I wonder , Do you?

[FlyxWay]

Sometimes I question my own sanity.
Sometimes I wonder if I will makeit another day ,
or will I just happen to fall off the face of the earth ,
never to be seen again.
Does it matter to you that everytime we talk I can't help but cry
Do you care that I may never trust again?
Because of you I will never marry , never risk the loss you suffered
I never want to experience the pain you feel every day.
I pull out of all relationships and grow distant when I finally get close.
I suppose I should tell you that I'll never be the same.
I will never look upon you and think your indestructable
for now I know you are only human ,
just like the rest.
Sometimes I question my humanity ,
letting the silver run over the flesh untill I see the red ,
just to see if I am like you ,
that I bleed like you do ,
That I feel like you do ,
but it always seems the feeling is a little less every time ,
I want a little more every time.
I suppose you will be the end of me ,
just because you had to lean on me ,
get support from one who has little enough to begin with.
I will miss the way it used to be , me you and mom.
but all good things cometo an end.
this too will vanish , as will my worth with a deteriorated soul.

[pearljamontoast]

Bottle green. Like a big arse fly.

[FlyxWay]

mmmmmkay.

[pearljamontoast]

Dammit, it was green. But then it was changed.

[xsxarexsoxscene]

aw i feel your pain. I was in the same situation.

my criticisms:
1) I will never look upon you and think your indestructable
for now I know you are only human ,

the 'your' should be 'you' or you have to change the structure to 'think that you're' - 'your' does not work because you obviously mean 'you are' which becomes 'you're', NOT 'your'.

2) The last line is SO cliche. just take it out. It was fine without it.

[OveriseFan]

Suxxorz.

(I'll seriously read this tomorrow.)

[HeyCoffeeEyes]

From now on, people should simply refuse to write about blood, bleeding, bloodiness, "the red" or any other similar figurative device. Seriously, we're all over it at this stage. I am really tired of this idea, that seems to have a substantial amount to do with the huge amount of respect people have for the lyrics of Saves the Day, the idea that the only way to express emotional violence is by writing about actual violence. No joke, if I never read another song or poem about car crashes, murders, gunfights, eviscerated guts, razors blades, hearts wrenched from chests, or the like, it will be too soon.

[JimGray]

Decent at best.

[a speedo model]

From now on, people should simply refuse to write about blood, bleeding, bloodiness, "the red" or any other similar figurative device. Seriously, we're all over it at this stage. I am really tired of this idea, that seems to have a substantial amount to do with the huge amount of respect people have for the lyrics of Saves the Day, the idea that the only way to express emotional violence is by writing about actual violence. No joke, if I never read another song or poem about car crashes, murders, gunfights, eviscerated guts, razors blades, hearts wrenched from chests, or the like, it will be too soon.
I disagree. When done right, it can be quite good.
Decent at best.
I agree with this post.

[strobelife]

I can relate to this but still. Try to keep the reader interested, throw in a metaphor or two. Use some decent imagery. But NOT about blood or bleeding no matter how good you think they are. Try to repeat things less. And the lines are really bland, reword them and make them interesting to read.

[HeyCoffeeEyes]

I disagree. When done right, it can be quite good.


To each his own. I guess I'm just not fourteen enough for that kind of thing anymore.

[a speedo model]

To each his own. I guess I'm just not fourteen enough for that kind of thing anymore.
:shrug: