Red, Black and White

[TheDreamIsOver]

Hey guys. Let me know what you think of this. All criticizm is welcome.


Red, Black and White

I'll take this blade from my aching back and shove it into yours
It only seems fair to return the favor to your blistering soul
Nine months seems far too long to let it slide into what you had
A night woken up in cold sweat without the comfort there

Too much time gone by
No longer can I wait
Proceed with caution
Don't cross the tape

I wear red, black and white on this lonely night
To mourn the death of you
I raise my crimson glass to toast your end

Tripped on a wire, the one which took the person you had become
To say that ninety three was the one night that belonged to me
Is only stretching the truth without stretching out your spine
Tomarrow has always lied to my face while I smashed yours in

Too much time gone by
No longer can I wait
Proceed with caution
Don't cross the tape

I wear red, black and white on this lonely night
To mourn the death of you
I raise my crimson glass to toast your end

Pull my spine by my brain stem and use it as your party hat
Your victory dance wont seem quite so sweet with what you had
My chest was heaving "I hate to be the one to take it all"
Bleeding from out of the eyes having to watch it all die

Too much time gone by
No longer can I wait
Proceed with caution
Don't cross the tape

I wear red, black and white on this lonely night
To mourn the death of you
I raise my crimson glass to toast your end

[proeuthanasia]

ahem..........it's a bit graphic. but i suppose there's nothing wrong with that if it's the way you like to express your feelings. the song's alright. has potential, but definitely needs some work. try not to rhyme so much. just use words that explain what you're saying rather than searching for words that rhyme with the previous line.

[TheDreamIsOver]

Thanks for the feedback. It's still a bit of a rough draft I know that it needs more work. Thanks for your opinion on it.

Anyone else?

[BuriedAlive]

not bad, not bad.

[The Nephilm]

STOP WRITING LIKE BRAND NEW. THEY CAN'T WRITE GOOD LYRICS, AND NEITHER CAN YOU.

[TheDreamIsOver]

Uh I wasn't writing like BRAND NEW as you say...Im writing like I write, if you don't like it thats fine, but it's my own thoughts and not me trying to be like someone else.

[BuriedAlive]

amen to that. i dont even like brand new, tbs, or finch but made an ASSumption that i was trying to write like them.

[The Nephilm]

every one of their songs has a violence/death metaphore in them. your songs all have violence/death metaphores streaming through them. therefore, you write like a shittier, less talented version of them.

[TheDreamIsOver]

"Your songs all"

Last time I checked pal I've posted 2 songs thats all, so you are an idiot.

Second of all, you're going to bad mouth my stuff when you post that horrible piece of yours? It ryhmed so much I thought I was reading the cat the in the hat.

I could outwrite you anyday pal. And from the looks of it everyone else on here can too.

[Kayde]

I think the lyrics are good its a little rough but hey its better than any of mine lol..:D

[The Nephilm]

Originally posted by TheDreamIsOver
"Your songs all"

Last time I checked pal I've posted 2 songs thats all, so you are an idiot.

Second of all, you're going to bad mouth my stuff when you post that horrible piece of yours? It ryhmed so much I thought I was reading the cat the in the hat.

I could outwrite you anyday pal. And from the looks of it everyone else on here can too.

Well good job buddy, I wasn't writing that to you. But now that you have my attention, let me try to understand this thing that you have written, and we'll just see where we are after that mmkk??

Lets start with the opening line to your post:
Hey guys. Let me know what you think of this. All criticizm is welcome.

Ok. I criticized you. I figured that since your song seemed somewhat well thought out, that you were older than 12 and could stand to be yelled at... apparently I'm wrong.

Now on to the 'song'
Red, Black and White

I'll take this blade from my aching back and shove it into yours
It only seems fair to return the favor to your blistering soul
Nine months seems far too long to let it slide into what you had
A night woken up in cold sweat without the comfort there

The opening lines are played out. That is why I instantly didn't like your song. Stabbing in the back... that has been used god knows how many times. And what is with blistering soul? It's hurt? Or does blistering signify heat aka possibly anger?

So initially we have a feeling of resentment of anger... the next lines kind of contradict what you initially said... to me the line about nine months doesn't really make sense. What are you trying to say? What did "you" have? And what exactly slid?
Next you say that you have woken up in a cold sweat because this person isn't there... so are you now upset and scared that they aren't there? Two lines before you wanted to hurt them like they hurt you?? I guess I could be reading it wrong. Possibly you are saying that the person is waking up in a cold sweat, but it initially reads as if it is how you are feeling because you opened the verse with your own feelings.

Too much time gone by
No longer can I wait
Proceed with caution
Don't cross the tape


Now with this RHYME it seems as if you are going to forgive this person because you can't wait any longer. Or it could go the other way. If you aren't forgiving them, you won't wait for them, then why proceed with caution? This stanza is very misleading and makes me confused as to what you are talking about.

I wear red, black and white on this lonely night
To mourn the death of you
I raise my crimson glass to toast your end


Now I am faily certain that this is a chorus that signifies you leaving and forgetting this person (symbolized by a cliched death metphore). Weren't you wanting to take them back before? Or forgive them? Again I could be misunderstanding this because for all intensive purposes the lines before this didn't make sense. And what does the red, black and white symbolize? I trust they are not random colors...


Tripped on a wire, the one which took the person you had become
To say that ninety three was the one night that belonged to me
Is only stretching the truth without stretching out your spine
Tomarrow has always lied to my face while I smashed yours in

So this kind of tells me that you then were with this same person although they were obviously different, and you didn't like it. This is then followed by more cliched metaphores to violence with the smashing of the face...


Pull my spine by my brain stem and use it as your party hat
Your victory dance wont seem quite so sweet with what you had
My chest was heaving "I hate to be the one to take it all"
Bleeding from out of the eyes having to watch it all die

Again with the spine thing... don't use it more than once... or better yet don't use it at all.
The second line doesn't make sense. It says they aren't going to enjoy their dance, because of what they had?? How is what they had in the past supposed to alter their mood at the present?
And again followed by the overused bleeding metaphores and death...

Now here is what I have to say. If your song made a point, it was lost on me. I think the whole thing is overly confusing, and can lead you in a lot of directions. Now don't give me the bull shit about not being smart enough to understand it, or it was meant to be so you couldn't figure it out... I like lyrics like that... I think Davey Havok is a master at that art and I love his lyrics.... i think you were trying something like that, however I think you tried to make it confusing and it just kind of ruined the whole thing.

Now I do think you have talent. You can write songs with proper rhym scheme, and do have some originality. However, your music will never go anywhere using the cliched violence metaphores that a littered throughout this song. As well, don't try to write songs for the sake of making them confusing. They don't have to be. I think you tried to hard to come up with a masterpiece, and to me it didn't turn out that great.

And as for your cracks on my lyrics. If you don't like them, or don't understand them, tell me why and I will explain things to you. I don't think that most people could comprehend what I am writing about mainly because it has so many biblical and cultural references that unless a person has taken a lot of religious studies classes, they might be confused. And as for my song rhyming, let me tell you about some other songwriters who rhymed... The Beatles, The Eagles, CCR, Zeppelin, James Morrison, Morrisey, etc. etc. etc.

I wasn't trying to be a dick to you, I was just merely pointing out the fact that you used a cliche in your song. But then you went and pissed me off....

And sure bro, you could "outwrite" me any day. I didn't think we were measuring dicks here, but oh well here we go...

So please enlighten me if I misinterpreted anything in your song. I'd love for you to explain it to me.

[TheDreamIsOver]

Much better...THATS the kind of feedback I want, something that can help with some things I may be doing wrong. Not "Stop writing like Brand New" Or going on to insult me. So thanks for some actual thoughts on the song and even breaking it down into pieces.

I do apologize for being immature and attacking yours as well though, I did it out of anger which was stupid because I shouldn't have gotten angry anyway.

And no I didn't write it to be confusing, I can see how it would be to someone else because it's a personal song.

I know it's rough, it still needs work.

But anyway, no hard feelings?

[wewin]

what's all this shit about "a personal song"??? you think that just because it's "a personal song" it's okay that it's utterly incomprehensible to everyone else but you??

If no one can relate to it or understand it, it's a shitty "personal song". if you're trying to convey a feeling, then you should convey it so we can understand it. if i can't relate to your "personal song", then why should i care about it??

and why even apply "personal" to it? EVERY GODDAMN SONG IS A PERSONAL SONG...IT WAS WRITTEN BY A PERSON!!!

Also: why ask for criticism and then not respond to it? Neph asked some questions of your song (questions i have too) and then you blow him off by hiding behind "oh my song is personal, i'm so deep, you CANNOT understand"!

and neph's crack about you writing like brand new WAS constructive criticism, albeit hard to understand. instead of immediately denying that you wrote like brand new (you have no idea what he's referring to, so how can you deny it?), you should've said, "what do you mean?".

Gah. it's true. you DO write like them, you DO use violence death metaphors and so do they. it's a quality you have in common. using english, we can say that you "write like brand new".

now answer neph's questions. the rest of your response can be about hating me if you want.

[xxSpOoKsxx]

thats a pretty good song!

[TheDreamIsOver]

By personal Wewin, I meant there are a few lines in there that may only make sense to me, I understand why he doesn't get the line "Nine months seems far too long to let it slide into what you had
A night woken up in cold sweat without the comfort there"
It's because he obviously doesn't know me and has no clue what happened, so I can see where the confusion comes from. I'll try and change it up a bit so that it makes more sense to other readers

And If I do "write like Brand New" it's not like I set out to do, you guys act as if I put on my Brand New albums while I write and think "Gee how can I write like this??"

I understand my shit needs work, thats why I posted them here, I just don't think it's cool to just totally be insulted when someone doesn't like what was written. And Wewin, you seem like a smart guy, you didn't need to insult me like that in my other thread, you were much more civil in this one and made some valid points, stick to that. I got a feeling you're gonna be busting my chops when you see my songs on here everytime.