broken friendship

[GREENatarisDAY]

i dont think many of you guys really seem to pay attention or bother to give an input on my songs but here it goes

words as stale as our days
those days float around in my head
though my heads full of lies

times as lost as this friendship
more lost than me
I think that ship was full of lies

-chorus
more time to let this go
more time to think of what to say
cant find anywhere to go
I guess im just a stray....dog

days as old as you're voice
being left is the right choice
smoke and alcohol will prevail

silence screaming out for more
a rich taste added with some poor
poor sense of trust

[TheFallenScene]

--Downfalls-- :(
To be honest I don't really like this song. I don't give good descriptions on why, but the chorus is very weak. "I guess im just a stray....dog " sorry it is a horrible line.

--Rise Up-- :D
"words as stale as our days" for some reason that line just sticks out to me and I think it's great. Also "silence screaming out for more " is just as good.

Just improve the song using more of those types of lyrics or what-not. But in the end if you focus on it I think you can turn it around into a good song.

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by TheFallenScene
--Downfalls-- :(
To be honest I don't really like this song. I don't give good descriptions on why, but the chorus is very weak. "I guess im just a stray....dog " sorry it is a horrible line.

--Rise Up-- :D
"words as stale as our days" for some reason that line just sticks out to me and I think it's great. Also "silence screaming out for more " is just as good.

Just improve the song using more of those types of lyrics or what-not. But in the end if you focus on it I think you can turn it around into a good song.


yea i can understand why you dont like the chorus and what not, but i really like to keep that part simple and short. So if you ever read any of my other songs dont ever expect a good chorus. But thanks anyway

[lifelesslove]

there is no way to go around this point, this isn't a very quality piece of writing. Considering this is the first post i've read of yours, maybe their is better, or this is just an older one, but I think short, non-verbose lines of writing don't catch my attention. If i want to listen to something like that, i would pop in a rufio cd, or drown myself in new found glory....and i guess i'm just a stray dog, fallen scheme is right, that is pretty bad....but hey, i guess you progress over time, and your writing will get better.... i just don't enjoy it.

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by lifelesslove
there is no way to go around this point, this isn't a very quality piece of writing. Considering this is the first post i've read of yours, maybe their is better, or this is just an older one, but I think short, non-verbose lines of writing don't catch my attention. If i want to listen to something like that, i would pop in a rufio cd, or drown myself in new found glory....and i guess i'm just a stray dog, fallen scheme is right, that is pretty bad....but hey, i guess you progress over time, and your writing will get better.... i just don't enjoy it.

im not exactly sure what you are talking about. first of all....that sounds nothing close to NFG. If anything it has a taste of alkaline, and come on im hearing this from the guy who posted a few songs which sorta just looked like a rip off of a thursday song.

[MusicMends]

ya right.............. all you newbies are douchebags this song is good!

[wewin]

musicmends, you're undoubtably an idiot.

And this song is terrible!

The idea of "stale words" is overused. This whole song is full of stale words.

Times as lost as this friendship, more lost than me?
How can something be "more lost"? it just doesn' t make SENSE. You can't even justify it in the context of a poem because it doesn't create any image or idea at all, it's just a pile of filler words.

I think that ship was full of lies? At this point in the song you haven't yet mentioned a ship, let alone used any nautical theme or anything...it just doesn' t make sense, it's confusing (but not in a deep way, in a stupid and boring way) and it just drags this song further into hell.

What's with the "...dog" part? So you're saying dogs need "more time to let this go"? What the hell? Boring and weak. If you can't write a good strong chorus then why is it a chorus? I don't think anyone wants to hear a bad chorus, because if it's a chorus it'll be pounded into our heads over and over and OVER.
weak chorus=weak song

days as old as, not "you're", but "your". why are so many of you "songwriters" completely inept in the application of ENGLISH?

Being "left" is the right choice? What, like a democrat? You thought the contrast of "left" and "right" would make it interesting? This whole song has nothing holding it together, it's just a bunch of crappy single-line incomplete and retarded thoughts.

Is this "smoke and alcohol" line the part that you thought sounded like alkaline trio? Well, I have news for you, just cause you say alcohol and they appear to say that a lot doesn't mean anything. You've never mentioned smoke and alcohol before, and we're supposed to care about them prevailing?

Silence screaming? Silence can't SCREAM, it's QUIET, and this contradictory statement is overused and nonsensical. It doesn't make me think, "wow...silence can be loud!" it makes me think "wow...this song makes no sense!"

a rich taste added with some poor...some poor...this line sucks.
Anything to make it RHYME, right, GREENatarisDAY?

"Poor sense of trust..."
I hope you die before you write another song.

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by wewin
musicmends, you're undoubtably an idiot.

And this song is terrible!

The idea of "stale words" is overused. This whole song is full of stale words.

Times as lost as this friendship, more lost than me?
How can something be "more lost"? it just doesn' t make SENSE. You can't even justify it in the context of a poem because it doesn't create any image or idea at all, it's just a pile of filler words.

I think that ship was full of lies? At this point in the song you haven't yet mentioned a ship, let alone used any nautical theme or anything...it just doesn' t make sense, it's confusing (but not in a deep way, in a stupid and boring way) and it just drags this song further into hell.

What's with the "...dog" part? So you're saying dogs need "more time to let this go"? What the hell? Boring and weak. If you can't write a good strong chorus then why is it a chorus? I don't think anyone wants to hear a bad chorus, because if it's a chorus it'll be pounded into our heads over and over and OVER.
weak chorus=weak song

days as old as, not "you're", but "your". why are so many of you "songwriters" completely inept in the application of ENGLISH?

Being "left" is the right choice? What, like a democrat? You thought the contrast of "left" and "right" would make it interesting? This whole song has nothing holding it together, it's just a bunch of crappy single-line incomplete and retarded thoughts.

Is this "smoke and alcohol" line the part that you thought sounded like alkaline trio? Well, I have news for you, just cause you say alcohol and they appear to say that a lot doesn't mean anything. You've never mentioned smoke and alcohol before, and we're supposed to care about them prevailing?

Silence screaming? Silence can't SCREAM, it's QUIET, and this contradictory statement is overused and nonsensical. It doesn't make me think, "wow...silence can be loud!" it makes me think "wow...this song makes no sense!"

a rich taste added with some poor...some poor...this line sucks.
Anything to make it RHYME, right, GREENatarisDAY?

"Poor sense of trust..."
I hope you die before you write another song.

Wow that was unique, kinda like the sound when someone talks after they get a piano dropped on there head

Wow where should i start man, im really sorry that my song didnt make sense to you, but remember moron that you arent gonna understand it all the fucking time. Im not gonna write a song and make sure every fucking person out there gets it, i could fucking care less, just aslong as it makes sense to me.

If you really want me to explain all of this then fine i will, but for now this is all im gonna say. have a nice day dumbass :D

[Rufio217]

Music Mends, WHAT? this song is horrible, FIrst off you satrt out normal then hit an AAB rhyming scheme what is that about, and for future information GreenAtarisDay, DON"T FUCKING ASK FOR CRITICISM IF YOUR GOING TO BITCH AT PEPLE WHO GIVE IT TO YOU, the song sucks, deal with it end, point blank, period..............

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by Rufio217
Music Mends, WHAT? this song is horrible, FIrst off you satrt out normal then hit an AAB rhyming scheme what is that about, and for future information GreenAtarisDay, DON"T FUCKING ASK FOR CRITICISM IF YOUR GOING TO BITCH AT PEPLE WHO GIVE IT TO YOU, the song sucks, deal with it end, point blank, period..............




................................... .....................

[decisionpending]

once again, this is getting harsh and the criticsm isn't CONSTUCTIVE, wewin was giving nice criticism, but i hope you die before you write again (para.) is just not right! but GREENatarisDAY has got to stop taking the criticsm so damn personally, absorb what they say, think about it, then reply as to whether can justify the changes to yourself... seriously, be nice and constuctive, please

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by decisionpending
once again, this is getting harsh and the criticsm isn't CONSTUCTIVE, wewin was giving nice criticism, but i hope you die before you write again (para.) is just not right! but GREENatarisDAY has got to stop taking the criticsm so damn personally, absorb what they say, think about it, then reply as to whether can justify the changes to yourself... seriously, be nice and constuctive, please

im not really taking it personally i just thikn half the stuff said was totally ridiculous and i started this thread so i can give it back to em ya know what im sayin?

[decisionpending]

yeah, sure, but it's not as though you try to help people when they post a song
and a lot of the comments were, i believe, correct and fair (although wewin and rufio217 did take it a bit too far) and you have to deal with the fact that people aren't liking that... that's no reason for us to get mean though
this post is everywhere and non-sensical... i'll leave

[Rufio217]

I'm sorry, your right, just because he's is ignorant adn can't take criticism without calling the person a dumbass for doing what he asked, isn't any reason to be mean.............but dude the song really did blow, take some more time and work at it, and hopefully you'll get better, but don't create a tjhread just so when people analyze your music, like they are suppose to, you can call them a dumbass, a moron, a kid who had apiano dropped on his head<- what does that sound liek anyway <- but i do love the third grade mentality of come backs he seems to have...