ill take you're criticism

[GREENatarisDAY]

im really sorry to all of ya about the last thread, and how ddint really accept it and all. I admit i was being childish and stupid but i could really really use an input on this sappy little love song i started...so its short yea its not really put together well yet but then again, its only a start

If you give me your hand
I can give you a lift
I cant give you everything
But I can give you this gift
ill fly you to the clouds
we’ll watch the waves crash in the sea
the only place you’ll ever need to go
is where you’ll already be

you’re eyes are like the ocean
so wide and so blue
I was looking for an angel, and god sent me you

[Rufio217]

I am not a fan of hearing abotu eyes. I think it is to comon a term, i don't know but for some reason this screams early further seems forever when CC was still their, but it needs some work on the word usage it all seems too simple...

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by Rufio217
I am not a fan of hearing abotu eyes. I think it is to comon a term, i don't know but for some reason this screams early further seems forever when CC was still their, but it needs some work on the word usage it all seems too simple...


yea i thought so too. Im in the process of playing around with the words and changing em and what not, but thanks

[GREENatarisDAY]

yea i changed it around and i think its much better now, check it and tell me what you think of this version

If you give me your hand
I can exchange it with this gift
done so well so nicely
so cool so swift
ill sail you to the clouds
we’ll stag at the waves crash in the sea
the only place you’ll ever need to go
is where you’ll already be

you’re eyes glisten like the ocean
wide and blue
I was staring at an angel, I guess I was staring at you

oh the last line, i was thinking of switchin staring with leering or something but im not sure if that will sound good, tell me what you think about that

[kim_angel]

sorry but i like the way the first one is put together a lot better.
i think it is really good, you just need to think of some more good stuff to add to it

[Rufio217]

I agree

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by Rufio217
I agree

so you actually think its really good?

[Rufio217]

No i meant that i agreed to the first version being better than the redo....

[kim_angel]

i do, yes, you just need to add on to it

[xAlexisonfirex]

i personally do not like it. but thats just because its not my style.

too catchy and n'sync-y.

seriously sing it like a BSB song, especially the last lines.

but kim likes it so its not all bad if somebody likes it.

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by xAlexisonfirex
i personally do not like it. but thats just because its not my style.

too catchy and n'sync-y.

seriously sing it like a BSB song, especially the last lines.

but kim likes it so its not all bad if somebody likes it.

sorry it dosent sound like a thrice song

[xAlexisonfirex]

why are you being an asshole?

1. we're on the internet
2. you posted to get critiqued, so i gave you advice and was nice about it unlike most of these guys.
3. i could in all ikelihood whoop your ass

you got a shit hand kid, you better fold.

[GREENatarisDAY]

im really sorry i was seriously in just a really shitty mood

[xAlexisonfirex]

its cool man.

we're in a lyrics forum.

write it out :D