Since I've been bitching...

[The Nephilm]

This is the only song I happen to have on my computer.... it was posted in the general forum a while ago but anyways...
___________________________________ _____________

I could scream a scream to end all tears
A haunted voice of misery
Listen close and you shall hear
An empty shattered soul
Omnipotence replaced by fear
A dark shroud surrounds me
Malevolence is now my dear
And yet I have to reason

A latent life fell from the sky
It burned a hole through seven eyes
Wings dissipate without air.

What force of wind blew the cloud
That blocked the vine of light
Or was a seed even to be found
To grace my life that night

A latent life fell from the sky
It burned a hole through seven eyes
Shadows still remain.

Watch it fall like snow, a thing of beauty, a bride in black.
Sip like wine, in moderation. But hide your eyes, never let it back.

[blaarg]

uber-keen, i like it alot, good job

[proeuthanasia]

i like it. however, it's more of a poem than a song. hm...something to do with the 'rhythm', perhaps? ahem...i'm going to resist the urge to hold a grudge for that and just say 'good job'.

[BuriedAlive]

your song well, haha its nothing that would even impress a 5th grader. you rhymed every other line in the first verse. i think its very childish.

[Alex Djaferis]

i like that a whole damn lot dude. when i usually write its often in the same vein, but not as precise as that.

[wewin]

Neph, I like this. Read some of my stuff, I want to see what you think of it. Post more.

I think that the rhyme scheme is what makes this song. It's true that the themes here are repeated incessantly throughout a lot of "hardcore" or "emo" songs, but i think that the rhyme scheme makes this song sound more "epic". I associate rhyming to old poems, like frost or poe, and feel that a well-rhymed poem can carry more weight than a well-written, but not rhymed, poem.

Some seem to think that rhyming is childish. I think that BAD rhyming is childish, especially when the song rhymes more than it makes sense. People can use rhymes as "filler". I admire the way that your song remains cohesive and meaningful even with rhyming, and I admire the way that the song is made better by the addition of rhyming.

Too often, songs of regret/violence/death/love/misery/emo-y feelings sound like someone just bitching, with no regard for crafting a song or making it artistically valuable. I'm glad that you took the time to order an "emotional"-type song, and the time to order it well.

Now, criticism: i can provide more feedback if you tell me what the song is about, or what message you are trying to convey.

I could scream a scream to end all tears i dislike word repetition, personally. Basically, we know that screams are screamed; that you produce a scream by screaming. Instead, you could kind of make the poem more...um...you could make it sound (lol) "deeper" by replacing "scream" with something else. Spin a scream? Sculpt a scream? You obviously have a "poetry" sort of slant to your song, and you could emphasize it more by using clever wordplay.
A haunted voice of misery <---haunted? that word is too overused to conjure any feelings. I think it could be substituted with a better word, perhaps one more conducive to thinking of an "empty shattered soul".
Listen close and you shall hear <--this line and the following line are weaker than the rest of the song. "Listen close and you shall hear...", that kind of phrase is overused. My big pet peeves about songs is their originality (or lack thereof) and the quality of expression (how well the song's idea is conveyed.) I think that these lines could be made better. Especially if you didn't use "empty" or "shattered" (words that have been lost to the emo junkpile.)
An empty shattered soul

Omnipotence replaced by fear
A dark shroud surrounds me
Malevolence is now my dear
And yet I have to reason

I like this portion. Change "dark shroud" to something else. Crowded tomb? I dunno. Something more interesting. Hang us on every word. "Malevolence is now my dear" is just a fucking cool line.

A latent life fell from the sky latent is a weak word. I suggest something like "dreaming", "slumbering"...
It burned a hole through seven eyes Why seven? why not eight? Explain...?
Wings dissipate without air.

What force of wind blew the cloud
That blocked the vine of light
Or was a seed even to be found
To grace my life that night

I like this portion very much. I suggest, though, that you make the meaning a bit clearer, as too much confusion in a poem may cause the song to feel a bit slapped together. Good word choices keep the song moving, and this part moves very well.

A latent life fell from the sky
It burned a hole through seven eyes
Shadows still remain. "shadows" is not a word that makes me think of evil or dark anymore, it makes me think of bad love songs and bad evil songs. It's been associated with depression for too long, and it comes across as a melodrama whenever i hear it used. This is just my opinion, feel free to disagree.


Watch it fall like snow, a thing of beauty, a bride in black.
Sip like wine, in moderation. But hide your eyes, never let it back.

this is a solid closing. Good song!

Tell me what you think of my suggestions. Tell me what you think of my songs. Keep writing.

PS: i agree with you about “stop using violence/death metaphores to describe feelings. you sound like every other bad lyric band out there (aka brand new, finch, TBS etc.) ”

[The Nephilm]

Originally posted by wewin
Neph, I like this. Read some of my stuff, I want to see what you think of it. Post more.

I think that the rhyme scheme is what makes this song. It's true that the themes here are repeated incessantly throughout a lot of "hardcore" or "emo" songs, but i think that the rhyme scheme makes this song sound more "epic". I associate rhyming to old poems, like frost or poe, and feel that a well-rhymed poem can carry more weight than a well-written, but not rhymed, poem.

Some seem to think that rhyming is childish. I think that BAD rhyming is childish, especially when the song rhymes more than it makes sense. People can use rhymes as "filler". I admire the way that your song remains cohesive and meaningful even with rhyming, and I admire the way that the song is made better by the addition of rhyming.

Too often, songs of regret/violence/death/love/misery/emo-y feelings sound like someone just bitching, with no regard for crafting a song or making it artistically valuable. I'm glad that you took the time to order an "emotional"-type song, and the time to order it well.

Now, criticism: i can provide more feedback if you tell me what the song is about, or what message you are trying to convey.

I could scream a scream to end all tears i dislike word repetition, personally. Basically, we know that screams are screamed; that you produce a scream by screaming. Instead, you could kind of make the poem more...um...you could make it sound (lol) "deeper" by replacing "scream" with something else. Spin a scream? Sculpt a scream? You obviously have a "poetry" sort of slant to your song, and you could emphasize it more by using clever wordplay.
A haunted voice of misery <---haunted? that word is too overused to conjure any feelings. I think it could be substituted with a better word, perhaps one more conducive to thinking of an "empty shattered soul".
Listen close and you shall hear <--this line and the following line are weaker than the rest of the song. "Listen close and you shall hear...", that kind of phrase is overused. My big pet peeves about songs is their originality (or lack thereof) and the quality of expression (how well the song's idea is conveyed.) I think that these lines could be made better. Especially if you didn't use "empty" or "shattered" (words that have been lost to the emo junkpile.)
An empty shattered soul

Omnipotence replaced by fear
A dark shroud surrounds me
Malevolence is now my dear
And yet I have to reason

I like this portion. Change "dark shroud" to something else. Crowded tomb? I dunno. Something more interesting. Hang us on every word. "Malevolence is now my dear" is just a fucking cool line.

A latent life fell from the sky latent is a weak word. I suggest something like "dreaming", "slumbering"...
It burned a hole through seven eyes Why seven? why not eight? Explain...?
Wings dissipate without air.

What force of wind blew the cloud
That blocked the vine of light
Or was a seed even to be found
To grace my life that night

I like this portion very much. I suggest, though, that you make the meaning a bit clearer, as too much confusion in a poem may cause the song to feel a bit slapped together. Good word choices keep the song moving, and this part moves very well.

A latent life fell from the sky
It burned a hole through seven eyes
Shadows still remain. "shadows" is not a word that makes me think of evil or dark anymore, it makes me think of bad love songs and bad evil songs. It's been associated with depression for too long, and it comes across as a melodrama whenever i hear it used. This is just my opinion, feel free to disagree.


Watch it fall like snow, a thing of beauty, a bride in black.
Sip like wine, in moderation. But hide your eyes, never let it back.

this is a solid closing. Good song!

Tell me what you think of my suggestions. Tell me what you think of my songs. Keep writing.

PS: i agree with you about “stop using violence/death metaphores to describe feelings. you sound like every other bad lyric band out there (aka brand new, finch, TBS etc.) ”

I LOVE YOU.

but seriously, hit me up on AIM: intomorrowsashes, or send me an email so i can contact you: claydon99@cox.net

this is far from what I consider to be my good songs, but it was the only one i had online and i didn't feel like typing for half and hour.

[The Nephilm]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
your song well, haha its nothing that would even impress a 5th grader. you rhymed every other line in the first verse. i think its very childish.

well good! you must hate every song that has ever rhymed in history!! fuck, we should just write to the beatles, the doors, zeppelin, the stones, CCR, etc.etc.etc. and tell them what horrible song writers they all are. Shame on them for rhyming!

oh, and since it is so childish and you understand it so well, please without a dictionary define those certain words that I'm sure a 5th grader (or you) would have to read over about 10 times to pronounce and also point out the biblical/ancient history references that I used. Since it is such a childish song and all... even you could have understood everything. Right?

[BuriedAlive]

Omnipotence and malevolence are the only words an average 5th grader wouldnt know. and im not a human fucking dictionary. i dont know every word. and i dont know its origin. but you would normally know a basic defintion of most words. i had to. and yes im not that old sorry im only 14. your more than likely older than me. and im not here to hold a grudge with you or anything. yes i have taken your advice into consideration. the next song i will post should obay most of your guidlines.

[Korvans]

good song - fuck buried...he's a poor little ol 14 year old who doesn't know shit about structure, meaning, or reference to song writing ....rhyming will always be a part of songs and poetry - just because someone does or doesn't do it doesn't matter. it's how it's put together that makes the song what it is...

[The Nephilm]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
Omnipotence and malevolence are the only words an average 5th grader wouldnt know. and im not a human fucking dictionary. i dont know every word. and i dont know its origin. but you would normally know a basic defintion of most words. i had to. and yes im not that old sorry im only 14. your more than likely older than me. and im not here to hold a grudge with you or anything. yes i have taken your advice into consideration. the next song i will post should obay most of your guidlines.

that shut you up didn't it

i'm 19, but i will give you credit and say that you are writing well for a 14 year old.

[BuriedAlive]

well thanks. maybe i took your criticism (not a good speller) too harsh and sorta threw the anger on your song. im not used to hearing people say your song sucks. but maybe it was a wake up call. my next song whenever it gets written should be alot better than what most of you have read. and if its not it will be the worst.