Paper Street

[dakknox]

Paper Street

my first walk along paper street
i found nothing...... nothing but filth
though something inspired me to visit again
i never thought that i would

"here i am again, i am jack's thought
it turns out that nothing is everthing........ it turns out"

It turns out
filth is more than it seems
even more
more than thoughts in my dreams
much is left
left only are your broken screams
who could have thought
thought it could be like this
what is right
right is your face and my fist
what is left
left is your blood in a mist
what is down
down is what you deserve
what is never
never is when you'll return
what is up
up is your time here on earth
why can't you see
see that your dressed in gasoline.....
what could it be
could it be a lit match
there it goes
goes along
along with your last breath

[TheFallenScene]

First off you need to include some sort of chorus. And then keep the idea of "paper street" and erase everything else. This is because the "what is" and the "why is" is annoying. It might flow together with music but there are just way to many of the "what" and "why is". But, some of the parts with the "whats and whys" are okay. I think you can improve it if you have the skills. Good Luck.

[dakknox]

thanks for your consideration and ideas, but who's to say "i need a chorus" And what's bad about it sounding good to music, that's the whole intention. if it makes more sense the song is meant to be verbally intense. (shouted/screamed in various parts). I understand how you criticize the "who's" and "what's" but that is what i intended it to be like, thankyou

[Alex Djaferis]

Originally posted by TheFallenScene
First off you need to include some sort of chorus. And then keep the idea of "paper street" and erase everything else. This is because the "what is" and the "why is" is annoying. It might flow together with music but there are just way to many of the "what" and "why is". But, some of the parts with the "whats and whys" are okay. I think you can improve it if you have the skills. Good Luck.

you dont need a chorus.

[dakknox]

agreed, comments

[MapleLeaf]

the whole fight club ripoff thing doesnt work to well witht he rest fo the song