In a Resplendent Sepia (Fall Colors, Pt. I)

[CellarGhosts]

Notes: With this one, I decided to take a stab at more of a poem, than writing actual lyrics, although these will no doubt end up as a song. Just for a change, I eschewed my usual form of writing, which relies on a rhyme scheme, (although there are parts in here that rhyme) and generally contains darker/morbid undertones to instead focus on something a little more lighthearted, and mellow. I hope you enjoy it. By the way, there are several refrences scattered throughout here to various songs/bands/albums that have greatly influenced my songwriting, as well as my life overall. See if you can spot them all ;)
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"In a Resplendent Sepia (Fall Colors, Pt. I)"

It began when her beauty ascended from the ashes
Of a (rumored) case of "packing up and moving on"
Her beauty spilled through in a resplendent sepia tone
Pulling at my heartstrings like the most wishful of puppeteers, and
Like the worn out old marionette it is, it danced right along
I've relied countless times on those trusty chords, to pick me up,
Dust me off, and stand me back on my own two aching feet
More often than not, those scalding sounds of roaring distortion
Medicate me like the most tender of nurses, aiding a fallen soldier...
And then there she was, as radiant as the sheet of glistening white flakes
That blankets the ground outside, that caresses the weathered trees
Flooding my senses, from within that small token of simple splendor
Came a deluge of memories, flickering by like old photo negatives,
That come into sharper focus with each passing second,
Rekindling the flames; the sifting grains of ash that were my desire for her
On the most gentle of breezes, I felt her soft voice fill my ear
Nipping like frostbite at my flesh, it slowly sank in; a remarkable truth slowly appeared
My heart beats in time with this winter blitzkrieg, painting the air around me
With echoes of the soft fall colors she wore; her angel's face in a gilded frame
Each blurry memory drifting through the spaces between the past and the present,
Catching up to me, and begging to know if this tale would ever read the same
And it's still a long way from here to the infirmary...she's still tending to these scars
And I can't shake this, it's too far buried into my soul...it's too deeply interred
Like a ghost sitting by the fireside, I'm still reminded of the beauty that dwells in her

[JimGray]

Notes: With this one, I decided to take a stab at more of a poem, than writing actual lyrics, although these will no doubt end up as a song. Just for a change, I eschewed my usual form of writing, which relies on a rhyme scheme, (although there are parts in here that rhyme) and generally contains darker/morbid undertones to instead focus on something a little more lighthearted, and mellow. I hope you enjoy it. By the way, there are several refrences scattered throughout here to various songs/bands/albums that have greatly influenced my songwriting, as well as my life overall. See if you can spot them all ;)
=================================== ===================================

"In a Resplendent Sepia (Fall Colors, Pt. I)"

It began when her beauty ascended from the ashes
Of a (rumored) case of "packing up and moving on"
Her beauty spilled through in a resplendent sepia tone
Pulling at my heartstrings like the most wishful of puppeteers, and
Like the worn out old marionette it is, it danced right along
I've relied countless times on those trusty chords,(1) to pick me up,
Dust me off, and stand me back on my own two aching feet
More often than not, those scalding sounds of roaring distortion
Medicate(2) me like the most tender of nurses, aiding a fallen soldier...
And then there she was, as radiant as the sheet of glistening white flakes
That blankets the ground outside, that caresses the weathered trees
Flooding my senses, from within that small token of simple splendor
Came a deluge of memories, flickering by like old photo negatives,
That come into sharper focus with each passing second,
Reminding me of how she added the "good" to my "mourning"(3)
On the most gentle of breezes, I felt her soft voice fill my ear
Nipping like frostbite at my flesh, it slowly sank in; a remarkable truth slowly appeared
My heart beats in time with this winter blitzkrieg,(4) painting the air around me
With echoes of the soft fall colors she wore; her angel's face in a gilded frame
Each blurry memory shuffling through the spaces between the past and the present,
Catching up to me, and begging me if this story would ever be the same
I can't shake this, it's too far buried into my soul...it's too deeply interred
Like a ghost sitting by the fireside, I'm still reminded of the beauty that dwells in her

1-Hot Water Music
2-Boys Night Out
3-Duh
4-The Ramones?

Very impressive, though, "mourning" should be "morning" in this case.

[CellarGhosts]

1-Hot Water Music
2-Boys Night Out
3-Duh
4-The Ramones?

Very impressive, though, "mourning" should be "morning" in this case.

Thanks. You got almost all of them. One that you missed was actually a ver vauge one, near the beginning, the line "(rumored) case..." is a nod to Against Me!, as the inside booklet of their CD "Searching for a Former Clarity", has a variation of the title on the back page that says "Searching for a (Rumored) Former Clarity", so that's one, the other being the line "most wishful of puppeteers", refrencing the Lawrence Arms song "A Wishful Puppeteer". And yeah I guess I should change the "mourning" to "morning". I intentionally kept it "mouring", as the word has connatations of despair and sadness, and its both the Alk3 refrence, as well as saying how she was the "good" in my life that cancelled out the negative (as in, the "mourning") But oh well. I'll keep editing this one.
Thanks again!

[JimGray]

Thanks. You got almost all of them. One that you missed was actually a ver vauge one, near the beginning, the line "(rumored) case..." is a nod to Against Me!, as the inside booklet of their CD "Searching for a Former Clarity", has a variation of the title on the back page that says "Searching for a (Rumored) Former Clarity", so that's one, the other being the line "most wishful of puppeteers", refrencing the Lawrence Arms song "A Wishful Puppeteer". And yeah I guess I should change the "mourning" to "morning". I intentionally kept it "mouring", as the word has connatations of despair and sadness, and its both the Alk3 refrence, as well as saying how she was the "good" in my life that cancelled out the negative (as in, the "mourning") But oh well. I'll keep editing this one.
Thanks again!

I get it, it's very good, don't know how I missed TLA one...

[CellarGhosts]

I get it, it's very good, don't know how I missed TLA one...

Thanks! I take it you're a Larry Arms fan then too?

[JimGray]

Yup

[CellarGhosts]

Yup
Haha, cool. I figured so. Their album "the Greatest Story Ever Told" is definatley in my top 4 albums ever. Great band.
Thanks again for the feedback on this

[OveriseFan]

I don't listen to any of the bands you love, but I have a feeling you're not very original in your work. You're too influenced by them...

I feel like you tried to use a higher diction, but didn't continue it well enough throughout the piece, so that some words sound very awkward.

I remember when I used "respelendent" in a piece... :shake: You did it better than I did.

I also remember when I used a play on morning/mourning in my piece. I did that better than you did, for the record, but that pun has been overdone. So has that rhyme, probably.

[CellarGhosts]

I don't listen to any of the bands you love, but I have a feeling you're not very original in your work. You're too influenced by them...

I feel like you tried to use a higher diction, but didn't continue it well enough throughout the piece, so that some words sound very awkward.

I remember when I used "respelendent" in a piece... :shake: You did it better than I did.

I also remember when I used a play on morning/mourning in my piece. I did that better than you did, for the record, but that pun has been overdone. So has that rhyme, probably.
Alright thanks for the criticism. I'll work on it...but anyway...I'm a little confused. Did you think this was good or bad? (overall, that is)
I can see where you'd get the idea that I'm too heavily influenced by my fave bands, and I admit, quite often my work comes off sounding too close to theirs, but honestly, this particular song sounds hardly anything like what those bands would do. Maybe at parts, but overall, this is pretty different from those styles, or whatever.

And you said something about the diction not continuing well. Could you maybe point out the section of the peice where it starts to falter, so to speak, so I know exactly what to work on?
But thanks again. I appreciate the advice

[OveriseFan]

Alright thanks for the criticism. I'll work on it...but anyway...I'm a little confused. Did you think this was good or bad? (overall, that is)
I can see where you'd get the idea that I'm too heavily influenced by my fave bands, and I admit, quite often my work comes off sounding too close to theirs, but honestly, this particular song sounds hardly anything like what those bands would do. Maybe at parts, but overall, this is pretty different from those styles, or whatever.

And you said something about the diction not continuing well. Could you maybe point out the section of the peice where it starts to falter, so to speak, so I know exactly what to work on?
But thanks again. I appreciate the advice

Does it matter whether I think it's good or bad? Will that impact the advice I gave you at all? I purposefully didn't say what I thought of it as a whole.

I don't listen to those bands, so I wouldn't know if it sounds like theirs. But every piece I've read from you, someone, or even yourself, has pointed out a Lawrence Arms/Alkaline Trio reference or something that sounds like them. I don't listen to them, so I wouldn't know, but it sure seems like you're too influenced, and need to develop your own style.

I can't point out a particular section, but sometimes those higher-diction words stick out like a sore thumb.

[CellarGhosts]

Does it matter whether I think it's good or bad? Will that impact the advice I gave you at all? I purposefully didn't say what I thought of it as a whole.

I don't listen to those bands, so I wouldn't know if it sounds like theirs. But every piece I've read from you, someone, or even yourself, has pointed out a Lawrence Arms/Alkaline Trio reference or something that sounds like them. I don't listen to them, so I wouldn't know, but it sure seems like you're too influenced, and need to develop your own style.

I can't point out a particular section, but sometimes those higher-diction words stick out like a sore thumb.

Ok, I see your point. Well thanks for the input, and I will contine to try and develop my own style.

[thecurerocks182]

Does it matter whether I think it's good or bad? Will that impact the advice I gave you at all? I purposefully didn't say what I thought of it as a whole.

I don't listen to those bands, so I wouldn't know if it sounds like theirs. But every piece I've read from you, someone, or even yourself, has pointed out a Lawrence Arms/Alkaline Trio reference or something that sounds like them. I don't listen to them, so I wouldn't know, but it sure seems like you're too influenced, and need to develop your own style.

I can't point out a particular section, but sometimes those higher-diction words stick out like a sore thumb.
In regards to diction, I believe that it is not necessarily how we are able to incorporate high vocabulary, but our ability to manipulate the smaller ones to describe an idea. One must show some restraint with vocabulary or it may come off as pretentious and contrived. For example, Ray Bradbury's best metaphors comprise of the simpliest words to paint a larger picture.

On a side note, there seems to be a plethoric amount of comma's, but if my eyes are functioning properly (which I believe them to be) then I must conclude that you are yet to discover a period. Usually, punctuation is exempt in lyrics, but since this is not lyrics, please do consider it when writing poetry/prose.

PS - read my lyrics, please (yes, I understand this is a shameful promotion).

[ArTkY_]

hahaha, James, what the fuck. If you don't listen to any of the bands he's influenced by... how can you say something is unoriginal.

I think this was a very solid piece. Maybe a few rough edges need to be sorted out, but overall... great job. And I love that you tried to pay homage through this piece to some of your favorite bands. I do that pretty often myself.

[CellarGhosts]

hahaha, James, what the fuck. If you don't listen to any of the bands he's influenced by... how can you say something is unoriginal.

I think this was a very solid piece. Maybe a few rough edges need to be sorted out, but overall... great job. And I love that you tried to pay homage through this piece to some of your favorite bands. I do that pretty often myself.
Thank you very much, Tariq. I sort of agree with your statement, regarding James. But I still take any advice given into consideration. Most of the time, anyway...

I'm still thinking this one over, so later on, the rough edges will definatley be smoothed out. At least I hope they will haha. And yes, I agree that although it may seem a bit "unoriginal", paying homage is a pretty cool concept when writing lyrics/poetry
Thanks again, man.

In regards to diction, I believe that it is not necessarily how we are able to incorporate high vocabulary, but our ability to manipulate the smaller ones to describe an idea. One must show some restraint with vocabulary or it may come off as pretentious and contrived. For example, Ray Bradbury's best metaphors comprise of the simpliest words to paint a larger picture.

On a side note, there seems to be a plethoric amount of comma's, but if my eyes are functioning properly (which I believe them to be) then I must conclude that you are yet to discover a period. Usually, punctuation is exempt in lyrics, but since this is not lyrics, please do consider it when writing poetry/prose.

PS - read my lyrics, please (yes, I understand this is a shameful promotion).

Thank you also. (sorry I don't know your real name yet haha) But anyway, I do apologize about the punctuation hahaha. I do have a problem with no adding periods. Odd, I know...but oh well. I'll work on it. You also have an interesting point about vocabulary. I really enjoy Ray Bradbury's writing, and you made a good point there. I'll keep that in mind when writing.
Thanks again.