Swarms above Oatmeal Ocean

[wewin]

Drinking from Oatmeal Ocean

I can barely see love across the godless oceans of oatmeal trash
that spills from the mouths of make-believe poets
inspired by boring oatmeal muses.
Fumbling depression and mumbled excuses,
a minute for a song to stitch on crowded sleeves,
wearing garish tabloids and daring to sneer at the fashion police.

My enemy is the drones that drool love.
The makers are choking on the rot that you breathe,
a hive that builds despair and its vomit-crusted queen.
My enemy is the army of sequels she breeds.

I can tell that you barely know how to talk
around heartless mouthfuls of pre-chewed slop
that you call a song, to which you sing-along
from the mouths of fallow farmers embalming
their fallow cloning farms.

My enemy is the disgusting tears that you trail like a slug
and how you revel and adore your pretentious sluggy shrugs.
My enemies are the authors and their oatmeal-dripping pens
That paint the world one color and embrace the crying trend.

My enemy is the sad one who drives the herd on.
My enemy is the mad one who divides the poem and the song.
My enemy is the bad one who rewrites his favorite wrongs.
My enemy is all those who are content to sing along.

[TheFallenScene]

I really like this song it is very unique with your wording such as the lines including "oatmeal". Also the third verse I like all together and just your different wording is awesome.

But I don't know about the last verse where you repeat "my enemy" looks sorta strange. Then again a lot of songs have repeating lyrics. In the end they always turn out good when you sing them and add music.

Also one more thing the very last lines "sing along" I never really liked any part in any song where they add something like that. It could possibly work though. All depending on how it sounds with music and then sung.

Keep it up, Good Job.

[wewin]

bump. reply to this. i want some criticism. now.

[bleedperfection]

Song is good but seems a bit cheesy at time but i love the over all theme and the idea u put through with the drones
But i really think u need to change the title or no one will take ur song seriously

[TheDreamIsOver]

I thought it was good as well. I agree that the song title should be changed. Thats really my only complaint though. You're a good writer.

By the way the last bit was my favorite part.

Especially this line:

My enemy is the mad one who divides the poem and the song

Very cool. Keep up the good work.

[BuriedAlive]

i liked the song and the title. the title throws off the reader or the listener which is always cool.

I can tell that you barely know how to talk
around heartless mouthfuls of pre-chewed slop
that you call a song, to which you sing-along
from the mouths of fallow farmers embalming
their fallow cloning farms.

i didnt like the part about that you call a song, to which you sing-along. its kinda separate from the rest of the song. it does go with it but it kinda sounds dull.

you also said my enemy alot. it would get boring to me after awhile if i continued to hear it.

[wewin]

actually, the title is utterly ridiculous. i can't believe i didn't notice that. okay...i'll change that.

everything i write is always a work-in-progress forever, so i'll fiddle with this some. thanks!