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Twenty5
01/07/07, 10:51 AM
I just wrote and didn't edit it at all, it's all one sentence. Tell me it sucks so that will make me go and write a better one.

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There’s something inside of me of what used to be disgrace, I can’t stand but to hesitate when I see your face in the moonlight tonight so familiar in my mind, I’ve seen you a thousand times and everything’s alright inside but I know I can’t steal this love away when I think about it every day, no possibly way to sleep at night when my mind is on us yet again it will never end I hope for life for a disguise inside to take me away and show me the way to possibilities, my inner-abilities, hidden lies and despise of my cowardice to say I miss this moment we share everywhere we go together, never alone but I am always alone, never flown to heaven’s gates only hell’s disgrace and back again, never to end, never to cease the moments that matter the most from coast to coast of my imagination, one giant nation of people that never knew that all I need is you and yet I wonder the thunder of love never enough for anybody who will never change despite the pain and suffering, plundering aimlessly into dark blue clouds of H2O they didn’t know this world that they’re living in, love coming to an end, it’s everything that’s inevitable but always possible to fight tonight, today, words in my mind nothing to say but what I’m feeling inside never dies, it arises from it’s ashes of blasphemy inside of me flies away and looks back to see the lonely day.

apoemtothedead
01/07/07, 11:42 AM
Learn how to write a sentence.

black rose
01/07/07, 12:35 PM
it sucks?

uh that's what you wanted me to say....

but seriously, it's just a huge run-on sentence. that's not good. keep writing and learn about stanzas etc.

OveriseFan
01/07/07, 02:32 PM
it sucks?

uh that's what you wanted me to say....

but seriously, it's just a huge run-on sentence. that's not good. keep writing and learn about stanzas etc.

He doesn't need to learn about stanzas, per se, because he can write prose poetry.

However, writing prose poetry is not one run on sentence. You can make this many sentences just by replacing some commas with periods, otherwise it's not even correct punctuation.

This needs work.

Twenty5
01/07/07, 04:48 PM
Lol I didn't need pointers on punctuation, I know what a period is. And I know what stanzas are thanks br. Once I have time I'll make it into something like that. But I just wrote, and wrote, not worrying about that kind of stuff.

OveriseFan
01/07/07, 04:54 PM
Lol I didn't need pointers on punctuation, I know what a period is. And I know what stanzas are thanks br. Once I have time I'll make it into something like that. But I just wrote, and wrote, not worrying about that kind of stuff.

Well then maybe you should write like you know what you're talking about, rather than just using a comma in place of a period.

P.S. "possibly way" is wrong. It should (probably) be "Possible way".

black rose
01/07/07, 05:26 PM
James, I meant that he needs to learn about structure more than just stanzas per se.