardcore songs i've ever heard. "stabbed in the back" is a cliche...and the "true friends stab each other in the front" isn't even your line.

I like the imagery of cement slippers, and I think that you could take that image and make a much better song.

[Rufio217]

Isn't my line, it popped into my head when i was writing so how is it not? i just looked it up adn saw, yes it is in other songs, and obviously they thought it up, so why is it I could not have? do you even know what a cliche is?

[Rufio217]

the onyl way it could be considered a cliche is that, the process of writing about friends betrayal is overused, buit as long as it keeps happeing it will be written about...and the premise may be similar b/c shit happens to a lot of people, so people write about it, and it happens to be similar shit that happens

[wewin]

The real question is: Do YOU know what a cliche is?

cli·ché also cliche ( P ) Pronunciation Key (kl-sh)
n.
A trite or overused expression or idea. -from dictionary.com

A song about betrayal doesn't have to be grounded in real life, it just has to be good. You didn't write about betrayal in a new way OR in an interesting way, and thus you are another soul lost in a wasteland of shit and boring writing.

The "true friends stab you the the front" is another cliche, as you have said yourself. It is in OTHER SONGS. MEANING THAT IT IS UNORIGINAL FOR YOU TO INCLUDE IT. It is an idea that is in our cultural consciousness already, right? So why do you need to attach that line, yet another overly used cliche, to your already staggering PILE of cliches that you call a song?

What the hell is the point of this song? If it's trying to describe the feeling of betrayal, then it's not doing a very good job.

"A friend stab me in the back, so i jumped of the bridge near his house to get out frustration, and this came to mind...plus the jump was pretty cool "

That's what you said, right? So why can't you write about it like that? It seems like you thought the jump was kinda cool, so why can't you right something about how it WAS serious but the jump was cool? You don't need to dramatize your life experiences to make a good song, just write something true.

Use metaphors if you want, I still like the idea of concrete slippers, just write something NEW...a new take on betrayal, a new way of talking about it, or just a really really insanely well put-together arrangement.

Your's isn't new or well-made.

"LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK"

That's what you said, right? If you meant "praise my song" then say it and I'll leave you alone. Beneath all the abuse I'm subjecting you to is some advice, though, and you should take it.

[Rufio217]

BUMP UP for analyzation

[GREENatarisDAY]

that looks pretty damn good man

[Rufio217]

thanks

[Mobilize]

Those are really good

[kage3212]

Yes i think this is lyrcally astounding i think it is very well written and put together.....

[Rufio217]

I appreciate teh praise gusy it's great but i need to know what you liked if you liked it and what you hated about it and whta i coudl do to possible improve it...