Memories left on the sand

[missmatilde]

I really enjoyed writing this, what do you guys think? Thanks in advance for reading!:-)

[CellarGhosts]

Hmmm...

IMO, this was kind of a step down from the past few pieces Ive read by you, but its still good. I really liked the bit about "memories left on the sand, reached easily by waves...", etc.

Good job.

[missmatilde]

thanks for reading&comment chris... I know this wasn't that deep, still experimenting...
I love those line too, it's pretty much what made the song worth writing! ;-)
btw, is that something that I could do to makes ths better? any really weak/boring/overheard line u think I should work on?
thanks again :-)

[CellarGhosts]

Actually, the first part of the chorus (get a rope, etc) could use some work.
Hmm...not sure what else, right now. Ill try to give a better critique later on.

[missmatilde]

thanks...!!! I'll try to work on it 2morrow ;-)

[missmatilde]

what about this as a new chorus?


I'd still love to keep the end as it is tho...

tell me what u think ;-)... thanx 4 reading! :-)

[CellarGhosts]

what about this as a new chorus?

"Find a dot to keep in your sight,
Or you are gonna fall.
move away from what's too bright,
And no one will keep you warm.
Everyone forget fast,
Balance just that won’t last:
Memories left on the sand,
Reached easily by the waves."

I'd still love to keep the end as it is tho...

tell me what u think ;-)... thanx 4 reading! :-)

Memories left on the sand,
Reached easily by the waves.
But maybe with some luck,
You could write a change.

That part of the chorus is good, so keep it.
But the new first half you wrote, it's better, but instead of "dot", I'd use "target" or "bullseye" or something like that.

[missmatilde]

edited, and yea, target is mych better, btw... I was trying to write something, but it sucks :(
thanks so much Chris, I owe u so much for all the help u always give me ;-)

[CellarGhosts]

Haha, no problem.

And haha, you don't owe me anything. I just try to help out, hahaha. But it's cool you appreciate my input so much.