Closing Credits In Her Movie

[takingthursday]

Closing Credits In Her Movie

When the lights dim and she leans over
Whispers flow to my ear like water in the sea
Her words salty and bitter
Leave me gasping and spitting back
To rid myself of the slimey taste

In her mind she is the scene
Everyone sits with elbows on their knees
And chins resting in their palms
Sitting forward in awe

An epic to show how she's such a queen
Maybe a royal pain
She takes my hands from off my eyes
And tells me "You won't wanna miss (this)"

Exhausted from being shown how to live
"I am the scene" she says
"Take it from me"

Eyes like marbles on a hardwood floor
Deep breaths suggesting lack of oxygen
One more complaint is gonna lead me to binge

A supporting role easily replaced
In her trilogy of importance
I'm so easily reminded
With the snap of a finger I'm gone

Turn up the lights on me....
Turn up the lights on me....
Turn up the lights on me....
Turn up the lights on me....
and I'll be gone

[MaybeOneDay]

its a little odd, but i like it. good job.

by the way, the title is awesome. again, good work.

[wewin]

your words in normal text, mine in bold. i'm gonna dissect your song, here we go.

Closing Credits In Her Movie

When the lights dim and she leans over
Whispers flow to my ear like water in the sea
Her words salty and bitter
Leave me gasping and spitting back
To rid myself of the slimey taste this stanza doesn't do much for me. nothing original, no clever expressions. no wordplay. uninteresting. it is, however, good at conveying what you're saying...it's just that it could be much much better.

In her mind she is the scene what does that mean? she thinks she's "all that"?
Everyone sits with elbows on their knees
And chins resting in their palms
Sitting forward in awe again, this stanza is just like the first. boring and uninspired, but conveys meaning well.

An epic to show how she's such a queen
Maybe a royal pain wow. i've heard this before. it's like a saves the day song. not a very adept play on words, here.
She takes my hands from off my eyes
And tells me "You won't wanna miss (this)" um. why the parantheses? "from off my eyes" is terrible grammar. it's awkward. this whole stanza is awkward. [/]

Exhausted from being shown how to live
"I am the scene" she says
"Take it from me" [B] so she's telling you how cool she is?

Eyes like marbles on a hardwood floor when i first read this song, this was the only thing that stuck out to me. hard eyes and a hard face, right? suggestion: don't say "hardwood" floor, say "wooden". marbles are hard, wood is hard, don't say hardwood. redundant. i think wooden sounds more lifeless and unforgiving, which seems to be what you're trying to convey. good idea.
Deep breaths suggesting lack of oxygen this is as bad as the previous phrase was good. it's just terrible. it's literal, it's obvious, it's like you're smacking me in the face. this is rough and terribly unclever.
One more complaint is gonna lead me to binge

A supporting role easily replaced
In her trilogy of importance why a trilogy?
I'm so easily reminded
With the snap of a finger I'm gone

Turn up the lights on me....
Turn up the lights on me....
Turn up the lights on me....
Turn up the lights on me....
and I'll be gone

for all the words you use, this song is still about just not liking a girl that's full of herself. hardly a new topic. you are good at telling an easily understandable story; however, the story isn't being told in a very interesting way. the language you use doesn't make use of metaphors or wordplay or any sort of clever, smart writing. i don't like this song very much. the only part that struck me as interesting was the "marbles on a hardwood floor line".