View Full Version : Diners and Dancehalls
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 03:28 PM
Written on the spot, which is funny, because every poem about this girl has been written in less than two minutes and about her in the snow...
Maybe it's a sign.
Diners and Dancehalls
The snow came down in sheets last night
And she ran to dance in it.
I know it's wrong,
I know it's wrong,
I know it's wrong,
But I fell in love with her again.
She's not hot but she's sure as hell beautiful.
Oh God I wish I was beautiful.
And tonight the dancefloor just can't say enough,
So she took it to the sidewalk.
With uncovered limbs and a shorter skirt,
She kept the beat.
She kept her beat.
She kept my beat.
Can you hear the beat?
a speedo model
02/03/07, 03:35 PM
I like this, simple but not overly simplistic. If that makes sense?
I really liked this part:
She's not hot but she's sure as hell beautiful.
Oh God I wish I was beautiful.
Nice job, James.
vandalsandquinn
02/03/07, 03:39 PM
hurrah
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 03:45 PM
Haha.
I love that anything I post gets read instantly. It's a lot like how I write.
Thank you both. Mostly Josiah though, because "Hurrah!" is not a sufficient response.
xsxarexsoxscene
02/03/07, 03:47 PM
hm i absolutely love the imagery and the idea that the snowy sidewalk became her dancefloor. my only criticism is that the word 'hot' sounds too colloquial.
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 03:51 PM
hm i absolutely love the imagery and the idea that the snowy sidewalk became her dancefloor. my only criticism is that the word 'hot' sounds too colloquial.
My only complaint about this post is that 'colloquial' came out of nowhere, almost as if you wanted to prove you were intelligent.
That being said though, I take you a little more seriously, but I would hardly call this a formal piece of poetry. You see, I'm inspired by girls. Who isn't? Now, if I'm talking about a girl, I can not think of a word to substitute for 'hot' because any other word does not get the meaning I want across.
The entire purpose for using that word is to get across that sense of her being so charming, so fascinating, that the word 'hot' is crap compared to her. She is beautiful, not hot.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Because I have a really hard time explaining this idea, though I've done it many times.
xsxarexsoxscene
02/03/07, 03:56 PM
My only complaint about this post is that 'colloquial' came out of nowhere, almost as if you wanted to prove you were intelligent.
That being said though, I take you a little more seriously, but I would hardly call this a formal piece of poetry. You see, I'm inspired by girls. Who isn't? Now, if I'm talking about a girl, I can not think of a word to substitute for 'hot' because any other word does not get the meaning I want across.
The entire purpose for using that word is to get across that sense of her being so charming, so fascinating, that the word 'hot' is crap compared to her. She is beautiful, not hot.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Because I have a really hard time explaining this idea, though I've done it many times.
I understand that what you trying to convey; she's even more beautiful to you because you care about her. And i used the word 'colloquial' because i couldn't find a better word, not because i was trying to prove i am intelligent.
I'm just suggesting that maybe you could find another word for hot; i don't want to offer suggestions because i'm a girl and i have a different perspective than you in many ways. I understand that it isn't formal, and it's yours. If you are happy with it, by all means keep it; i was just trying to offer some possible improvement for an already fantastic poem.
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 03:57 PM
I understand that what you trying to convey; she's even more beautiful to you because you care about her. And i used the word 'colloquial' because i couldn't find a better word, not because i was trying to prove i am intelligent.
I'm just suggesting that maybe you could find another word for hot; i don't want to offer suggestions because i'm a girl and i have a different perspective than you in many ways. I understand that it isn't formal, and it's yours. If you are happy with it, by all means keep it; i was just trying to offer some possible improvement for an already fantastic poem.
Oh, I was just kidding about trying to sound intelligent. Don't listen to me when I'm making fun of people.
Anyway, I'd love to hear what girls would replace for the word 'hot'. I honestly have nothing, but if you throw out a word I like, I'll use it.
black rose
02/03/07, 04:01 PM
James, this is very nice. Yes, "hot" isn't a very good word, but it does get the point across very well. But that line makes the whole poem feel very juvinile. That is my only complaint.
xsxarexsoxscene
02/03/07, 04:04 PM
Oh, I was just kidding about trying to sound intelligent. Don't listen to me when I'm making fun of people.
Anyway, I'd love to hear what girls would replace for the word 'hot'. I honestly have nothing, but if you throw out a word I like, I'll use it.
Hm i've tried to think of something, but everything i can think of involves possibly rephrasing, which I wouldn't do. Either that or it sounds too formal, which wouldn't fit with the rest of the poem.
I can't really think of anything other than 'gorgeous'. It's not worlds better, but i think its more euphonic than 'hot'. the word 'hot' sounds awkward and unpleasing. and for lack of a better way of explaining, and from a girl's point of view, the word 'hot' sounds... horny? haha sorry that i can't expand upon that more.
But like I said, it's your work and completely up to you.
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 04:26 PM
Hm i've tried to think of something, but everything i can think of involves possibly rephrasing, which I wouldn't do. Either that or it sounds too formal, which wouldn't fit with the rest of the poem.
I can't really think of anything other than 'gorgeous'. It's not worlds better, but i think its more euphonic than 'hot'. the word 'hot' sounds awkward and unpleasing. and for lack of a better way of explaining, and from a girl's point of view, the word 'hot' sounds... horny? haha sorry that i can't expand upon that more.
But like I said, it's your work and completely up to you.
Gorgeous is beautiful, to me.
And from a guy's point of view, 'hot' means she makes you horny. Pretty much...
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 04:27 PM
James, this is very nice. Yes, "hot" isn't a very good word, but it does get the point across very well. But that line makes the whole poem feel very juvinile. That is my only complaint.
I never said I was mature... people expect a whole lot more from me, I know, but I am a teenager, and we do fall for girls far too easily.
IAmAmazing
02/03/07, 04:29 PM
Oh God I wish I was beautiful.
You aren't Mr.Jones, son!
Just kidding, it's great.
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 04:43 PM
You aren't Mr.Jones, son!
Just kidding, it's great.
Ah, but I am Adam Duritz, who is pretty damn famous now, after writing that song... which I find a little funny. :shrug:
Thanks for reading buddy.
IAmAmazing
02/03/07, 04:56 PM
Ah, but I am Adam Duritz, who is pretty damn famous now, after writing that song... which I find a little funny. :shrug:
Thanks for reading buddy.
It's a great song, you only wish you were Adam.
Your welcome.
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 05:05 PM
It's a great song, you only wish you were Adam.
Your welcome.
It's true. I do wish I was.
If I could grow hair like him, I would.
matt_rawlings
02/03/07, 05:55 PM
I'm not sure about it simply because I can't really read into it much. Saying that, it is still good and these lines are very nice;
She's not hot but she's sure as hell beautiful.
Oh God I wish I was beautiful.
And tonight the dancefloor just can't say enough,
So she took it to the sidewalk.
IAmAmazing
02/03/07, 05:59 PM
It's true. I do wish I was.
If I could grow hair like him, I would.
You are now my favorite person on this site.
OveriseFan
02/03/07, 06:01 PM
I'm not sure about it simply because I can't really read into it much. Saying that, it is still good and these lines are very nice;
She's not hot but she's sure as hell beautiful.
Oh God I wish I was beautiful.
And tonight the dancefloor just can't say enough,
So she took it to the sidewalk.
Yeah, I mean this is incredibly simplistic...
I wasn't trying to write a masterpiece. But I'm trying to turn out crap pieces about last night and try to come up with something that works.
black rose
02/03/07, 09:10 PM
I never said I was mature... people expect a whole lot more from me, I know, but I am a teenager, and we do fall for girls far too easily.Oh, I know, just stating a fact. I really liked it, though. You are a great writer for your [our i guess] age. I wish I could write as well as you do.
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 07:07 AM
Me > James
'Tis true.
neverstore
02/04/07, 08:00 AM
Beautiful, I loved the ending.
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 09:53 AM
Beautiful, I loved the ending.
Thank ye kindly.
vandalsandquinn
02/04/07, 10:22 AM
Haha.
I love that anything I post gets read instantly. It's a lot like how I write.
Thank you both. Mostly Josiah though, because "Hurrah!" is not a sufficient response.
fine, this is amazing james i bow down to you
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 10:25 AM
fine, this is amazing james i bow down to you
What makes people love this so much? haha.
This is ok.
I know it's wrong,
I know it's wrong,
I know it's wrong,
But I fell in love with her again.
I really liked that, but the rest is bleh, in my opinion.
It's not bad though.
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 11:26 AM
This is ok.
I know it's wrong,
I know it's wrong,
I know it's wrong,
But I fell in love with her again.
I really liked that, but the rest is bleh, in my opinion.
It's not bad though.
I agree with you more than anyone else.
I see nothing that I did particularly creative in this.
I might steal some lines and ideas, but nothing more.
I agree with you more than anyone else.
I see nothing that I did particularly creative in this.
I might steal some lines and ideas, but nothing more.
It's one of your less original pieces.
There's some good lines here and there, definitely use some of them later on.
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 12:06 PM
It's one of your less original pieces.
There's some good lines here and there, definitely use some of them later on.
It's the kind of stuff I was writing between Febraury and April last year.
I don't like it.
My progression, as a writer has pretty much gone:
Crappy, teenage, anti-love prose ---> Pop songs that were heavily influenced by other artists ---> More original pop songs ---> Straight up poetry ---> Short, concise, imagery-filled poetry about a specific girl and a specific action ---> Perfection ---> Crap
Basically...
It's the kind of stuff I was writing between Febraury and April last year.
I don't like it.
My progression, as a writer has pretty much gone:
Crappy, teenage, anti-love prose ---> Pop songs that were heavily influenced by other artists ---> More original pop songs ---> Straight up poetry ---> Short, concise, imagery-filled poetry about a specific girl and a specific action ---> Perfection ---> Crap
Basically...
So you think you're writing crap now? The last two pieces I read by you were great. Especially Bayonets.
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 12:48 PM
So you think you're writing crap now? The last two pieces I read by you were great. Especially Bayonets.
The last two (Perfection and Crap, respectively.) were jokes.
No one can tell when I'm kidding. :-(
I don't even think of my writing as a chart like that. I write what I feel like writing.
Right now I'm not even writing much, but I have to for a poetry portfolio due in a month.
Bayonets is excellent, by the way. Thank you. It's called "I have kissed bayonets" now.
The last two (Perfection and Crap, respectively.) were jokes.
No one can tell when I'm kidding. :-(
I don't even think of my writing as a chart like that. I write what I feel like writing.
Right now I'm not even writing much, but I have to for a poetry portfolio due in a month.
Bayonets is excellent, by the way. Thank you. It's called "I have kissed bayonets" now.
hahahaha, no one can! Your humor is very dry.
That's how it should be.
Ah I see. 100?
No problem, it really is. I enjoy that title.
OveriseFan
02/04/07, 01:02 PM
hahahaha, no one can! Your humor is very dry.
That's how it should be.
Ah I see. 100?
No problem, it really is. I enjoy that title.
As in my grade point average for English?
Yes.
(Hahaha. I hope I get a 100 on my portfolio. That'd be dope. My sonnets are awful though.)
lostfear
02/04/07, 07:41 PM
nice james. I enjoyed the simplicity.
and I wish I was as respected as you so that I could this much feedback for my writing.
OveriseFan
02/05/07, 03:19 PM
nice james. I enjoyed the simplicity.
and I wish I was as respected as you so that I could this much feedback for my writing.
Haha, I'm sorry. I really try to get to everything posted, but there's been so much recently, I've been 'dying' from illness, and February is my busiest month in terms of work/a show coming up.
If I don't read something that you want me to after 2 days, PM me. I'll gladly read it and get back to you.
vBulletin v3.6.0, Copyright ©2000-2012, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.