Who Will Be Left, Such a Few

[TheFallenScene]

Something completely out of the ordinary from what I have written in the past. But commentary would be an excellent idea! Thanks.

Who Will Be Left, Such a Few

Cast away our lonely nights
Blindfolds cover the true lights
If it was something I saw it twice
The candle burnt out, the glass was sharp
A stranger laughed, as we all cry out

The sun is set the day’s gone pass
What is left but someone else’s mess?
Embarking on a journey, to a another past
Is someone missing from this last contest?
The walls would talk, and I left something out

(Chorus)
I saw the fire grew, as they lied
If we can we will send a letter to God
I could escape the diversions of a depraved leader
Who will be left, such a few

Caught off guard, a traitor changed his styles
Maybe we don’t want to go
A story of the year, changed for the better
All apologies to your friends and family
Because I was found a broken annex

(Chorus) x2
I saw the fire grew, as they lied
If we can we will send a letter to God
I could escape the diversions of a the leader
Who will be left, such a few

Will we shake this off?
If words are not being said
Could I pretend that this is all okay?
I know the hopes of few are small
But then you could forgive us all

Who will be left, such a few

[proeuthanasia]

it's structured and reads more like a poem than lyrics to a song. but it's alright nonetheless. work on it some. and you don't have to make sure each line rhymes with the last. wow.....what a concept.....

[TheFallenScene]

Thank you for your commentary. And by the way next time don't assume. Because I didn't know that some of the song rhymed with last.

[TheFallenScene]

Bump

[BuriedAlive]

i liked the song but i didnt understand the part about "I saw the fire grew" doesnt make sense to me.

[TheFallenScene]

Should be grow not grew. Sorry.

[wewin]

proeuthanasia, you're retarded.

sounds more like a poem than a song? what the hell does THAT mean? what is a song but a poem set to music?

thefallenscene, I like your song's beginning better than its end. The first two stanzas and the chorus are good, but then it feels as though you lose focus. "Found a broken annex"? It just doesn't read well. Clunky and awkward toward the end.
"traitor changing styles" and "maybe we don't want to go" are very powerful phrases. Something to shout along with.

if you'd like more advice or something, let me know. Reply to my stuff and see what you think of it.

[TheFallenScene]

Hey man thanks a lot. And the wording about the "broken annex" I was going to put "wing" but I already have a song about a broken wing. It was late and I just wanted to get it done. Also I do notice how the ending is kinda all screwy and I've been working on a new copy. I will check out some of your newer stuff and so on and tell you what I think. But thanks again.