Slave Scheme

[wewin]

Slave Scheme
The rose’s schematic stretched, bathing in the dumpster:
stage to games on chessboards,
pawns and kings hunt each other

Blueprints of chaos hiding and seeking.
In the landfills, revolution is leaking.

Which scavenger shall be the architect of the future?
The lowest among us, five fingers slaved to one broom?
The lowest among all, thieves of meat and soul?

Sanitary fingers, meet scavenging feet.
Nice to meet you.

Pitting the skin of jumpsuits and the coats of feather.

Conflagration in the sand of violated washing machines.

Spitting nametagged flesh, spitting ingrained titles
Windex blood smudged ‘cross the index of broken bottles.

Six-hundred and sixty-six steps to correct
Beeping clicking humming traps,
inside, and smeared into our chairs
sewn into our television sets.

I fear that this world will be crushed by the weight of our computers
deafened by the cackling of crows

[BuriedAlive]

this is the only song i could actually read the whole thing of still nothing i would consider amazing or great or anything thing like that

[wewin]

Is it me or are you like on a hate rampage? Tell me if it's me, 'k?
I don't want you to waste time hating me.

And if you don't like it, tell me why. I put these songs up for criticism, and that's the only way I'll get better. If they don't suck too much for you to read them all the way through and comment constructively, then do that and it'll help me out.

Thanks for the comments.

[BuriedAlive]

ok this song is fairly good. but your trying to show you have a large vocab by using a large word every other word. i think you should just try to get the point across instread of trying to using larger words to make it look better

[wewin]

hey, guess what? Those words AREN'T big words!! They're just words that some people, including me, know!! NONE of them are obscure!! If I was trying to show off my vocabulary, I'd use words like "obfuscate" which is an obscure word for "confuse"!! Most people know what all the words I used meant!!

Also, you should learn grammar.


ok this song is fairly good. but your (SHOULD BE YOU'RE...for YOU ARE) trying to show (THAT) you have a large vocab by using a large word every other word. i think you should just try to get the point across instread (INSTEAD, maybe?) of trying to using (TRYING TO USE, NOT TRYING TO USING)larger words to make it look better

Tell me the big, confusing words and I'll explain them to you. Poetry is about making things sound nice, about arranging words in a way that is aethestically pleasing and interesting.

That is all.

[wadejunkie]

yeah man, instead of just calling my songs or others "horrible" or "bad" you could at least explain. we shouldnt have to ask you to

[BuriedAlive]

what i meant was that hes using larger words to spice up whats there and to me it seems that they dont mesh well together. im sorry i dont see what you think. and its not my fault he writes poor and i dont like his lyrics.

[Rufio217]

WEWIN, you asked he told you, don't go off on him because you don't like his criticism, i will tell you valuable advice someone once told me, if you want a pat on the back then say pat me on the bac for this not critic this for me...........OK?

[wadejunkie]

"Sanitary fingers, meet scavenging feet.
Nice to meet you. "

i like that part alot. i like this whole song because it really comes across as being dirty, which is i guess what you were trying to do. talk about the downfall of society and the rise of technology and crazy shit.


back to your words being 'obscure,' the only word i dont know is "schematic" but it must vae something to do with scheme. so i disagree about the big words and stuff

[wewin]

bump