i wrote this song last night...

[BuriedAlive]

it is apart of one of my older songs that im rewriting. i took this from it and wrote this song. its not titled. its not my best piece but i think i got the message across. i would like comments and/or suggestions.

if you ever read this
be aware that I have changed
the guilt has filled my veins
it wasnt my fault, didn't let you fall
i was last to know, unable to react
stunned by the outcome, took it like a joke
i couldnt believe my eyes, had to look away
sorry, i couldnt prevent it
dreaming unconscious thoughts
looking for your eyes
but hollow glow misleads me
i know your probably looking over us
frowning, not knowing why it happened
its too late to make up for this dumb mistake
when i think of you, it kills me
if i would've known sooner,
unclear of what i would have done
i wish you could find a way to forgive
and let me rest with you some day

[proeuthanasia]

i remember this song. from the first 4 lines. i like this version a lot better though. it sounds more mature than the last. keep it up chris. feel kinda good to keep it clean for once?

[BuriedAlive]

no, they were all clean except one of my songs. i tried to hard. i realized if what i offer isnt good enough for you well then im sorry. i just wrote my thought as i did in all my songs except for one of my songs. and i learned never to try to impress.

but is there any suggestions?

[wewin]

the song reads like a "this happened then this happened" piece.
in the beginning.
like, "i was the last to know and i was unable to react and then i was stunned by the outcome so i took it like a joke i couldn't believe my eyes so i had to look away"...

it's like a ramble with no end. we never find out what happened that was so bad. it's like a build up that falls flat on its face because it doesn't lead to anything.

also "sorry, i couldn't prevent it" seems to indicate that there is nothing to feel guilty about...so why has guilt filled this person's veins?

"dreaming unconscious thoughts" is a terrible expression. how are thoughts unconscious? what?

the hollow glow bit doesn't make sense...

"if i would've known sooner,
unclear of what i would have done"<---why even say this?

"if you would've known sooner" implies that, if you would've known sooner, you would have done something different, right?

"if i'd have known better" or "if i'd have known sooner", these phrases are prefaces to "i would've done such-and-such a thing." if you aren't sure what you would've done, then it doesn't make sense to even begin this type of phrase.

on the whole, this song is on about the same level as the original version. i can't get hooked by it, there's no real emotion or story, just a bunch of emo phrasing and melodrama. this song makes me think that the speaker of the song is a loser.

it just feels wimpy.

[BuriedAlive]

the songs is about someone getting killed and you normally get that guilt feeling that if i was there i could have prevented it. so thats the guilt part.

the hollow glow. if you ever looked into a dead persons eyes it does look hollow and has some sorta glow to it.

this is still a rough draft so i wasnt completely sure about any of it.

and im not sure you want me to just bust out and say he was killed cuz he was gay and if i woulda known then i woulda helped (the song is written about the kid who was killed cuz he was gay) but i am gonna rethink it and add something about what happened to him and why this happened an so forth

[Alex Djaferis]

i like. and wewin, what lyrics could possibly appease you.

[xAlexisonfirex]

i don't like it.

nthing special, whys everyone on this guys nuts?

[BuriedAlive]

no one is on my nuts. but is this the first song you have read that i have written? these arent that good. i have some that i think are ok. maybe i should repost them. just for you.

[xAlexisonfirex]

i've read alot of your stuff, it's not bad for what its worth. but just like i used to write its totally been done before.

[BuriedAlive]

everything has been done before. you just gotta make it better.

[GREENatarisDAY]

oh yay here we go again, another song about someone getting killed or some violence erupting somewhere here or there. I dont like it, and like wewin said its just an endless ramble


maybe you should stop listneing to thursday and try being more experiemental

[BuriedAlive]

its pretty hard to experiment when everything is now cliche. i think thats bullshit. im sorry that my songs arent good enough for you. but hey, not everyone can like every song someone likes. and also thursday isnt the only band i listen too,

[wewin]

if it's about someone getting killed for being gay, that's a pretty powerful topic. however, there's no way anyone could have figured it out from the lyrics. try writing the song and keeping more of the inspiration in the lyrics.

[BuriedAlive]

im tired of kinda giving it away. i wanna make you puzzled and maybe wanna hear it again before you get the meaning. i think sometimes you need to keep the people guessing why. i think it makes it more interesting.

[wewin]

but there is no way anyone could possibly guess that this was about a gay person being killed. you can guess that it was about SOMEONE getting killed, but not a gay person. it's like you wrote the song about a gay person and then left out the gay and only wrote about the person. i'm not being a jerk here, but your explanation of the song includes information that isn't in the lyrics--its not a question of making the song mysterious.

[BuriedAlive]

i wasnt exactly directing my comment to this song in specific. i was talking about all of my songs. just cause they dont make complete sense doesnt mean its a horrible song. i also think its rude to say ya this gay guy got killed. im not sure how i could state that he was gay without having gay people questioning my song. so i guess i will only be able to keep it as someone being killed. maybe for being different. but it also by not stating why he was killed gives more room for people to relate.

[BuriedAlive]

and yes when i first wrote it i was thinking about the gay kid who got killed because he was gay. but after i look back and read i think the song is better by not stating it. it lets more people relate.

[wewin]

you're right, the way you wrote it, more people CAN relate.

[BuriedAlive]

i think if people can relate then they will like the song that much better.

[Rufio217]

Originally posted by wewin

"dreaming unconscious thoughts" is a terrible expression. how are thoughts unconscious? what?




Wel in case you didn't know you have 2 states of conscienceness, one which you recognize and use to deal with everyday things, the other is a subconscience that is automatic and does thigns that you don't know about which makes it possible to dream unconscience thoughts.......right now i could ask you whats 2 plus two you would sya 4 but in the back of your head your thinking of fudge pops, idk why but you are, ya know, its the 2 level of conscienceness working there...

[ISuckYoungBlood]

You used way to many over-used words such as - veins, (talking about falling) fall, eyes (everyone uses that in some way), dreaming,.... otherwise is decent.... you gotta be more strong and have smarter lines, better analogies to make it more clear but at the same time let it be very broad in your meaning and open to some imagination of other aspects of the story to the song.

[wewin]

Wel in case you didn't know you have 2 states of conscienceness, one which you recognize and use to deal with everyday things, the other is a subconscience that is automatic and does thigns that you don't know about which makes it possible to dream unconscience thoughts.......right now i could ask you whats 2 plus two you would sya 4 but in the back of your head your thinking of fudge pops, idk why but you are, ya know, its the 2 level of conscienceness working there... -Rufio217

yeah. yeah. i know that. except "unconscious" and "subconscious" are completely different things.

my problem with the "dreaming unconscious thoughts" line is this: thinking is something active, something you consciously do. you can't UNCONSCIOUSLY THINK. therefore the line makes no sense.

[Rufio217]

i got ya