New Something, still untitled.

[black rose]

I'm horrible at naming songs...

Hotel rooms numbered 7-7,
Tells stories, tells lives.
Closed doors, fighting words, and your empty promise.
You don’t need me, I don’t need you.

Plastic cups, one half empty,
And your mind is in the gutter.
We all need this confidence-resonating confidence.
Followed by green some things and secretive whispers.
It’s five a.m. but life just began.
You live again.
You live,
Again.

Simple as three words that stick on your lips,
They were never meant to do harm.
This isn’t personal- this is your 9 to 5.
You’ve got four appointments waiting,
While I’ve got three.
I don’t need you, and you don’t need me.

Phones don’t ring, but my mind wanders.
That night, when it was all said and done…
Well let’s just say, your face lingers when I close my eyes at night.

You don’t need me- but I need you.

[a speedo model]

I liked this alot. Very nice work.

[black rose]

Thank you Josiah.:-)

[ArTkY_]

Not bad. I think its my favorite of what you've written.

[black rose]

:blush: aww you guys are too kind.

[naughty_or_nice]

I liked it, its just it didnt rhyme... but besides that i thought it was really good:-)

[OveriseFan]

It's dope. I'm going to gramatically edit it in a minute, but I want this line changed:

We all need this confidence-resonating confidence.

The use of confidence twice is unnecessary. Make it like "This consequence-resonating confidence." or something. I think that sounds better, and fits. But in the end, it's your decision.

[lalalalovely]

I liked it, its just it didnt rhyme... but besides that i thought it was really good:-)

poems/songs don't have to rhyme to be good.

I thought it was exellent.:-)

[OveriseFan]

poems/songs don't have to rhyme to be good.

I thought it was exellent.:-)

But it sure as hell doesn't hurt.

Look at the 'great' writers we remember, and most of them rhyme.

[black rose]

I liked it, its just it didnt rhyme... but besides that i thought it was really good:-)It did rhyme once, but thanks.

James, thank you for the suggestions. I'll work on them later. Right now I've got to get back to a public speaking report. Thanks again.

[JimGray]

I'm horrible at naming songs...

Hotel rooms numbered 7-7,
Tells stories, tells lives.
Closed doors, fighting words, and your empty promise.
You don’t need me, I don’t need you.

Plastic cups, one half empty,
And your mind is in the gutter.
We all need this confidence-resonating confidence.
Followed by green some things and secretive whispers.
It’s five a.m. but life just began.
You live again.
You live,
Again.

Simple as three words that stick on your lips,
They were never meant to do harm.
This isn’t personal- this is your 9 to 5.
You’ve got four appointments waiting,
While I’ve got three.
I don’t need you, and you don’t need me.

Phones don’t ring, but my mind wanders.
That night, when it was all said and done…
Well let’s just say, your face lingers when I close my eyes at night.

You don’t need me- but I need you.


I liked the bold parts, the rest I'm not so fond of. That last line, just drop it, too cliche.

[black rose]

I liked the bold parts, the rest I'm not so fond of. That last line, just drop it, too cliche.Okay thanks.

[Twenty5]

The last bold line, or the last line of the poem is too cliche??

The last line of the poem is a necessity, and it kind of finsihes the story you're telling.

It's kind of complicated to me but I'm sure you know what you're writing about.

"Folloed by green some things." - I don't know what that is?

But I liked it though, just seemed to have a couple holes.

[JimGray]

The last bold line, or the last line of the poem is too cliche??

The last line of the poem is a necessity, and it kind of finsihes the story you're telling.

It's kind of complicated to me but I'm sure you know what you're writing about.

"Folloed by green some things." - I don't know what that is?

But I liked it though, just seemed to have a couple holes.

It's not necessary

[strobelife]

I really dig this one but when I read that last line I was sort of dissapointed because it was the same old thing. I think that last line is necessary. But just not worded the way you have it. Example: "Your the sun and but I'm just one of the sunflowers in the field." Not my greatest line but it gets the point across. Because the sun doesnt need the sunflower, but the sunflower needs the sun. Try to come with something along those lines. Hope this helped.

[black rose]

I really dig this one but when I read that last line I was sort of dissapointed because it was the same old thing. I think that last line is necessary. But just not worded the way you have it. Example: "Your the sun and but I'm just one of the sunflowers in the field." Not my greatest line but it gets the point across. Because the sun doesnt need the sunflower, but the sunflower needs the sun. Try to come with something along those lines. Hope this helped.Exactly. The last line is a necessesity but not in the way it is. I need to get that point across. I'll work on changing it. Thanks!

[CellarGhosts]

I think it's great. It has a nice, smooth flow to it. Good job.