View Full Version : It's About Time Someone Took the Trash Out
Writer's block = gone. Maybe this isn't my best, and it has a bunch of rough edges, but I like it. Here goes:
Let’s take a walk,
so that I may show my true self,
my humble yet pretentious viewpoints
beneath an arrogant facade.
Yes, I do claim to be more than I show on the surface
and you will all love me for it.
I swear, you're going to write a book on me
someday, and it's title will be:
"One Who Bit Off More Than He Could Chew"
The world would agree,
but if anyone can take on the world
it's me.
Do you remember when
as children we would fall down in parks and playgrounds
and skin our knees?
The blood would spill and leave an imprint,
telling the stories of our lives,
stories mixed with our sweet tears,
and salty sweat on the pavement.
The asphalt will be hailed by generations after us
as the breeding ground for death and destruction
as the stories of our pasts are read aloud,
read aloud from the gray pages
scribbled upon by splattered red ink.
My life is:
full yet flawless,
harsh yet painless,
cheap yet priceless.
Fin.
It's pretty short, I know.
vandalsandquinn
03/12/07, 07:41 PM
That's alright, I like your vocabulary
EDIT: I'ma send you me sucking at the piano
CellarGhosts
03/12/07, 07:42 PM
Short, but great. Stumbled a bit at the beginning of the second stanza, for me anyway, but picked itself right back up...oddly enough, the line mentions "falling down" haha...yeah nevermind haha
So good job, man. (by the way, I've got a new one up. I'd appreciate your feedback ;)
Short, but great. Stumbled a bit at the beginning of the second stanza, for me anyway, but picked itself right back up...oddly enough, the line mentions "falling down" haha...yeah nevermind haha
So good job, man. (by the way, I've got a new one up. I'd appreciate your feedback ;)
Yeah, that stanza starts off shaky, but I think the rest of it is the best part of the song.
That's alright, I like your vocabulary
EDIT: I'ma send you me sucking at the piano
Thanks.
I'm listening now!
as_we_learn
03/12/07, 08:35 PM
not your best work but i enjoyed it. good job man
thecurerocks182
03/12/07, 10:49 PM
Hmmm... I think this is the only one I have read from you that I have disliked. It seemed pretty contrived and rough as you have stated. The part about skinning one's knee was inane to me. I, personally, enjoyed the first half more. Although, it was rough (the flow isn't great and the book part made me cringe a little), it seemed genuine. Nice to see you writing again, though.
PS - Check out my song if you ever are without anything to do. I would greatly appreciate it.
Hmmm... I think this is the only one I have read from you that I have disliked. It seemed pretty contrived and rough as you have stated. The part about skinning one's knee was inane to me. I, personally, enjoyed the first half more. Although, it was rough (the flow isn't great and the book part made me cringe a little), it seemed genuine. Nice to see you writing again, though.
PS - Check out my song if you ever are without anything to do. I would greatly appreciate it.
I can see why you'd find this contrived, but to the contrary, this whole piece was written in about 6 minutes and just flowed out of me. I always hold your opinions in pretty high regard, but this is one I disagree with.
But I will check out your stuff.
lalalalovely
03/13/07, 12:42 AM
the flow isn't perfect and the begening of the first stanza seemed rougher to me. but overall i liked it.
thecurerocks182
03/13/07, 10:49 AM
I can see why you'd find this contrived, but to the contrary, this whole piece was written in about 6 minutes and just flowed out of me. I always hold your opinions in pretty high regard, but this is one I disagree with.
But I will check out your stuff.
Well, I was going to go indepth with my criticism, but it was 3 in the morning. I think I was a little too harsh, but I was weighing against other pieces you have written. Anyways, I await a revision now that I know how long the writing process actaully was.
vandalsandquinn
03/13/07, 02:39 PM
Tariiiiq how was it?
Tariiiiq how was it?
Haha, it was fine. It wasn't good, I'm not going to lie for you (I still love you though). You were off-key and pitchy at parts... but I can't say I'm better, in fact, you and I should start a band together and do split vocals. haha
vandalsandquinn
03/13/07, 03:19 PM
Haha, it was fine. It wasn't good, I'm not going to lie for you (I still love you though). You were off-key and pitchy at parts... but I can't say I'm better, in fact, you and I should start a band together and do split vocals. haha
Hahah, it definetly didn't help that the piano I was playing hasn't been tuned in almost 4 years
Hahah, it definetly didn't help that the piano I was playing hasn't been tuned in almost 4 years
ahahahaha, that would also be a problem.
I should upload my latest Neutral Milk Hotel cover, it's pretty bad.
a speedo model
03/13/07, 03:34 PM
It starts off a bit shaky like was stated above, but I really liked the rest. From about Mid-first stanza and then on is good.
vandalsandquinn
03/13/07, 03:46 PM
ahahahaha, that would also be a problem.
I should upload my latest Neutral Milk Hotel cover, it's pretty bad.
Do it do it! I'm gonna up me playing some classical music, no singing
Do it do it! I'm gonna up me playing some classical music, no singing
http://www.sendspace.com/file/3gz5ke
It starts off a bit shaky like was stated above, but I really liked the rest. From about Mid-first stanza and then on is good.
Thanks.
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