Predestined Traggic Script

[DaneTheTrain]

Let me know what you think of this one, if your lucky I may send you an mp3 of me playing it :p Its called "The Predestined Traggic Script". Ive got quite a few more if you like this one and let me know.

Day in and day out
I walked right by your smiling eye
And never once said hi
What was I thinking, what did I miss
Other than your kiss
A year of memories a year of fun?
Well we’ll never no, ya well never see
What was in store for you and me

Everyday the words were
So elusive to me
Locked inside that beating cell
Pounding to break free
Prisoners of fear and pain
And the coward that is me
Now that I know you felt the same
I own nothing than grief and shame

Why did we meet, and why must I go
Why did we wait so long to say hello
Finally we meet, and finally it seems
Ive found the person of my dreams
Now were together, no longer alone
Its this thought that chills me to the bone
This story were writing, were one chapter in
Is ending and these pages bound so thin

The night we met we partied long
Till the break of dawn
Laughing and screaming, as we laid there on that lawn
We came the authors of such a tragic play
Authors of a script that was written in a day
With that first night, came that first kiss
And the first pages found in our book bliss
But from the start we knew the end
And the way it had be
After all it was our one and only guarantee

The next month just came and went
Fading softly with your scent
We savored every drop time
Like a fine aged and fermented wine
The weeks they did begin to pass
Tightening our vice and quaking our hour glass
We tried to run, we tried to get away
Our spot on that hill, couldn’t save us from that day
That terrible and dreaded day
When I had to say, there is just no way
No way to continue, no way to carry on
You see Ive have done this before
And promised myself this one thing
Never again, no, never again

Why did we meet, and why must I go
Why did we wait so long to say hello
Finally we meet, and finally it seems
Ive found the person of my dreams
Now were together, no longer alone
Its this thought that chills me to the bone
This story were writing, were one chapter in
Is ending and these pages bound so thin

Well our tragic script has finally come to this
Its hit the press and been published
And now you are so far away
But Holly please don’t worry
Ill be home some day

Why did we meet, and why must I go
Why did we wait so long to say hello
Finally we meet, and finally it seems
Ive found the person of my dreams
Now were together, no longer alone
Its this thought that chills me to the bone
This story were writing, were one chapter in
Is ending and these pages bound so thin

[DaneTheTrain]

Hey i see some people came in and read this and voted as to whether or not they liked it, please reply and let me know what you liked, what you didnt like, and what i might be able to do to improve.

[MaybeOneDay]

i like it alot. no real comments just that i liked what i read.

[DaneTheTrain]

thanks

[proeuthanasia]

i like it too. it's a song comprised of emotion interwoven with originality. great job. if other lyrics of yours are written in the same vein as this one, i would like to read them. keep posting.

[DaneTheTrain]

Hey thanks man I really apreciate that, especially coming from a veteran poster, I've got plenty more stuff, and I'm always writing, Ill be sure to let you know when I post something else.

[proeuthanasia]

great.

[wewin]

i voted for the mean option, against your song. however, i'd have put it a little more nicely. here's my critque.

"The Predestined Traggic Script" by you
this title is bad. tragic only has one "g", and it's a weak word. i mean, if you TELL me that it's tragic as a piece of info instead of SHOWing me that it's tragic with some actual emotion, then it's bad writing.[/B]

Day in and day out
I walked right by your smiling eye
And never once said hi
What was I thinking, what did I miss
Other than your kiss
A year of memories a year of fun?
Well we’ll never no, ya well never see
What was in store for you and me

okay, you've already chosen a bankrupt subject matter, so that's a strike against your song. however, that's not the only thing that makes a song: there's also like style and how well you phrase stuff and all that jazz. you don't have a unique voice or style and your phrasings are as bankrupt as your subject. boring and unoriginal.

Everyday the words were
So elusive to me
Locked inside that beating cell
Pounding to break free
Prisoners of fear and pain
And the coward that is me
Now that I know you felt the same
I own nothingmore? than grief and shame
missing word in the last line, see? same problems as the first verse.

Why did we meet, and why must I go
Why did we wait so long to say hello
Finally we meet, and finally it seems
Ive found the person of my dreams
Now were together, no longer alone
Its this thought that chills me to the bone
This story were writing, were one chapter in
Is ending and these pages bound so thin
are you one of those sad people that believesin fate? you used the dumb "story of you and me" idea, and it suxorz.

The night we met we partied long
Till the break of dawn
Laughing and screaming, as we laid there on that lawn
We came the authors of such a tragic play
Authors of a script that was written in a day
With that first night, came that first kiss
And the first pages found in our book bliss
But from the start we knew the end
And the way it had be
After all it was our one and only guarantee
in the previous stanza you'd said that it took " a long time to say hello." in this stanza you say that you just met and kissed on the first night. so which is it? your story is inconsistent and i am now confused.

The next month just came and went
Fading softly with your scent
We savored every drop time
Like a fine aged and fermented wine
The weeks they did begin to pass
Tightening our vice and quaking our hour glass
We tried to run, we tried to get away
Our spot on that hill, couldn’t save us from that day
That terrible and dreaded day
When I had to say, there is just no way
No way to continue, no way to carry on
You see Ive have done this before
And promised myself this one thing
Never again, no, never again

[vertical horizon] 'cause you're a god, and i am not, and i just thought i'd let you go[/vertical horizon]
this song is long and boring. and i mean it just isn't exciting or engaging and it is bereft of any emotional charge.

Well our tragic script has finally come to this
Its hit the press and been published
And now you are so far away
But Holly please don’t worry
Ill be home some day
yeah. i don't like your song because it is:
-without emotion
-without detail
-without clever wordplay
-without hooks or any interesting parts
-it is an overdone subject depicted in an overdone style.

the end

[lifelesslove]

i don't enjoy this... i have a question, is this one of your first pieces of writing...or no? ummm....first off, in the vein of a pop-punk song, i'm wondering if it's a little bit long, and it gets a little bit repetive....and also, i think that rhyme scheme is horse shit, i hated writing like that when i was younger, trying to find a word to rhyme with "hi"...once in a while, i would be able to understand or feed off a line or too, maybe get a little emotion, but rhyming seems to stall the thought process, it really gets rid of the thought, trying to find something to put in, it doesn't show what you really want to say....i think you have potential, i enjoy the song title, of how i take it, that something is going to go bad...from the start, no matter how hard you try.it's not bad, just needs some tuning.

[DaneTheTrain]

thanx lifelesslove, i really appreciate the comments. And to answer you question ya it is on of my first pieces of writing. I dont always ryhme when I write. Here i just happened to. But I will agree with you, sometimes ryhming does slow down the thought process and makes it harder to get across what your trying to say. I'm sorry you didnt enjoy it. But the criticism you gave I will definetly remember in my future writings. I hope you enjoy them a little more. Ill put up one of my other ones soon, it doesnt ryhme, I think youll like it better. Thanks again man.

[DaneTheTrain]

Wewin, thanks for ripping my song a new asshole man. I'm not quite sure what to tell you other than I'll try and keep in mind what you said. Although there are one or two things I just dont quite agree with you with, but hey, everyone out there has thier own opinion. Whats awesome to one person sucks to another you know. Anyways, I think its about time i tell you what the whole songs about anyways. Well everyday, as the song says, I walked by this girl on the way to class, shed always open the door for me b/c it was locked. Wed say hi and that was it. Never had time for anything else. Well it went on all year. Until gradnight. When we finally met and got to hang out. We got to talking and both were infatuated with eachother all year. So once again as the song says, we partied all night, and at the end of the night had our first kiss. But this is where the title comes into play. "The predestined traGic script". Because that first night we hung out i told her about how i was leaving to college for summer school in 2 weeks. "So from the start we knew the end, and the way it had to be, after all, it was our one and only gaurentee". As much as we wanted to stay together, there just wasnt a chance. So for the next two weeks "we savored every drop of time, like a fine aged and fermented wine." So if youve got anymore comments ide like to here them. Thanks guys.

[lifelesslove]

dane, thank you for not being an arrogant, or pompous asshole about me giving you a few pointers. As you go through the boards, you are going to see people who won't even listen to suggestions. if this is one of your first pieces of writing, i think you could write really well, this isn't bad for a beginning work. You really have some talented lines in their, and i enjoy the title, maybe, one day you could put up some mp3s....also if this is one of your first pieces, work with a structure, to begin, use structure...like cut it down to verses and choruses, as you grow, it'll become a lot more of just a flow, an experiment, thanks for listening to me...good job.

[Geoff]

I liked it, a little bit long for my taste but it was fine to me.

[BuriedAlive]

it was ok, i dont like long songs. which is why its not as good. i think if you shorten it and add the most high quality work from the whole song then it would be a very good song. it is well written but i didnt really like it because it was long (ya thats not a good reason not to like it but its my reason).

[DaneTheTrain]

Hey man I appreciate that, If the only reason you didnt like it was because it was long thats no big deal, it is. But its somewhat up tempo, in the end it ends up being like 3 minutes 45 seconds. With only around 20 to 30 seconds with out singing. Thats just my taste, I love really lyrical songs that you can dig into and come back over and over again and get something out of it each time.

[xxMichaelxx]

for your first song, that fuckin rocked dude, my only qualms with it are whats already been said, the length, and you need to somehow tie all of the verses together, but im an am too dude, and i fuckin give it props.

[DaneTheTrain]

No dude, YOU FUCKIN ROCK! Thx alot for the compliments. I think the song is a little decieving. It looks longer than it is. I wrote out the chorus each time, making it look like twice as long as it really is.