The sweet heat of lust

[to kill this]

yeah so I haven't posted anything for a while, i've been busy with stuff at school and a lot of shit has been going down in my life. oh, and don't believe everything you hear about me on here. i don't blame him, but just dont' judge me by what everyone else says. soo yeah, here's one of my poems. i'll find some better stuff.


I've been leanin' over rooftops,
imprints of shingles on my knees
staring stupidly into the sun's heat
i feel the rhythm and the hum of the beat
of the pulse beneath my jeans
and it's been a long time since anyone's been in my sheets
and actually cared about me
and it's been too long since i've listened to my brain
too busy with the throbbing ache and pain
for contact, for attention, for fucking real affection.

[to kill this]

14 views and no comments? come on guys, i just want some feedback.

[a speedo model]

Find another word other then "stupidly" it's awkward and doesn't sound right. And I'm not sure about these two lines:
and it's been too long since i've listened to my brain
too busy with the throbbing ache and pain

They seem cliche so work on them. Other then that this was pretty solid. Good work.

[to kill this]

Find another word other then "stupidly" it's awkward and doesn't sound right. And I'm not sure about these two lines:
and it's been too long since i've listened to my brain
too busy with the throbbing ache and pain

They seem cliche so work on them. Other then that this was pretty solid. Good work.

thank you :)

[This_Is_The_End]

thank you :)
shut up noob

[fromwithin]

Girls are pieces of shit
Everytime I see one I want to hit
Them right in the face til they can't stand
I think that makes me a better man

[This_Is_The_End]

Girls are pieces of shit
Everytime I see one I want to hit
Them right in the face til they can't stand
I think that makes me a better man
lmao thats ridiculous
face down ver 2

[This_Is_The_End]

arent you like 15?

[mht]

i love girls that break guys hearts
its happened to me and ripped me apart
i just laugh at girls who are whores and say
ill be shitting on your life anyway.

[CellarGhosts]

Eh, I liked it. Honestly, it was nothing groundbreaking, and I wasn't all that impressed, but it was a good effort. As was said previously, find a different word to replace "stupidly" with. I'm sure there's plenty of words that would work much better but still convey the emotion (for lack of a better word) that you're going for. Also, I'd say try to make your poems longer, and maybe not use such simple rhymes. As you can see, it doesn't go over too well here. But all in all, nice work. I enjoyed it
PS: Next time you post something and it starts sliding down the page due to a lack of hits, don't say something about it like you did, just post this one-word reply:
"bump?"
...People will probably go easier on you haha. Not trying to be an ass or anything haha, I'm just trying to help.

[lew_1987]

i don't think the "fucking" was needed here. it seems a bit over the top to me. the first half is decent, the second half less so.