Fickle

[wewin]

Fickle

The hollowing digs at this guarded core
Worming leviathan downs fruit-fleshed deep
Breaching all gates and hungry for more
This is the fallen whose mouth cannot sleep

The exit wounds of a punctured moon
Where have all its children gone?
Splattered pulp, the vultures swoon
Over the lost moon cubs they fawn

Eyeless and patient for the next day of dark
These hydra’s heads are too many to fight:
Bleaching the beak of the trembling lark,
Ingesting the husked skin shucked that night.

I saw the apple, I saw the fall
I saw the worm, and gravity’s throw
I saw the birds, the seeds, and all
The losing trees that did not grow

[wadejunkie]

i like the last 4 lines alot

i dont like the greek allusion, right now it just sounds too forced, but i dunno.

[BuriedAlive]

forced song. also it was hard for me to finish reading cuz it was fairly boring. nothing reached out and grabbed me

[Rufio217]

A
B
A
B

A
B
A
B

A
B
A
B

DUDE, no more A B progression, that is a rhyming technique we learned oh so long ago....learn MELODY, it is so much better...

[wewin]

yeah, AB AB. Wrote it for an english assignment, "write an AB type poem". I dunno. I don't like the hydra lines and I guess I just never thought about changing it away from the AB and keeping the idea. I should do that.

Thanks for responses.

Suggestions on making it not boring?

[BuriedAlive]

word it better. but when you play it it wont make a difference. it was just hard for me to get through the song cuz i was tired.