Opposable Thumbs

[lew_1987]

I hadn't posted anything for a few weeks, so I thought i would post this. It's still a bit sketchy. I wrote it a while ago, but I'm looking to improve it, so fire away! thanks for reading.

I wish I could wash the time off my hands...
Stocks are down – what have I done?
Time to throw away these old books -
It’s not who I am, it’s what I was.

Most days don’t hold favour,
But let this one ring true for us, if not just me.
They’ve got me all wrong,
Images stick too easily.
They’ve got us all wrong, haven’t they?

Don’t be a Madonna, be my Donna.
Don’t stray too far (from what we said),
Just wake me up when it’s done.
HUBBUB! HUBBUB!
I’ll never put the fear in you again.

Our lives are small enough to swallow us both.
Please don’t (I won’t) let them use their instincts;
They never work.
They never…

Let this liquid soak in,
Just in time for romance;
Chase me out.
Monsters lay in waiting,
Let me save you.

[lew_1987]

sorry i'm bumping this... please comment!

[mercutio7]

gotta change the title though, its already a Bus Driver song:)

[lew_1987]

gotta change the title though, its already a Bus Driver song:)

aww no!!! i really like this title too... any opinions on the lyrics themselves?

[mercutio7]

aww no!!! i really like this title too... any opinions on the lyrics themselves?

well, I like the general idea of it. but as for critiques...

Use more imagery. Like, instead of saying : They’ve got me all wrong,
Images stick too easily.

Tell how they've gotten you wrong, who they is, and what the images are.

I really, really like the first stanza , but I think it kind of goes downhill from there. Sometimes when I find myself in this predicament, I keep my first stanza and write a completely new song. All in all though, more imagery.

[lew_1987]

well, I like the general idea of it. but as for critiques...

Use more imagery. Like, instead of saying : They’ve got me all wrong,
Images stick too easily.

Tell how they've gotten you wrong, who they is, and what the images are.

I really, really like the first stanza , but I think it kind of goes downhill from there. Sometimes when I find myself in this predicament, I keep my first stanza and write a completely new song. All in all though, more imagery.

ok. thanks for the advice. i appreciate it. a lot of the time i avoid using imagery, because this is where i believe cliches come into lyrics. also i like to have an element of ambiguity to my lyrics, to let the reader make up their own imagery. i believe this absorbs the reader better, and allows them to put their own spin on it and maybe even sometimes relate it to their own life. i know what you mean though.

i really like the first stanza too, and the last one. the rest is where it needs work, although a couple of lines i really like in the middle. i often write one stanza and then let the rest of the piece evolve naturally from that. if it doesnt fit, then i usually get rid of it or use it for something else. thanks again for the critique

[mercutio7]

ok. thanks for the advice. i appreciate it. a lot of the time i avoid using imagery, because this is where i believe cliches come into lyrics. also i like to have an element of ambiguity to my lyrics, to let the reader make up their own imagery. i believe this absorbs the reader better, and allows them to put their own spin on it and maybe even sometimes relate it to their own life. i know what you mean though.

i really like the first stanza too, and the last one. the rest is where it needs work, although a couple of lines i really like in the middle. i often write one stanza and then let the rest of the piece evolve naturally from that. if it doesnt fit, then i usually get rid of it or use it for something else. thanks again for the critique
no problem. happy to help:)

[CellarGhosts]

I like this. I agree with mercutio7, though. Overall, I could see this being a really cool song. I think it'd work nicely ;)

[thecurerocks182]

well, I like the general idea of it. but as for critiques...

Use more imagery. Like, instead of saying : They’ve got me all wrong,
Images stick too easily.

Tell how they've gotten you wrong, who they is, and what the images are.

I really, really like the first stanza , but I think it kind of goes downhill from there. Sometimes when I find myself in this predicament, I keep my first stanza and write a completely new song. All in all though, more imagery.
I concur with mercutico as the abstraction detracts from what you are trying to convey. You claim that you want readers to draw their own interpretations, however, too much of it requires a lot from the reader, which is to say that you are expecting too much from them.

Anyways, I too thought that the first stanza was the strongest, but the rest had lost its momentum.

PS- If you are interested I have posted my song (I don't know if you remember it or not) on myspace. I started another thread for it below so if you do check out be sure to comment. take care.

[lew_1987]

I concur with mercutico as the abstraction detracts from what you are trying to convey. You claim that you want readers to draw their own interpretations, however, too much of it requires a lot from the reader, which is to say that you are expecting too much from them.

Anyways, I too thought that the first stanza was the strongest, but the rest had lost its momentum.

PS- If you are interested I have posted my song (I don't know if you remember it or not) on myspace. I started another thread for it below so if you do check out be sure to comment. take care.

thanks for the advice, guess i'll be re working some of this then... lol. i checked it out earlier but myspace wasnt working for me so i didnt wanna comment without hearing the song again. i'll check it out now and see if myspace works today. shoddy connection!