The Song

[pearljamontoast]

You are surrounding yourself in lullabies
Songs that echo through your body
Making your heart beat faster
Sometimes you hear The Song
You feel your whole existence flashing before your eyes
Running out of that door
It throws thousands of glittering roses at you

Drifting through time
Drinking The Song
Crying at the sad and happy stories you gaze at on your way
You can only hear The Song

And at the concert of The Song
The singer’s only singing to you
He’s only reaching out to you
He understands and the words that come fluent flowing
Are waiting for you to grab hold
And keep in your pocket

The song ruined you
You lost that sunlight that always used to beam from your every pulse
Now your heart is dead
And I can’t have you back
You took it too far
So life blacked you out

Golden blood singing its twisted tune along his blue wrist
Making their own words of the life of the one
Chorusing spluttering, the lyrics drowning as he fell
Train tracks running embedded in his shell

[xwisebuddhax]

I like it.

[xwisebuddhax]

A little iffy on the flow tho.

[a speedo model]

This is actually pretty good. Two things:

This line kills the opening verse: It throws thousands of glittering roses at you
It just builds up and then that lines just sort of ends it without the energy. And it sounds bad.

Also, the continual referring to "The Song" I understand it's the title and subject of the piece but after a while the contant referral gets old and I started to get annoyed. I don't know, maybe try and use it less. Or maybe I'm just being picky. :shrug:

[pearljamontoast]

A little iffy on the flow tho.

By flow you mean the rhythm? I'm confused.

[pearljamontoast]

This is actually pretty good. Two things:

This line kills the opening verse: It throws thousands of glittering roses at you
It just builds up and then that lines just sort of ends it without the energy. And it sounds bad.

Also, the continual referring to "The Song" I understand it's the title and subject of the piece but after a while the contant referral gets old and I started to get annoyed. I don't know, maybe try and use it less. Or maybe I'm just being picky. :shrug:

Thanks for the feedback.

I meant something by the last line of the first verse, but I do see what you mean about it being weak.

Haha, you aren't being picky. Tis your opinion after all. Thing is, I like the fact that the whole song is about "The Song" and how in extreme cases, an obsession of something can take over your life and dictate how you lead it. I repeat it over and over because of the 'obsession' the person has with it...if that makes any sense.

[lostfear]

your just a song...and everybody knows the words...the more I hear it the more it hurts...

river city high.

concept reminded me of that song.

I will critique this later.

[pearljamontoast]

your just a song...and everybody knows the words...the more I hear it the more it hurts...

river city high.

concept reminded me of that song.

I will critique this later.

I've heard of river city high but never of the song.

Would be great if you could give your opinion.