Karma Sutra

[strobelife]

The light from the catwalk shines down on the scandal,
Revealing your confusion and all of your shyness.
But its okay because I've got confidence for two,
but more baggage than a cargo plane.
Spread the bay doors and empty your heart into the sky.
With an elegant landing I'm off the plane with a ferocious strut that lions dream of, and more rhythm than an Argintinian tango dancer.
I'll look at you and you'll fall in love.
But I'll look away just to break your heart.
Thats right, I'm a serial killer with a craving for heartbreak.
I hit the city with more lust than a nymphomaniac.
Thats right sweetie I'm the real thing.
I know you can see the passion in my eyes and you dont look away.
Your body language tells me that your place is nearby.
The intensity of eye contact blinded me from the outside world.
And the added liveliness in my strut led me into the hood of a taxi.

[Iamhome]

The light from the catwalk shines down on the scandal,
Revealing your confusion and all of your shyness.
But its okay because I've got confidence for two,
but more baggage than a cargo plane.
Spread the bay doors and empty your heart into the sky.
With an elegant landing I'm off the plane with a ferocious strut that lions dream of, and more rhythm than an Argintinian tango dancer.
I'll look at you and you'll fall in love.
But I'll look away just to break your heart.
Thats right, I'm a serial killer with a craving for heartbreak.
I hit the city with more lust than a nymphomaniac.
Thats right sweetie I'm the real thing.
I know you can see the passion in my eyes and you dont look away.
Your body language tells me that your place is nearby.
The intensity of eye contact blinded me from the outside world.
And the added liveliness in my strut led me into the hood of a taxi.

The Metaphors/similies are a little overwhelming for my taste. I think they are used best when they actually have something to do with the emotion you're capturing.

[wyverna]

I don't like the way you started two lines with "That's right". It didn't have enough variety. Also, I think the use of metaphors/imagery was definitely very overwhelming; it sort of covered the message you were trying to convey.

[CellarGhosts]

Hey man, long time no see hahaha. I'm guessing you remember me haha,...anyway onto my critique I thought it had its moments, and certain parts really stood out, butl ike the two above me said, the imagery did get pretty overwhelming, and sort of crowded out the actual meaning of the piece itself. With some work, this could be really good, just trim down some of the imagery and let it breathe a little more "naturally" if you know what I mean. Keepit up.

[strobelife]

Yeah I know what you guys mean and I do remember you CharlieKilo, lol. This is the first thing I've written since I was on here last and I know that its not the greatest thing, but I'm doing my best to get back into writing again.

[CellarGhosts]

Haha cool, man. This isn't a bad start, "back into writing again" or anything, but it is a little shaky. Although I love the last line for some reason haha.