A Gut Check For The Heart (Plz Read and Comment)

[takingthursday]

A Gut Check For The Heart

Embodied in the sleeves of my pride
When everyone stares to see how I can manage
A nod and a wink are an easy disguise for this clever lie

Barefoot I walk this gravel road
And in a winter coat I roam this mirage filled desert
On the white caps of the waves
A little piece of me awaits the hurricane

When I finally gather up enough of the lion
Please take it easy on me
For only a second will I be able to hold my breath
And you just might actually believe that this is me

Under the watchful eye of fluroscent light
Hope you can't see that I'm beginning to sweat
Don't hold yourself back...take your best shot
Just see how hollow I really am

You believe me to be empty and weak
But anyone can persuade themselves to believe
That they can fly and are invisible to the naked eye
How much longer 'til you see I've changed into something new?

Your hand sleeps on the side of my chest
And as I raise and release as the calm of the sea
With my grasp around your wrist
Now forever you'll be in my hold
So you can always feel what it's like to be what I awake and see

[wewin]

A Gut Check For The Heart the title makes no sense. your guts are intestines...an intestine check for the heart? what the FUCK were you thinking?

Embodied in the sleeves of my pride i like "the sleeves of my pride". like pride is clothing that you can within. good.
When everyone stares to see how I can manage
A nod and a wink are an easy disguise for this clever lie don't say "this clever lie." say "a clever lie." we haven't heard any lies yet, so it's dumb to say "this". "this" refers to something specific, something that we would know about. a lot of lyricists use "this" when they mean "a". "this" is more like "the" than "a". does it makes sense to say "the clever lie"? no.

Barefoot I walk this gravel road
And in a winter coat I roam this mirage filled desert again with the "this". why are you in a winter coat in a desert? the contrast is unnecessary and distracting. and weren't you just on a gravel road? what's going on?
On the white caps of the waves
A little piece of me awaits the hurricane

When I finally gather up enough of the lion
Please take it easy on me
For only a second will I be able to hold my breath
And you just might actually believe that this is me

Under the watchful eye of fluroscent light
Hope you can't see that I'm beginning to sweat
Don't hold yourself back...take your best shot
Just see how hollow I really am

You believe me to be empty and weak
But anyone can persuade themselves to believe
That they can fly and are invisible to the naked eye
How much longer 'til you see I've changed into something new?

Your hand sleeps on the side of my chest
And as I raise and release as the calm of the sea
With my grasp around your wrist
Now forever you'll be in my hold
So you can always feel what it's like to be what I awake and see

i don't get it. i'll try to critique it at a later date. it's tiring. another reason to not post so many songs: when you post one at a time, you can fix the mistakes of the previous song by not making them in the next song you write. when you post twelve at once, they have the same mistakes and it annoys all the serious critics because they have to point them out twelve times.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Yea very true. Post one song that you think is the median of all your songs then post that. This way you know some basic areas you can change and perfect on all your songs.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

I think his tittle may have ment like a body check kind of thing, either way it was wrong but if he ment it in a body check way it was atleast better then if he was checking guts for his heart.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Since wewin didn't finish I will my corrections willbe in all caps:

A Gut Check For The Heart - STUPID TITLE TITLES ARE IMPERATIVE YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE A GOOD ONE

Embodied in the sleeves of my pride
When everyone stares to see how I can manage
A nod and a wink are an easy disguise for this clever lie

Barefoot I walk this gravel road
And in a winter coat I roam this mirage filled desert
On the white caps of the waves
A little piece of me awaits the hurricane - OK YOU JUST WENT TO LIKE 4 DIFFERENT TYPES OF CLIMATES AND PLACES, HAVE A STEADY PLOT, UNLESS YOUR TELLNIG EVENTS WHICH YOU CLEARLY WEREN'T

When I finally gather up enough of the lion - WEAK ANALOGY FOR PRIDE, ITS JUST LIKE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SAY PRIDE, YET IF YOU DID SAY IT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY FINE BECAUSE YOUR STRONG OPENER CARRIED THAT LINE
Please take it easy on me - IF YOU HAVE PRIDE YOU WOULDN'T BE HURT EASILY ANY MORE
For only a second will I be able to hold my breath
And you just might actually believe that this is me - HOW DOES HOLDING A BREATH AND THINKING IT'S YOU COME INTO PLAY? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ITS YOU? YOU ARE YOU, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE ITS ME, NOT BELIEVE BECAUSE BELIEVE WOULD BE INSISTING THAT YOU ARE NOT REALLY YOU BUT YOU ARE SOEMTHING OR SOMEONE ELSE

Under the watchful eye of fluroscent light
Hope you can't see that I'm beginning to sweat
Don't hold yourself back...take your best shot
Just see how hollow I really am - THIS VERSE WAS JSUT 2 SENTANCES PUSHED TOGETHER, VERSES SHOULD CONNECT, THIS ONE LACKED ANY CONNECTION.

You believe me to be empty and weak
But anyone can persuade themselves to believe
That they can fly and are invisible to the naked eye - ARE YOU SAYING YOUR NOT EMPTY AND WEAK? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE THEN YOUR DISPROVING YOU BEING HOLLOW... AND IF YOU DONT MEAN THAT THEN ITS JUST A BAD VERSE AND IT DOENST FLOW ONCE AGAIN.
How much longer 'til you see I've changed into something new?

Your hand sleeps on the side of my chest
And as I raise and release as the calm of the sea - RAISE AND RELEASE YOUR CHEST? IF SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE AN ANALOGY THAT SOUNDED BAD FOR IT... IF IT WASN'T AN ANALOGY IT WAS JSUT STUPID.
With my grasp around your wrist
Now forever you'll be in my hold
So you can always feel what it's like to be what I awake and see - THIS SENTANCE DOESNT MAKE SENSE BUT I AM GUESSING YOU TYPED IT WRONG.xxx qwerrtyuiopasdghjklzxcvbnm