Cynicism

[Shatter590]

Back in 2001 i suffered a nervous breakdown after the end of spring semester. Faith and hope totally broken by a depressed professor i saw in three of my classes, I just gave up, and slept for the entire month of June. It took a long time to recover from that, but needless to say, depression entered my life for the first time.

October 2002: Second nervous breakdown. Not as strong as the first one, but once more I found faith gone and hope rapidly dwindling. The difference this time was that the hope wasnt coming back.

June 2003: On June first, my fiancee left me, mailing back the engagement ring and essentially breaking it off through a text message. On June third, my father died of cancer and I had nobody to lean on, while being the leaning pole for about 2/3 of my family. On that day, apathy entered my life.

Ever since Ive been fighting a losing battle with depression, apathy and cynicism. I no longer believe in many of the things that bring people joy. Ive had relationships since then, but fear for what I could do to other people. Ive been called the voice of eternal darkness, able to suck all the joy out of a room in less than ten minutes. And while I've been trying my best to rebound, and winning small victories here and there, my life still runs rampant with cynical apathy and an all around sense of pessimism.

Im saying this because there is a person I care about. And I've been unable to take the next step with her because of these feelings. Any time I try to get over this lack of emotion, I find myself faced once more with cynicism and the like. It's gotten to the point where I no longer care about my life, or living in general. Much like the Goo Goo Dolls song broadway, Ive become the young main sitting in the old mans bar, waiting for his turn to die. And what's worse, I often dont talk about this because a) i cant afford therapy and b) nobody around me cares, theyre still fed up with the two nervous breakdowns.

I don't knopw if Im asking for advice, or simply trying to vent some of the pent up pressure that has been a part of me forever. But If anyone knows how I feel...well. I just don't know anymore.

[we are cured]

well i don't know how much i can help 'the voice of eternal darkness'.

this might sound really weird, but get the fuck out of new york city - even if it's just for a little while. go somewhere else and try to figure out what you think you're meant to do. the city isn't for people who are questioning their existence and 'waiting for their time to die'. it's for people that know where they are in life, and aren't distracted by the fact that 99% of the people around them do not give a shit about anyone else.

[Shatter590]

well i don't know how much i can help 'the voice of eternal darkness'.

this might sound really weird, but get the fuck out of new york city - even if it's just for a little while. go somewhere else and try to figure out what you think you're meant to do. the city isn't for people who are questioning their existence and 'waiting for their time to die'. it's for people that know where they are in life, and aren't distracted by the fact that 99% of the people around them do not give a shit about anyone else.

i came to that conclusion actually. ive taken trips, and normally feel good about it, but again, life gets in the way.

i cant afford to leave right now, and family duties keep me here. i was going to leave for grad school, but the cost of it kept me here. i want to take a huge road trip over the summer, but if I dont have the money it wont happen.

I know it sounds like excuses, but money is a pretty large issue.

[we are cured]

nah i know, i'm also in a slight financial hole that is 'holding me back' from whatever it is i want to do.

but it's painfully obvious that you're not enjoying yourself around here. the money statement is an excuse whether you believe it or not, because you can easily pick everything up and go somewhere else, trying to find out what it is you need to do. so you have family duties...is your family trying to make you happy or have they given up? save your sanity now and get the hell out of here, because then you'll realize that there are great things happening here. you're just in too much of a rut to realize that right now.

[Shatter590]

nah i know, i'm also in a slight financial hole that is 'holding me back' from whatever it is i want to do.

but it's painfully obvious that you're not enjoying yourself around here. the money statement is an excuse whether you believe it or not, because you can easily pick everything up and go somewhere else, trying to find out what it is you need to do. so you have family duties...is your family trying to make you happy or have they given up? save your sanity now and get the hell out of here, because then you'll realize that there are great things happening here. you're just in too much of a rut to realize that right now.

i wont lie, family is about half the reason why im like this. while my mother says she doesnt need ne to hold her hand, she often begrudges me chances to just live because without me, its pretty much shes all alone. add to that the fact that shes as bad off as i am emotionally, and that she belittles my pain with comparing it to "she lost her husband", it doesnt help. all it does really, is make me not want to get married or have kids, since I would never eant them to feel what Im feeling now.

im very close to doing it tho, just taking whatever money i have and leaving. i guess im just waiting for the catalyst. All I need is a car...

[we are cured]

i wont lie, family is about half the reason why im like this. while my mother says she doesnt need ne to hold her hand, she often begrudges me chances to just live because without me, its pretty much shes all alone. add to that the fact that shes as bad off as i am emotionally, and that she belittles my pain with comparing it to "she lost her husband", it doesnt help. all it does really, is make me not want to get married or have kids, since I would never eant them to feel what Im feeling now.

im very close to doing it tho, just taking whatever money i have and leaving. i guess im just waiting for the catalyst. All I need is a car...

lol well your cases of depression and pain can never be comparative because the chances of suffering similar situations are fairly remote.

my recommendation to you is to confide in this person that you care about, that you are thinking about stepping up to the plate and doing something for yourself. don't cut ties with your mother, just explain to her in a logical fashion what has to happen.

fresh starts helped two of my friends get out of depression and into brand new, healthy lives.

[Shatter590]

lol well your cases of depression and pain can never be comparative because the chances of suffering similar situations are fairly remote.

my recommendation to you is to confide in this person that you care about, that you are thinking about stepping up to the plate and doing something for yourself. don't cut ties with your mother, just explain to her in a logical fashion what has to happen.

fresh starts helped two of my friends get out of depression and into brand new, healthy lives.

what i need is hypnotherapy lol. just forget everything and start over again.

one day the catalyst will happen, and that will be the day everything changes. until then, i need a sounding board.

[we are cured]

well keep sounding. btw you do not need a car.

[flip]

therapy doesn't have to be expensive. if you think it would help to have a 'sounding board' as you put it, look around for different free therapy options.

community centers, colleges, etc. usually have some sort of option available.

[mizoka]

yea, travelling is a good idea.
but one day you gotta come back and maybe, with you're homecoming all those things that break your mind down might come back too.


i know that even though we wanna leave everything behind and don't wanna care about our family, they tie us up sometimes.

talking to people is good, sometimes when i talk to people about what concerns me, while i'm telling the whole issue i end up finding the solution myself.
therapy may be expensive, but look for psychology students that don't charge yet, they may help you.

[elvis2x]

Ever since Ive been fighting a losing battle with depression, apathy and cynicism. I no longer believe in many of the things that bring people joy. Ive had relationships since then, but fear for what I could do to other people. Ive been called the voice of eternal darkness, able to suck all the joy out of a room in less than ten minutes. And while I've been trying my best to rebound, and winning small victories here and there, my life still runs rampant with cynical apathy and an all around sense of pessimism.

Im saying this because there is a person I care about. And I've been unable to take the next step with her because of these feelings. Any time I try to get over this lack of emotion, I find myself faced once more with cynicism and the like. It's gotten to the point where I no longer care about my life, or living in general. Much like the Goo Goo Dolls song broadway, Ive become the young main sitting in the old mans bar, waiting for his turn to die. And what's worse, I often dont talk about this because a) i cant afford therapy and b) nobody around me cares, theyre still fed up with the two nervous breakdowns.



You are SO emo.

[alexamiller]

You are SO emo.
you make me wanna puke

[mizoka]

You are SO emo.

no, emos wanna feel depressed. he doesn't.

[sdbrown]

I don't know what to really say, I'm really sorry to hear you're going throguh all this. If you've been depressed for 6 years, it's going to be harder to ge undepressed. There's all those studies that says people all go through depressive stages, but I think I remember you said something about an anxiety disorder (bad word, I know) and it's really hard for someone who is actually depressed to get their hormone levels back up there to normal levels without meds, especially after such a long time. (I'm not trying to push meds- I absolutely hate meds and doctors). Is there any kind of student health plan that can make it affordable for you to get counseling and everything to get better?

If not, what about taking the road trip? You don't need a car- how about Amtrak? Time alone rocks, especially if you need time to just collect your thoughts, think about what you really want to focus on and everything. Just get away from your family- they sound like they need it as much as you do. It's a bit expensive but you can get across the country for $500 or less, depending on how many cities you want to stop in. Take a breather- go explore the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone and Yosemite. Something like seeing the stars for the first time in a while can have an amazing effect on your mood.

I shouldn't really be talking but if I think of anything I'll try and post ideas. (and sorry if some parts are incoherent. I was copying and pasting and erasing a bunch)

[Shatter590]

wow, never expected this kind of reaction. Most of the time Id get some wiseass remark or things to that effect.

I know all about those lovely day trips. Ive taken quite a few over the past year, expanding my roaming radius a bit. They always help.

I guess its just a matter of timing. And of commitments.

[Sleepaway]

Man, fuck a car, just get some cash and go. Doing that will make you feel the best you've felt in years. I think that if you get out there, hit up some small towns, meet some excellent people, then you'll start to feel good about yourself again.

[Kif]

wow, never expected this kind of reaction. Most of the time Id get some wiseass remark or things to that effect.

I know all about those lovely day trips. Ive taken quite a few over the past year, expanding my roaming radius a bit. They always help.

I guess its just a matter of timing. And of commitments.
It's because this forum is generally filled with people who think we want to help them when really we don't. Most of the threads in this forum are laughable, but you clearly put some effort into it and need the help rather than just demanding for answers.

I can't really speak for how New York is, since I don't live there. But if you feel that a trip would be good for you, I'd encourage you to go for it. I doesn't even have to be alone, take some friends and go somewhere.

What commitments do you have at the moment?

[Shatter590]

It's because this forum is generally filled with people who think we want to help them when really we don't. Most of the threads in this forum are laughable, but you clearly put some effort into it and need the help rather than just demanding for answers.

I can't really speak for how New York is, since I don't live there. But if you feel that a trip would be good for you, I'd encourage you to go for it. I doesn't even have to be alone, take some friends and go somewhere.

What commitments do you have at the moment?

well, i would say the main 3: School, family and work. My job needs me because im the last employee left, I just started my second semester of grad school, and my mother, well, i already spoke about her.

if i could find a way to sever those commitments, Im sure Id just up and go, but those ar epretty big commitments.

[JulieLynn]

We talked about this in the park, Cory.

The only way for you to let all of it go is to let Her into your life 100%. Letting her in will take it all away, trust me, I've been in your shoes more than once and letting people in is what helped me get over it.

Just let her in.

[myantiyou]

You are SO emo.

Shut the fuck up.

[myantiyou]

Back in 2001 i suffered a nervous breakdown after the end of spring semester. Faith and hope totally broken by a depressed professor i saw in three of my classes, I just gave up, and slept for the entire month of June. It took a long time to recover from that, but needless to say, depression entered my life for the first time.

October 2002: Second nervous breakdown. Not as strong as the first one, but once more I found faith gone and hope rapidly dwindling. The difference this time was that the hope wasnt coming back.

June 2003: On June first, my fiancee left me, mailing back the engagement ring and essentially breaking it off through a text message. On June third, my father died of cancer and I had nobody to lean on, while being the leaning pole for about 2/3 of my family. On that day, apathy entered my life.

Ever since Ive been fighting a losing battle with depression, apathy and cynicism. I no longer believe in many of the things that bring people joy. Ive had relationships since then, but fear for what I could do to other people. Ive been called the voice of eternal darkness, able to suck all the joy out of a room in less than ten minutes. And while I've been trying my best to rebound, and winning small victories here and there, my life still runs rampant with cynical apathy and an all around sense of pessimism.

Im saying this because there is a person I care about. And I've been unable to take the next step with her because of these feelings. Any time I try to get over this lack of emotion, I find myself faced once more with cynicism and the like. It's gotten to the point where I no longer care about my life, or living in general. Much like the Goo Goo Dolls song broadway, Ive become the young main sitting in the old mans bar, waiting for his turn to die. And what's worse, I often dont talk about this because a) i cant afford therapy and b) nobody around me cares, theyre still fed up with the two nervous breakdowns.

I don't knopw if Im asking for advice, or simply trying to vent some of the pent up pressure that has been a part of me forever. But If anyone knows how I feel...well. I just don't know anymore.

I'm really sorry to hear about your depression, I've gone through pretty much the same as well.

I don't know how much accepted advice a minor can give a 25 year old, but here it is. Try and meet new people. I understand that it is hard to find the thing that makes you happy, but try going to a club or bar, and just start conversation with people you don't know. Meet new girls, meet new friends, see how it works out if you haven't already. You're still young.

Otherwise, finish up grad school, talk to the employees of your company about your life, but I think you need to take a nice vacation out of the state to somewhere you can relax. Bring your friends.

I don't know what else I can say, but I hope you feel better.

[dejaxentendu]

you should become an author or some kind of tourtured artist

[updownleftright]

actually the author idea isn't half bad. i enjoy writing to pass the time. it could help get your mind off things? that and music, always music. like tonight, a decent day but i drove home with the windows down listening to jonah matranga. it helps me, i hope it can help you. feel better! :-)

[fromwithin]

We talked about this in the park, Cory.

The only way for you to let all of it go is to let Her into your life 100%. Letting her in will take it all away, trust me, I've been in your shoes more than once and letting people in is what helped me get over it.

Just let her in.

i doubt he is trusting of anyone in that way.

i've gone through nearly the same situation and i would be stupid to let anyone near me like that again.

[Shatter590]

actually the author idea isn't half bad. i enjoy writing to pass the time. it could help get your mind off things? that and music, always music. like tonight, a decent day but i drove home with the windows down listening to jonah matranga. it helps me, i hope it can help you. feel better! :-)

im actually halfway through a teen fantasy novel right now lol.

[JulieLynn]

i doubt he is trusting of anyone in that way.

i've gone through nearly the same situation and i would be stupid to let anyone near me like that again.

I personally know Cory. I've talked face to face with him, I can see he's got trust issues. I've been in his shoes...even if he just lets her in a little bit...it could help.

But in the end, that's totally up to him.