My new song....

[BuriedAlive]

its called "beauty" and its not a love song. and i wrote it in about 10-15 minutes so tell me where i can improve or if you just like it(and wewin and wadejunkie heres where your allowed to say whatever you want cuz i know you would anyway)

(this is the rough draft)

"beauty"
take the blood from my veins
and paint me a masterpiece
show me how beautiful it can be
all the effort went to waste
cold, as the blood runs thick
the warmth brings me alive
i remember what its like to know myself
i see the reflection painted in the picture
and realize i dont need you to realize beauty
the light shines bright, as the sun becomes my lantern
and i can once see again, realizing you left me here
i cant find my way back, the path is unclear
i had to destroy what i created
so i could reassemble what i truly wanted
i knew it was wrong from the start
but thats what i wanted
my hands drenched in blood
i have been brought back to life
knowing my reason to live
the silhouette of this drawing
describes beauty at every focal point
the effort unmanageable
the blood loss uncountable
the beauty unmeasurable
i stab the painting to feel its blood
another wound opens on me
the painting is apart of me, this painting is me
after every infliction i make, it acts out on me
the blood loss makes it hard to stand
my death will only help me settle what i have lost
realize it was my time to go
the painting will always live on

[TheFallenScene]

Like I was telling you in AIM it's good. I like the theme using a painting to describe and so on. Good Work.

[xxSpOoKsxx]

your a good writer, you have a lot of potential. do write these lyrics for your band or just to say what u feel

[BuriedAlive]

xxSpOoKsxx, both i do it to say what i feel and for my band. we havent done much yet we just play jam out. we havent really looked to play at venues and stuff cuz most of the places you have to be 18 and everyone in my band is around the age of 14.

[proeuthanasia]

thank god, you're finally posting again. i still stand by my statement that you and wadejunkie are two of the best writers here. great job chris. your perspective and ideals as a lyricist are expanding and improving rapidly. a little constructive criticism: the song drags on a bit at the end...but that's nothing a little revision can't fix.

you've got so much potential dude. seriously...i fucking claim you as my official soon-to-be-musical-genius little brother..... or something...

[proeuthanasia]

needless to say, i love you man! haha

[BuriedAlive]

haha, thanks but at the end should i just drop...

"after every infliction i make, it acts out on me
the blood loss makes it hard to stand
my death will only help me settle what i have lost
realize it was my time to go
the painting will always live on"

and end the song with "the painting is apart of me, this painting is me"

it to me seems to be a good ending.

[proeuthanasia]

yes. without a doubt.

[BuriedAlive]

i did some editing tell me if its better or worse

"beauty"
take the blood from my veins
and paint me a masterpiece
show me how beautiful it can be
all the effort went to waste
cold, as the blood runs thick
the warmth brings me alive
i remember what its like to know myself
i see the reflection painted in the picture
and realize i dont need you to realize beauty
the light shines bright, as the sun becomes my lantern
and i can once see again, realizing you left me here
i cant find my way back, the path is unclear
i had to destroy what i created
so i could reassemble what i truly wanted
i knew it was wrong from the start
but thats what i wanted
my hands drenched in blood
i have been brought back to life
knowing my reason to live
the silhouette of this drawing
describes beauty at every focal point
i stab the painting to feel its blood
another wound opens on me
the painting is apart of me, this painting is me

[proeuthanasia]

yeah, i like that better. something about the ending still sounds off though. it's the way it's worded or something. try this:

i stab at the painting and feel its blood run
as another wound opens upon me
a part of something no longer lost,
the art defines me...this painting is me


or something..i dunno.. off the top of my head

[BuriedAlive]

i will think of something... any other suggestions?

[BuriedAlive]

bump

[blaarg]

no suggestions, it's amazing

[BuriedAlive]

thanks blaarg. i will check some of your stuff out. any one else? feel free to comment im open for anything you got to give.

[BuriedAlive]

bump. im looking for some suggestions

[**michelleV**]

BuriedAlive you own the lyrics forum! I wish i could write a song. When ever you post a new song AIM me staticlull mind if i share your lyrics w/some friends?

[BuriedAlive]

nah i dont mind. share away.

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
nah i dont mind. share away. :)

[BuriedAlive]

any other suggestions?

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
any other suggestions? you should put one of your song as your sig i recommend "drifting at sea" love that song!

[BuriedAlive]

i got alot of bad reviews on that songs. its kinda weird someone liked it.

[**michelleV**]

so does writting songs come easy to you? cause sometimes you're like " i just wrote this like in 10 min...."

Yeah "Drifting at Sea" is great!

[BuriedAlive]

writing doesnt really come easy. but as soon as i get the first 2 lines the rest just comes to me in a matter of minutes.

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
writing doesnt really come easy. but as soon as i get the first 2 lines the rest just comes to me in a matter of minutes. I've tried writting songs before everything just seems so cliche. I can't think of anything new. it seems like its all been done before.

[BuriedAlive]

well most of what i have written people consider it "cliche" but i try to get it a different element or to write it better than most of those "cliche" songs.

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
well most of what i have written people consider it "cliche" but i try to get it a different element or to write it better than most of those "cliche" songs. ...and you do a good job!

[BuriedAlive]

thanks.

[**michelleV**]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
thanks. no problem.

[BuriedAlive]

any suggestion?

[BuriedAlive]

bump

[BuriedAlive]

this is another one of my older songs.

[xxMichaelxx]

buried alive, you are a very talented writer dude, too bad about not getting to play that shit, i know girls and guys alike would get wet hearing that. oh also, am i the only one that thought of "The Portrait of Dorian Gray" when I read that?

[BuriedAlive]

"The Portrait of Dorian Gray" ??? what is that? i have never heard of it.

and thanks man.

[takingthursday]

All I have to say is that I friggin' love those lyrics man. Good work!

[BuriedAlive]

well thank you im glad some people take it for what the song is about not for if i wrote about it before or not.

[xxMichaelxx]

Dorian Gray is a book about a person who gets a painting of him made, and he wishes to keep his adolescence forever, so he stays beautiful, and his portrait gets grotesque.

[BuriedAlive]

oh, i guess you do learn something everyday.

[BuriedAlive]

any one else got anything to say about this writing?

[popdisaster530]

awesome writing, man..im just starting to realize the depth of your songs, keep it up, ur a real inspiration.

[BuriedAlive]

wow... thanks, im an inspiration.. thanks man.. im glad i could help you. wow.. maybe its just me but i am flattered you would even think that.

[BuriedAlive]

bump

[BuriedAlive]

yep...hows this one.

[failedbullets]

I don't mean to be rude at all, but I was wondering your need to keep bumping these songs.


This one is great, and yeah, Dorian Gray came to my mind as well Michael.

The only thing I can offer is that I envy your style. So keep it up.

[BuriedAlive]

I don't mean to be rude at all, but I was wondering your need to keep bumping these songs.


This one is great, and yeah, Dorian Gray came to my mind as well Michael.

The only thing I can offer is that I envy your style. So keep it up.
I bump them up so you can read em! because you say how you want to read more of mine, so i was like well he can read my older stuff!

its sort of amazing that i've gotten multiple compliments on my writing style, i dont get whats so special about it. but if you guys like it so much, i will continue to produce it. and thanks again, Kris.

[pUnkKid174]

that was awesome man...yet another one that wont let me down eh

all i can say is that whatever that drives you to write as good as you do keep on doing it because i now think that your lyrics are probably most of the reason why i go to the Lyrics page now

[BuriedAlive]

that was awesome man...yet another one that wont let me down eh

all i can say is that whatever that drives you to write as good as you do keep on doing it because i now think that your lyrics are probably most of the reason why i go to the Lyrics page now
wow, thanks! I'm flattered.