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CellarGhosts
03/07/07, 02:19 PM
Notes: Okay, so I already posted my "song about a girl" piece (Midwest Eyes) but what the hell. Here's another one. I had this incredibly vivid dream last night about her and I...and it was one of those deals where you wake up and are like "shit, that was only a dream? blargh." haha yeah I dunno. Anyway, it insired me to write this. It may seem really personal, but what the hey. Here goes, and hopefully you enjoy it :) PS - For those of you who are from Indy, the setting for this piece is the back exit to Club Logos. (Anyone ever been? haha I'd be glad to hear about it. My old band and I played there 3 or 4 times. it was fun haha)
=================================== ================================

In the Gilded Frame

Behind the old brick building, down the cold concrete steps
Past the graffiti-streaked walls, decorated with the names of so many groups
We stood, leaning against the cracked brick wall
Beneath the golden, humming glow of the streetlights and lone lamps
We were holding each other close

In the morose winter night we were mapping out
What it is we were trying to say
To the rhythm of our breaths
We were just within earshot of curious ears

Still, not one of them could latch onto our whispers
Rolling back and forth from one ear to another
Waves sliding from my lips to yours, as we drew a minute into eternity
Until the lines we all blurred into the soil
And the hoard of jesters and the gang of lepers
Dwindled into the back of the room for refreshment
While onstage some nameless troubadour was cursing a former love through screams
It didn’t reach us like it did everyone else

With each blink the picture came into focus
It shone through the spectrum of nights and days gone by
Collected in one monument in the center of the swirling wind
Right there in my arms wearing the sweetest scent I’d ever sensed
With your head on my shoulder, and your eyes draped behind artful lashes
I felt a sudden urgency pulsate throughout me, with origin in my heart
And arrival in my mind…it spread like the spilling of light upon the surface of the snow
Filling me with the echoes of hours idly passed, foolishly taken for granted

Below the canvas of night, and above the jagged terrain of blacktop
We rested in one another’s embrace, listening to the rise and fall
Of breath and heartbeat, shutting out the negative leer of the surrounding world
For the briefest of moments, all seemed to cease to exist:
No bullets raining down upon sons of our own soil, no plague of death upon a foreign nation
No innocent blood spilled by criminal hands
Only you and I, breaking groud on new landscapes and horizons
Creating one beautiful moment beneath a curtain dotted with embers

Well I turn my eyes towards yours, and in that one instant,
Cascading from the banks of my subconscious, comes an overwhelming knowing
That everything looks so beautiful from here
Smiling, you raise yourself up on toe, and lock your lips with mine, igniting a simple sensation

Simple, yet lovely, like a gallery of the most carefully-guarded paintings
Everything instantly meets perfection, as we draw closer still, my hands swimming in your hair
With nowhere left to go and nothing left to do but spill my stupid, lonesome guts
We retire to the backseat of my grandmothers’ Olds, leaning on the windowpane;
We just hold each other close

I wouldn’t’ have had this any other way
I hear a ringing in my head, yet shut it out,
Cause right now, it’s only you and I carving out a notch in the universe
Closing my eyes, I drift…

=================================== ================================

as_we_learn
03/07/07, 02:26 PM
wow man good job. the flow was good as well as the imagery.
In this one line i think "I" maybe it was suppose to I'm

Quote:"Cause right now, it’s only you and I carving out a notch in the universe"

other than that i have no complaints.

RomeoAGoGo
03/07/07, 02:26 PM
You used way too many unneccesary modifiers here.

I'm gonna bold everything that needs to be cut.




Soft and Golden Glow

Behind the old brick building, down the cold concrete steps
Past the graffiti-streaked walls, decorated with the names of so many groups
We stood, leaning against the cracked brick wall
Beneath the golden, humming glow of the streetlights and lone lamps
We were holding each other close

In the still winter night we were mapping out what it is we were trying to say

To the soothing, subtle rhythm of our breaths
We were just within earshot of a hundred or more curious ears

Still, not one of them could latch onto our smoky whispers
Rolling back and forth from one ear to another
Waves sliding from my lips to yours, as we drew a minute into eternity
Until the lines we all blurred into nothingness nothingness? c'mon man.
And the hoard of jesters and the gang of broken, limping lepers
Dwindled into the back of the room for refreshment
While onstage some nameless troubadour was cursing a former love through screams
It didn’t reach us like it did everyone else

With each disbelieving blink the picture came into sharper focus
It shone through the spectrum of nights and days gone by
Collected in one beautiful monument in the center of the swirling wind
Right there in my arms wearing the sweetest scent I’d ever sensed
With your head on my shoulder, and your Van Gogh eyes draped behind lovely lashes
I felt a sudden urgency pulsate throughout me, with origin in my heart
And arrival in my mind…it spread like the spilling of light upon the surface of the snow
Filling me with the echoes of hours idly passed, foolishly taken for granted

Below the sprawling canvas of night, and above the jagged terrain of blacktop
We rested in one another’s embrace, listening to the rise and fall
Of breath and heartbeat, shutting out the negative leer of the surrounding world
For the briefest of moments, all seemed to cease to exist:
No bullets raining down upon sons of our own soil, no plague of death upon a foreign nation
No innocent blood spilled by criminal hands, no innocence robbed by forceful predators
Only you and I, tearing through the pinholes in the façade of reality <--you can do better than this
Creating one beautiful moment beneath a deep purple curtain dotted with faint glowing embers

Well I turn my tired, world-weary eyes towards yours, and in that one instant,
Cascading from the banks of my subconscious, comes an overwhelming knowing
That everything looks so beautiful from here
Smiling, you raise yourself up on toe, and lock your lips with mine, igniting a simple sensation

Simple, yet lovely, like a gallery of the most carefully-guarded paintings
Everything instantly meets perfection, as we draw closer still, my hands swimming in your hair
With nowhere left to go and nothing left to do but spill my stupid, lonesome guts
We retire to the backseat of my grandmothers’ Olds, leaning on the windowpane;
We just hold each other close

I wouldn’t’ have had this any other way
I hear a ringing in my head, yet shut it out,
Cause right now, it’s only you and I carving out a notch in the universe
Closing my eyes, I drift…


=================================== ================================


There you go. The whole thing is one giant cliche.

CellarGhosts
03/07/07, 02:30 PM
wow man good job. the flow was good as well as the imagery.
In this one line i think "I" maybe it was suppose to I'm

Quote:"Cause right now, it’s only you and I carving out a notch in the universe"

other than that i have no complaints.
Thanks man. In fact, it is supposed to be "I". But thanks again

You used way too many unneccesary modifiers here.

I'm gonna bold everything that needs to be cut.




There you go. The whole thing is one giant cliche.
Okay, thanks for the input. I'll work on it, and trim it down.