my newest song....

[BuriedAlive]

"The Sacrifice That Ruined A Lifetime"
When ever you read this
be aware that i have changed
the guilt has filled my veins
it wasnt my fault, didnt let you fall
dreaming unconscious thoughts
looking for your eyes
but hollow glow misleads me
remembering when the sun burnt out
it halting as the imperfection disowned upon us
the elegance made us pause to stare at its beauty
it was the sacrifice of the crucifiction
now as we lay cold, blood stiff
was the sacrifce worth it?
freezing on the inside
cutting myself to see if i bleed
only red ice shows, how could this be?
we all settle around the fire
theres no point, we all lie lifeless
we cant move, too cold
unable to produce heat
slowly one by one, we die
as we feed on the only thing left
we know this world is over
unliveable, please just leave

[TheFallenScene]

The way you used "heat" and "cold" to describe what you are feeling is 100% excellence. Keep it up!

[BuriedAlive]

thanks man.

any other suggestions or comments?

[bleedperfection]

"remembering when the sun burnt out
it halting as the imperfection disowned upon us
the elegance made us pause to stare at its beauty "

Love that part! Dude keep it up

[Alex Djaferis]

i like your songs alot.

[BuriedAlive]

thanks guys. its nice to know im not going downhill with my lyrics.

[proeuthanasia]

ah, the talent man. kills me everytime. i love it. like thefallenscene said, the way you use heat and cold to describe what you're feeling rocks. keep it up. when you start up a band and get your first booking, let me know. i'm gonna be there, front row, screaming all the lyrics right back at you. love it. don't let that get to your head though...change like that wouldn't be any good. whatever you're doing, just keep it coming. your talent's gonna get you everywhere you want to go someday.

[BuriedAlive]

well thanks jess. i dont think you would wanna come to florida just to see my band play anyway. but hey if we ever get big enough we will make a special stop at your town!

[Korvans]

sounds like a bad Finch song.....lame

[BuriedAlive]

thanks. but i dont listen to finch. also korvans no point in going around and telling people their music sucks or where it needs work unless you got something of your own. so you wrote anything?

[TheDreamIsOver]

You're a great lyric writer man. I haven't seen one piece by you I didn't like. Great job.

[BuriedAlive]

thanks man. its great to know that all the feeling i put into my lyrics relfect on the reader (and hopefully listener). hopefully i can give you some more to read soon.

[proeuthanasia]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
well thanks jess. i dont think you would wanna come to florida just to see my band play anyway. but hey if we ever get big enough we will make a special stop at your town!


haha sounds like a plan.

[BuriedAlive]

ya now only if i could get the rest of my band together.

[The Nephilm]

stop using violence/death metaphores to describe feelings. you sound like every other bad lyric band out there (aka brand new, finch, TBS etc.)

and as far as I can tell, and maybe I am reading it wrong, it has no rhythm whatsoever.

stop thinking you are the fucking lyric god. i know all of these little peons think anything that happens to have big words and invokes a little bit of emotion in them is the greatest song they have ever read, but you really don't offer anything unique at all.

[proeuthanasia]

oh god. normally i like you neph. i appreciate the occasional smartass comment. when it is directed toward someone else. and i cannot resist the current urge to tell you to fuck off. cut the kid a break. it's called praise. trying to instill a little faith for his own talent in him. the song is good. don't diminish it. most truly moving, inspiring, and great lyrics don't have any rhythm when simply read. it's when the singer screams them out that the emotion, flow, and 'rhythm' surfaces. if you don't like it, fine. give the kid some constructive criticism. (note the word CONSTRUCTIVE in that last sentence). but don't ever try to insult me by calling me a 'peon'. some of the kids on these boards lack intelligence. i am not one of them. don't give me cause to hate you, neph.

[BuriedAlive]

have i ever said i was a lyric god? i mean if you had something that was better than what i wrote then ya maybe i would side with you but you dont. and also about the bands you say my lyrics are like well they happened to become very popular. im not writing to be popular but if thats where it takes me cool. my dream is to be signed thats all. i dont even care if i sell one record (it would probably be the one i bought). also a little bit of emotion, do you know me? would you know if theres alot of emotion or not? i dont think so. dont judge a book (or a song in this case) by its cover.

[BuriedAlive]

sorry, i cant please everyone.

[The Nephilm]

I was a dick because this kid was blasting on everyone else when for what I can tell, all of his songs have these fucking lame violence/blood references in them... it get rather DULL.

and as for the rhyme structure, there isn't one the way it was written. maybe throw some pauses or breaks in there by using things called "commas" and I might be able to make sense of your dribble.

[BuriedAlive]

i do put commons in moron. can you not see that? and just cause you cant find the rhyme structure doesnt mean i cant. i have one. sorry you couldnt find.

[The Nephilm]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
i do put commons in moron. can you not see that? and just cause you cant find the rhyme structure doesnt mean i cant. i have one. sorry you couldnt find.

care to share it with us? the way you wrote that, singing line for line, it flows about as well as a woman who has gone the menapause

[BuriedAlive]

im not even gonna continue to waste my time arguing with you. think what you want. cause i truly dont care.

[The Nephilm]

the truth can hurt somtimes

wanna cry all over a page about it and share it with us?

[wewin]

"The Sacrifice That Ruined A Lifetime" title: melodramatic. when trying to convey overwhelming despair or sadness (this title, for example), you run the risk of sounding melodramatic and kind of stupid. I mean, I can't think of ANYTHING that would be so bad as to ruin an ENTIRE LIFETIME. It doesn't sound sad to me, it sounds like an exaggeration.

When ever you read this
be aware that i have changed
the guilt has filled my veins
it wasnt my fault, didnt let you fall
if it wasn't your fault...then why are you feeling guilty?
dreaming unconscious thoughts
looking for your eyes
but hollow glow misleads me
remembering when the sun burnt out
end of the world kind of theme? can't you think of a better way to express...whatever you're trying to express? After reading Neph's criticism, i'm inclined to partially agree. Can't we think of a better way to convey emotions than through violence and death? Anyway, the four lines (begin with "dreaming", end with "out") here don't seem to express any sort of clear thought. Your song, thus far, doesn't build up, it drags on. Each line doesn't build on previous lines, it just makes the song longer.
it halting as the imperfection disowned upon us what does this mean? what is "it"? "disowned upon us?" you can be disowned, but not disowned UPON. You should rephrase this, because this is an example of a grammatical error that really screws up a song.
the elegance made us pause to stare at its beauty
it was the sacrifice of the crucifiction crucifixion is the correct spelling. did you intend it as a play on words? {like cruciFICTION, like fake? If you spelled right consistently it would help others to pick up on when you're being clever or making a play on words...if you don't know how to spell something, look it up.
now as we lay cold, blood stiff you use the word "blood" a lot. I mean, A LOT. You've kind of created your own set of cliches, as you seem to borrow a lot of material from your other songs. Also, blood is not stiff. This isn't a descriptive passage that conjures up a mental image. I have a hard time imagining people being "stiff as blood", you know?
was the sacrifce worth it?
freezing on the inside
cutting myself to see if i bleed
only red ice shows, how could this be?
we all settle around the fire
theres no point, we all lie lifeless
we cant move, too cold
unable to produce heat
slowly one by one, we die
as we feed on the only thing left
we know this world is over
unliveable, please just leave

I'm left confused at the end of this song. It started out being about a guilt complex, and at the end every single person dies. The title is hard to relate to the song, as it doesn't seem that any sort of "sacrifice" took place: everyone just like, freezes, and croaks. I think that this song has potential, especially the "freezing around a fire" idea at the end. That could be the basis for a whole song. You don't need to use the end of the world or guilt complexes or ANYTHING. Just write about the idea of freezing around a fire. Don't mention why this is happening; that distracts from the central theme. it could be cool.

Although, this all changes if you were using "crucifiction" as if the crucifixion were a fiction. If that is true, that means theat the sacrifice was really no sacrifice at all. This would explain why there is no clear expression of sacrifice in the song.

i think that you have also reached a point where you are trying to force songs out. this song, and several others that you've written of late, borrows a lot of material from your other songs. aside from the fact that your chosen subject matter is already overused, you are now even overusing your OWN songs' language. all your songs have the same air of despair to them. i don't feel like reading the same thing ten times, you know? try writing about something else, or just try writing about something that you haven't written about before.

and now, the matter of proeuthanasia:

you say to neph, "give the kid some constructive criticism." i imagine you feel that neph's abuse is useless. well, think about this:

how constructive is your PRAISE? i think its great that you have found that you love buriedalive's songs, but you don't really have any criticism to offer him, do you? don't get mad at others for not offering constructive criticism when you yourself do not offer criticism either.

and i think that neph has a point. regardless of how "meanly" or "nicely" he put it, he has said what i've been trying to say for a long time: violence/death metaphorical language is overrused and can become boring. just like slasher movies don't scare you with blood and gore because it's been done so much, violence/death songs don't have much impact now because they have been done so much. we need a new way to be emotional. as kids that seem to be raised on depressing pop and punk, we know how to write that kind of stuff in our sleep. let's go for writing about emotions in a different way, and it'll be fresher, better, and something unique. something we did ourselves, eh? better than talking about how much the sky is bleeding.

buriedalive, you say not to judge a song by its cover. dude, that's the only way to judge it. the song needs to be able to stand on its own; it shouldn't need a story or a feeling unique to you to back it up. songs stand on their own merit, not on the merit of the author's feelings or emotions. a song should be more than just an allegory of something real, it should give a real experience itself.

[BuriedAlive]

wewin, i like you. for one reason you explain everything not just say your song sucks do something about it.

also the reason for feeling guilty is because you could have prevented it.

and remembering when the sun burnt out was the scacrifice.
which is why the people died in the end of the song.

"it" is the sun.

also the line "it halting as the imperfection disowned upon us" it meant that the suns on imperfection made it not want us or think of it as its own (im really into the stars and thats how planet earth was formed. and the sun is a star. which means all or some stars or related to us in a freaky sense.)

i tried writing about something else (theres a killer in us all) and it didnt work out.

and blood can be stiff when you freeze to death your blood is stiff. its soild. the blood freezes. stiff means not moving freely and the blood wont be moving freely if its frozen. which is why its stiff.

and my songs as of late havent been forced, they just havent been thought all the way through. people expect so much from me since i wrote "1945", everyone liked it and im trying to bring the same of excitement i guess for you guys as readers.

and yes i meant crucifixion, sorry.

and now that you pointed all this out to me i will look over the song fix it up and repost it. maybe people wont hate me as much.

[BuriedAlive]

also that is where the title came from. if the sun became a sacrifice to save ones life. then in the end it would have ruin a lifetime and ended mankind forever. and yes this is so bad it would ruin a lifetime.

[Korvans]

I'm glad Neph agreed with me.... Buried i'm not saying you're a bad writer all i'm saying is that all you're doing is copying what other people have done....it does get very OLD and DULL...people these days don't write what they're feeling or what they're thinking about, they do to a point but they jump on the bandwagon of violence, suicide, and depression just as the "popular" bands write about and base it around that

[BuriedAlive]

well if you knew me you would understand i didnt jump on the bandwagon. my life is full of depression and suicidal thoughts. i seriously dont think i have to open up anymore for you. just trust me, i do write with my feelings and with alot of emotion. it is also hard to come up with something new to write about. writing about girls "cliche" and if you had a mix of death to it your classified a bad writer. i dont get it. i will try to present my feelings better to you guys in my next song. whenever i do post it hopefully you guys wont hate me anymore.

[wewin]

Um...

and remembering when the sun burnt out was the scacrifice.
which is why the people died in the end of the song.

how is remembering ANYTHING a sacrifice? a sacrifice is when you put another's needs ahead of your own...so are you using it correctly?


also the line "it halting as the imperfection disowned upon us"
...this line just doesn't make sense. you could say, "disowned us", but not "disowned upon us." it just isn't grammatically correct to say it the way you said it.

I still think that you should try writing about something else.

and blood can be stiff when you freeze to death your blood is stiff. its soild. the blood freezes. stiff means not moving freely and the blood wont be moving freely if its frozen. which is why its stiff. yeah, i know...but FROZEN blood is stiff, not blood itself. your language, "stiff as blood", doesn't mean anything.

A simile is when you compare something to something else using "like" or "as". Example: the man is AS fast as a speeding car. You're trying to say "stiff AS blood". What it MEANS is "stiff as FROZEN BLOOD", but frozen blood is already stiff. it's just an incomplete and redundant saying. saying "blood as stiff as a board" or "blood as stiff as ice", that's more along the lines of what you want to say. Get me?

maybe people wont hate me as much. don't you even START on the "oh woe is me" gag. It comes off as whining and sniveling and annoying and self-pitying, something NO ONE likes unless they SUCK. don't even start that.

my life is full of depression and suicidal thoughts.

yeah, really. how bad is your life? so bad you're able to write SONGS ABOUT IT? no problem is ever as big as you think it is. There's nothing insurmountable if you have enough will. There's no problem in the real world that will haunt and inhibit you for the rest of your life unless you let it. and suicide is for losers who suck too much and who are too selfish and self-pitying to see another way. don't be a fucking loser.

[xxSpOoKsxx]

you've got some good lyrics there! try putting them to a song.

[BuriedAlive]

but wewin i used blood stiff. not stiff as blood. so its meaning the blood flow stopped.

[wewin]

oh.

[BuriedAlive]

yep, does it make sense now?

[wewin]

overall, your song still makes no sense. the whole "sacrifice" idea makes no sense.

but the blood part got cleared up for me.

[BuriedAlive]

i am going to rewrite the song so there is no confusion and why there is a sacrifice in the first place.

[BuriedAlive]

wow, i post too many songs of such low quality.