really need some feedback

[GREENatarisDAY]

i really have not a fucking clue if this is good, i wrote it really late at night and im not sure if i was thinking rihgt, anyway please tell me what ya think cuz i cant judge for myself


"Late Summer Sickness"
its 4 am
and my face is still lit up
but this time its
by the sound of your voice

im walking around just to
find something worth while
im waiting for something
worth waiting for
and its you that i think i found

so ill wash up and be more like him
and im a sucker for a hello
because thats just
why i think im falling for you

but i think theres a hole
in this plot line
because your not in it
guess even the brightest star
is sometimes late for her
rehearsal

and im driving around only to crash
and the last stop
is solitaire

[wewin]

its 4 am
and my face is still lit up
but this time its
by the sound of your voice why is it usually lit up?

im walking around just to
find something worth while
im waiting for something<------
worth waiting for<-------------these two lines are just crap.
i'm tired of the kind of wordplay that goes "i'm so sick of being tired and so tired of being sick." "i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." "the beginning of the end of the beginning..." all these circle phrases get old fast. they're so easy to write. they're so last year.

and its you that i think i found
another song about some girl that can make everything better?

so ill wash up and be more like him
because you can't be like yourself? what a personality defect, methinks.
and im a sucker for a hello
because thats just
why i think im falling for you
are you sure it's not 'cause she's hot? i'd believe that, but not "because you like people to say hello"

but i think theres a hole
in this plot line
not really. no hole. bad plot, but holeless.

because your not in it this is the part in emo song #4554698 where the guy realizes that his dreams can't be realized. he doesn't know why. he blames it on fate (it's really because he's a loser)

guess even the brightest star
is sometimes late for her
rehearsal what? um. yeah. that may be true, GREENatarisDAY, but why mention it? how does this apply? what are you trying to say?

and im driving around only to crash
and the last stop
is solitaire
solitaire like the card game that you play by yourself?

oh.

driving around only to crash.

i get it:

this is yet another "oh woe is me i'm up late thinking about a girl i want but then i realize i can't have her/but then i realize that she's not really that great and then i don't care anymore and fumble around with the idea of suicide" song.

what made you think you could get away with writing a song like this? it's poorly worded, it isn't catchy, it isn't clever or new or different or original or interesting, and you picked the most sucking of topics to write about.

this song is not very good, GREENatarisDAY.

if you couldn't judge that for yourself i wonder about the state of your mind...

[GREENatarisDAY]

no offense wewin but im not gonna consider your opinion because well....you find stuff wrong wiht everyone's song. Maybe thats a good thing i dunno but thanks anyway

[GREENatarisDAY]

Originally posted by wewin
its 4 am
and my face is still lit up
but this time its
by the sound of your voice why is it usually lit up?

im walking around just to
find something worth while
im waiting for something<------
worth waiting for<-------------these two lines are just crap.
i'm tired of the kind of wordplay that goes "i'm so sick of being tired and so tired of being sick." "i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." "the beginning of the end of the beginning..." all these circle phrases get old fast. they're so easy to write. they're so last year.

and its you that i think i found
another song about some girl that can make everything better?

so ill wash up and be more like him
because you can't be like yourself? what a personality defect, methinks.
and im a sucker for a hello
because thats just
why i think im falling for you
are you sure it's not 'cause she's hot? i'd believe that, but not "because you like people to say hello"

but i think theres a hole
in this plot line
not really. no hole. bad plot, but holeless.

because your not in it this is the part in emo song #4554698 where the guy realizes that his dreams can't be realized. he doesn't know why. he blames it on fate (it's really because he's a loser)

guess even the brightest star
is sometimes late for her
rehearsal what? um. yeah. that may be true, GREENatarisDAY, but why mention it? how does this apply? what are you trying to say?

and im driving around only to crash
and the last stop
is solitaire
solitaire like the card game that you play by yourself?

oh.

driving around only to crash.

i get it:

this is yet another "oh woe is me i'm up late thinking about a girl i want but then i realize i can't have her/but then i realize that she's not really that great and then i don't care anymore and fumble around with the idea of suicide" song.

what made you think you could get away with writing a song like this? it's poorly worded, it isn't catchy, it isn't clever or new or different or original or interesting, and you picked the most sucking of topics to write about.

this song is not very good, GREENatarisDAY.

if you couldn't judge that for yourself i wonder about the state of your mind...

to be honest i actually enjoy reading your criticism so please check out my song i posted earlier entitled "through the looking glass"

[xAlexisonfirex]

i used to get pisse at wewin.

but i don't like most o fthe shit i write now anyways.

i usually dont like it the day after iwrite it.

im done with the oh im dying for you, eve though i still write it...i dont like to.

it good to get chicks with, but i decided i want to start a indie/pop rock band...since screamo and emo is getting way too overdone.

an mtv2 type band, i'm just not good at writing htese lyrics yet. but i'm trying.

SCREAMO./EMO LYRICS ARE GOOD TO ONLY BE USED TO GET CHICKS WITH, OH IT WORKS LIKE A DATE RAPE DRUG, BUT THE STYLE IS ON ITS WAY OUT BORING AND OVERDONE SO EVERYBODY STOP. ITS OVER WITH.

[wewin]

cool that you realized that the stuff was overdone. don't pick a new trend to write in, make a new idea.

you can't stop it. if i couldn't stop it, how could you? you're like a walking endorsement for the stuff.

it IS good to get chicks with.

if you like pop, i suggest checking out this guy called Ted Leo. he and his band the Pharmacists (so they're ted leo and the pharmacists) have released (i think) two cds: the tyranny of distance and hearts of oak. i've only heard the latter and i really dig it, especially track 3 "i'm a ghost". the lyrics are intelligent, the songs are catchy, it's just really good stuff.

GREENatarisDAY, i dunno. it's tiring to read your stuff. especially when you never get that it's always the same.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

I thought Wewin's crtique nailed it perfect. Dude when you write songs dont just do it because your bored then post it. You should have a process to get the best out of your mind. Honestly those lyrics were very weak and they looked rushed. Im sure if you sat down for an hour or two a day for a week straight you'll get some good material.