Scenery is Scene

[OveriseFan]

I think Grace inspired this, since I read her new piece. If it sucks, blame her. If it's good, I take full credit.

She said to me Biloxi looks beautiful this time of year,
I believed her even though I'd never been.
I've traveled down the coast plenty of times,
But I've never seen the ocean, not even once.
The gulf swallowed the swallows from the sky,
And I called it a beautiful piece of art.
We read the walls for messages,
We only received bible passages.
I told her once I loved her,
And she laughed right in my face.

[Mannella]

See, I've traveled down the coast plenty of times

The "see" at the beginning of this line seems to break up the flow. I'd toss it, it's just overwriting.

I like this.

[missmatilde]

'I've traveled down the coast plenty of times,i
But I've never seen the ocean, not even once.
The gulf swallowed the swallows from the sky,
And I called it a beautiful piece of art.'
this is amazing, I really really like ths part...

[CellarGhosts]

Nice work, James. To be honest, I thought the first half (she said - piece of art) is brilliant, while the second half...just didn't do it for me at all. :shrug: Sorry haha. But if it works for you, then I wouldn't really suggest changing anything.

[OveriseFan]

Nice work, James. To be honest, I thought the first half (she said - piece of art) is brilliant, while the second half...just didn't do it for me at all. :shrug: Sorry haha. But if it works for you, then I wouldn't really suggest changing anything.

I kind of wrote this on the spot, just letting it flow.

I might re-work the second half, but without it completely, I don't know how much this will mean to me...

[lostfear]

reads like a diary entry, which I always love. and again (its so awesome everyone is doing this) references to geography, always make me smile. so I enjoyed this. well done james.

I am a fan of your writing.

[OveriseFan]

reads like a diary entry, which I always love. and again (its so awesome everyone is doing this) references to geography, always make me smile. so I enjoyed this. well done james.

I am a fan of your writing.

It's one thing Ben Gibbard does a lot that I'm a fan of. I'm trying to understand more what makes his writing so appealing (I'll be experimenting with rhyming a lot soon...).

Thank you so much, you don't know how much I appreciate your comments.

[lostfear]

yeah dood, check out my new jam "Her Eyes Were Taciturn"

your welcome.

[CellarGhosts]

I kind of wrote this on the spot, just letting it flow.

I might re-work the second half, but without it completely, I don't know how much this will mean to me...
That's cool. If the second half really does mean alot to you, let it be, then. But I would reccomed some revision to it.

[OveriseFan]

That's cool. If the second half really does mean alot to you, let it be, then. But I would reccomed some revision to it.

Margaret, Margaret, Margaret, why don't you stop crying?
No tears, chin up, come on smile.
You're beautiful, it's just the rain; it's just the rain.

All that will be scrapped and a new part will be written. That means nothing to me and it sucks.

[CellarGhosts]

Margaret, Margaret, Margaret, why don't you stop crying?
No tears, chin up, come on smile.
You're beautiful, it's just the rain; it's just the rain.

All that will be scrapped and a new part will be written. That means nothing to me and it sucks.
Haha, good job. Those lines are exactly the ones that threw me off. This piece should be better with the new lines.

[OveriseFan]

Haha, good job. Those lines are exactly the ones that threw me off. This piece should be better with the new lines.

Hell, it's better with those lines just removed.

Hopefully I'll write something better to stick in there...

Those lines didn't even make sense, and the last thing I would want to do is comfort someone who did that shit (the end) to me, right?

[CellarGhosts]

Hell, it's better with those lines just removed.

Hopefully I'll write something better to stick in there...

Those lines didn't even make sense, and the last thing I would want to do is comfort someone who did that shit (the end) to me, right?
Yeah, I read it again, and it flows much better with those lines removed. Something totally new would be a good idea for this.

[CellarGhosts]

Those lines didn't even make sense, and the last thing I would want to do is comfort someone who did that shit (the end) to me, right?
Haha, sorry, but no, they didn't. And I agree with your sentiment.

PS - Sorry I made two posts to reply to that. But the first time I could've sworn that last bit wasn't in there. I'm guessing you edited it just as I was replying..maybe?

[OveriseFan]

Haha, sorry, but no, they didn't. And I agree with your sentiment.

PS - Sorry I made two posts to reply to that. But the first time I could've sworn that last bit wasn't in there. I'm guessing you edited it just as I was replying..maybe?

Probably. I always edit my posts haha.

Thanks for your help though, I appreciate it.

I promise I'll give a full critique of your 'epic song' tomorrow.

[CellarGhosts]

Probably. I always edit my posts haha.

Thanks for your help though, I appreciate it.

I promise I'll give a full critique of your 'epic song' tomorrow.
Haha sure, no problem. Glad to help.

And thanks. I'll be looking forward to your critique haha.

[wyverna]

You read my piece but didn't comment? How rude!

/hypocrite

And I feel all cool for being inspiration. So I'll probably comment on this properly later. Just 'cause I can.

[lew_1987]

some good use of imagery there

[OveriseFan]

You read my piece but didn't comment? How rude!

/hypocrite

And I feel all cool for being inspiration. So I'll probably comment on this properly later. Just 'cause I can.

I'll leave a comment...

[vandalsandquinn]

This is alright James, but for the record I have never been and probably never will be a fan of this kind of, short simplistic poetry or whatever you'd call it

[OveriseFan]

This is alright James, but for the record I have never been and probably never will be a fan of this kind of, short simplistic poetry or whatever you'd call it

That's cool.

I mean, this is one of my favorite styles to write in. I just think it's fun and easy.

I've basically got: Short, simplistic poetry. Free-flowing, modernistic prose. Lyrics.

Those are my styles that I write in most...

[vandalsandquinn]

That's cool.

I mean, this is one of my favorite styles to write in. I just think it's fun and easy.

I've basically got: Short, simplistic poetry. Free-flowing, modernistic prose. Lyrics.

Those are my styles that I write in most...
It's not that it's bad, I just don't enjoy it for some reason.

I like really long epic things a lot of the time, which may be a factor hahah

[CellarGhosts]

It's not that it's bad, I just don't enjoy it for some reason.

I like really long epic things a lot of the time, which may be a factor hahah
I agree with what James said about short, simple stuff like this being fun to write. But if it's epic stuff you're looking for, maybe you'd like to check out my latest? hahaha i'd appreciate it

And no James, I'm not bugging you about it, I know you already promised to check it out haha

[OveriseFan]

I agree with what James said about short, simple stuff like this being fun to write. But if it's epic stuff you're looking for, maybe you'd like to check out my latest? hahaha i'd appreciate it

And no James, I'm not bugging you about it, I know you already promised to check it out haha

gtfo.