Formal Affairs

[CellarGhosts]

Notes: This is what happens when I listen to the Hold Steady too much. Sure, I'm no Craig Finn. Nowhere near. But then again, is anyone? Anyway, this is a tale of what I would have liked to have happened back at my Fall Formal. It was set at Indiana Downs, so that's what I mean by the second line in the first verse. Thanks for reading.
=================================== ===========================
Formal Affairs

I managed to find her leaning over the rail, glittering in gown
We were lonely souls suspended in the air, a formal affair at the Downs
Lights stood guard around the horsetrack, illuminating the soft, fall night
Beneath their silver eyes she was drenched in that streaming light

She smiled at me and muttered something about how the stars looked so content
She said "the night's still young, but between you and me, I'm feeling awfully spent."
Well it's another night, where we all pretend that we don't really care
And it's a silent night - a nice night for a formal affair

Well the music lingered in the crowded room, as we swayed gently out on the floor
Meanwhile a ragtag gang of romantics shuffled towards the elevator doors
Suits and ties, gowns and soft surprise, decorated the whole damn room
Flooded with red-gold light, the air was thick with lust and love's silent bloom

Young lovers and loners, nightwatchmen and wallflowers,
Dotted the drink tables and betting stations
"Tonight," I said, "it's down to a choice between regret and relation"
Well it's a silent night, as we're dancing down those spiral stairs
And it's a soft, soft night - a nice night for a formal affair

Engines roaring to life in the parking lot, tires rolling through puddles and potholes
Young escapees taking off into the still of the night
Well the music is dying down, and the wind is making passes at the ground
So come dance with me one last time, and everything'll end up alright

She managed to find me leaning on a lamp post, shivering in a suit
We were two lonely souls, and she said to me, "you may not be much but you sure are cute"
Lights began to dim around the horsetrack, the moon reclaimed the sky above
We sat in my grandmother's Oldsmobile, talkin' all about life and love

=================================== ===========================

[ArTkY_]

:appl:

[OveriseFan]

Where's my post on this?

[CellarGhosts]

Thanks Tariq!

And James, I never did see a post from you on this one. Must've been an error in the submission process. I get that sort of thing now and then...

[a speedo model]

:appl:

[CellarGhosts]

:appl:
Thanks as well, Josiah!
PS - Is this one of those "consistently good or great pieces" OR....
Did this blow you away? haha
I'm asking, of course, in regards to your comment on my other most recent piece

[CellarGhosts]

PS - Anyone who can find the subtle Springsteen refrence gets not four, but five gold stars :)

[a speedo model]

Thanks as well, Josiah!
PS - Is this one of those "consistently good or great pieces" OR....
Did this blow you away? haha
I'm asking, of course, in regards to your comment on my other most recent piece
This one did blow me away. Excellent.

[as_we_learn]

:clap: :drew:woot woot haha. amazing job man

[xsxarexsoxscene]

I like it a lot. Beautiful imagery... you perfectly captured the wistfulness of young love haha.
This is my favorite line:

Meanwhile a ragtag gang of romantics shuffled towards the elevator doors

hmm criticism... the meter bothers me in a few places. You could change this by simply deleting or adding a few words. I don't like offering specific suggestions on that because I don't want to change the meaning on anything or misconstrue your emotions. So my advice would just be to read it though out loud and see what you can improve upon.

[ArTkY_]

Yeah, agree with Josiah. This one blew me away.

Truly one of the most unique pieces I have ever read on this site... or really anywhere for that matter. And you pulled it off! Great to see some variety from you.

[lfdfforever]

:worship:

[OveriseFan]

Clearly no one else listens to The Hold Steady or Springsteen, because this is like... not that original. It's different for the writing here, and what you usually write, but it's not anything that different.

I managed to find her leaning over the rail, glittering in gown
We were lonely souls suspended in the air, a formal affair at the Downs
Lights stood guard around the horsetrack, illuminating the soft, fall night
Beneath their silver eyes she was drenched in that streaming light

Eh, I feel like the meters off in the second line. There's also some modifiers I'm not huge on... "silver eyes" seems like... I don't know. Like it doesn't mean anything. I think you could do more with it. This is very good though.

She smiled at me and muttered something about how the stars looked so content
She said "the night's still young, but between you and me, I'm feeling awfully spent."
Well it's another night, where we all pretend that we don't really care
And it's a silent night - a nice night for a formal affair

This is brilliant.

Well the music lingered in the crowded room, as we swayed gently out on the floor
Meanwhile a ragtag gang of romantics shuffled towards the elevator doors
Suits and ties, gowns and soft surprise, decorated the whole damn room
Flooded with red-gold light, the air was thick with lust and love's silent bloom

Another great stanza. Although your modifiers are still weird, I know you don't care about that.

Young lovers and loners, nightwatchmen and wallflowers,
Dotted the drink tables and betting stations
"Tonight," I said, "it's down to a choice between regret and relation"
Well it's a silent night, as we're dancing down those spiral stairs
And it's a soft, soft night - a nice night for a formal affair

Nice use of repetition here.

Engines roaring to life in the parking lot, tires rolling through puddles and potholes
Young escapees taking off into the still of the night
Well the music is dying down, and the wind is making passes at the ground
So come dance with me one last time, and everything'll end up alright

Cheesy, but 'cute'.

She managed to find me leaning on a lamp post, shivering in a suit
We were two lonely souls, and she said to me, "you may not be much but you sure are cute"
Lights began to dim around the horsetrack, the moon reclaimed the sky above
We sat in my grandmother's Oldsmobile, talkin' all about life and love

I feel like you need to end this more conclusively. This is nice, but I'd end it with just a kiss or whatever...

=================================== ===========================

It's good. Still not one of those blow-me-away pieces though. But it's one of your better ones. I also don't think it's incredibly 'original'. I mean, at the end of the day it's a narrative. It's nothing that creative in my opinion.

[CellarGhosts]

This one did blow me away. Excellent.
Thanks!

:clap: :drew:woot woot haha. amazing job man
Hahah thanks man

I like it a lot. Beautiful imagery... you perfectly captured the wistfulness of young love haha.
This is my favorite line:

Meanwhile a ragtag gang of romantics shuffled towards the elevator doors

hmm criticism... the meter bothers me in a few places. You could change this by simply deleting or adding a few words. I don't like offering specific suggestions on that because I don't want to change the meaning on anything or misconstrue your emotions. So my advice would just be to read it though out loud and see what you can improve upon.
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

Yeah, agree with Josiah. This one blew me away.

Truly one of the most unique pieces I have ever read on this site... or really anywhere for that matter. And you pulled it off! Great to see some variety from you.
Thanks again, Tariq!

:worship:
Hahahaha thanks. I wouldn't go that far haha, but thanks just the same

It's good. Still not one of those blow-me-away pieces though. But it's one of your better ones. I also don't think it's incredibly 'original'. I mean, at the end of the day it's a narrative. It's nothing that creative in my opinion.
Thanks, James. I agree that it isn't all that original, but Im still pretty proud of it. I didn't expect you to be as straightforwardly impressed/enthusiastic as everyone else haha, but oh well. I like it that way haha.
But thanks for the criticism, and I'll definatley keep in mind any sort of praise/criticism anyone offers.

Thanks again, everyone haha

[OveriseFan]

Thanks, James. I agree that it isn't all that original, but Im still pretty proud of it. I didn't expect you to be as straightforwardly impressed/enthusiastic as everyone else haha, but oh well. I like it that way haha.
But thanks for the criticism, and I'll definatley keep in mind any sort of praise/criticism anyone offers.

Thanks again, everyone haha

It's not that it wasn't very good, it was. I just don't think you've found your niche yet.

It also isn't bow-down worthy.

[CellarGhosts]

It's not that it wasn't very good, it was. I just don't think you've found your niche yet.

It also isn't bow-down worthy.

Ok, thanks. I guess I'm still looking for my nice. And I agree, it isn't bow-down worthy but I still appreciate that comment haha