sunrise, sunset

[TEN1214]

I said, “hello sunset”
And you replied, “hello sunrise
Let’s do anything you want tonight
Is there a place you’d like to go?
Or are there any words that you think I should know?
I’ll be yours all you have to do is ask
I know it’s something you’ve been dying to get at.”
And I looked at you and looked away
I just find these words so hard to say
I know I’m leaving in the morning
But with this smile on my face I’ll take the chance
I know there’s no music but would you like to dance?
Would you be mine?


You said, “goodbye sunrise"
And I replied “goodbye sunset
I’ll see you in three months
Just wait here and believe in us
We can talk anytime you desire
I’ll always find a way to answer
All I need is your kiss on the cheek
And ill be happy as long as you think of me
Your pictures will line my bedside
And I’ll always whisper goodnight"

[a speedo model]

The first four lines of both were actually quite good but the rest was not. The rhyming is what killed it, very forced. You should let it come naturally and not put something in because it rhymes. Work on it, though. With some work this could be excellent.

[Alex Djaferis]

yeah its alright - just forced - sounds like it could have fit on the ataris "anywhere but here"

[JimGray]

The first four lines of both were actually quite good but the rest was not. The rhyming is what killed it, very forced. You should let it come naturally and not put something in because it rhymes. Work on it, though. With some work this could be excellent.

I agree, however, it is pretty good for a first post.

[TEN1214]

hey guys thank a lot for your feedback. i really apprediate it.