I Cant Remember Our World, I Wouldnt

[TokyoCity]

So this is totally my first time posting here and I decided to share a poem I recently made. As Ive read through the forum ive noticed alot of awesome writers, hopefully you can offer some constructive criticism.

I Cant Remember Our World, I Wouldnt
Technologic beauty is in, we'll take the sun and capture it, we'll take this land and pave it.
Skyscrapers tear the landscape. Vehicles pollute with noise and emissions,knowing but not caring, aware yet unaffected.
A moment of deficiency in a lifetime of opulence.
We see our misconceptions but choose ignorance.


Tell me what you think.

[TokyoCity]

bump?

[thecurerocks182]

So this is totally my first time posting here and I decided to share a poem I recently made. As Ive read through the forum ive noticed alot of awesome writers, hopefully you can offer some constructive criticism.

I Can't Remember Our World, I Wouldn't
Technologic beauty is in, <---I liked where you were going with this, but then you never followed through with it. Instead, you choose to use platitudes which offered nothing exciting for the reader. Try to write something that isn't expected or imagery with more abstraction which forces the reader to consider the thing(s) you wrote.
we'll take the sun and capture it, <Your point being? Solar energy is a very efficient source of alternative energy. Perhaps, you meant atomic warfare, and if so then you should have elaborated more.
we'll take this land and pave it.
Skyscrapers tear the landscape.
Vehicles pollute with noise and emissions, <---try not to be too literal as it reads quite dreary.
knowing but not caring, aware yet unaffected. Why are you repeating yourself?
A moment of deficiency in a lifetime of opulence. <---too literal
We see our misconceptions but choose ignorance. <---this line is unnecessary as you have already established this in the last two lines and did it better.

Also, the grammar in this piece is atrocious. Try to remember that a period signifies the end of an idea and a comma is a continuation of an idea. You have many run-on's and comma splices.
Tell me what you think.
I thought that it is in need of some revision. It is not terrible nor is it great, but I encourage you to continue writing despite what I have said; thus, take everything said as suggestions and try not to be disheartened. Good luck!

PS - Please, check out my thread/song.

[TokyoCity]

I thought that it is in need of some revision. It is not terrible nor is it great, but I encourage you to continue writing despite what I have said; thus, take everything said as suggestions and try not to be disheartened. Good luck!

PS - Please, check out my thread/song.

PS -

Thanks man, great suggestions. Ill write more stuff with that in mind.

[thecurerocks182]

No problem, fellow Canadian...now, check my song out lol. I'm serious.

[CellarGhosts]

I thought this was a good first effort. Basically, I'm just going to second everything thecurerocks182 already said. Try not to be too literal, etc. But don't get discouraged. Keep trying at it.