the myth of vain

[missmatilde]

first, I'm so not a drug addict, but... i found out somebody I know, found himself into this spiral, and.. I just could not understand... that's why the subject... I hope this wont hurt anybody, but if you think this shouldn't be on this board tell me and I'll take it down...
thanks in advance for reading, feel free to get rough with comments...





----btw--- my last 2 pieces didnt get any feed, so if you have time to look back at those I'd love to know what you think, cause... judging my own pieces, I'm not too good at..;-)

[lew_1987]

pretty good. i like the chorus, and the title too. good job!

[missmatilde]

thanks so much Lew!!! :-).. anything that could use improvement?

[lew_1987]

the only thing i can think of really are spelling/grammar mistakes.

[Deathfire578]

I like it, there's just something about it that doesn't fit with the rest of the song. Kinda like it contradicts itself a bit. i could be wrong. I often do it myself. I don't know. But awsome Chorus, i agree with him, and I like the title. I like the 3rd Verse the best though. Keep em coming.

[missmatilde]

thanks again lew.. I spellchecked it, but I probably missed some... could you please point my spelling\grammar horrors out for me? ;-) (this dumb italians) the only thing reading it now I'm not sure about is if I shoul use 'hold of us', or 'hold on us'... I'll be so grateful if you do that, my english is cool only for much simplier things than writing with a clue... ;-)
deathfire, thanx so much for your comment (sorry, I don't know your name)... but... I didn't get which part you were refferring to...love to thought :-)
thanks you guys... what do Chris and JR think? I missed your comments :-)

[as_we_learn]

This piece was good. Your metaphors are getting better. The piece is lacking your usual great flows tht I love so much. Still good though Matilde nice job.

[missmatilde]

thanks JR, I am truying to work on that sides, about the flow, I'v no control, it either comes by itself, or just not... maybe I'll figure that out sometimes ;-)
thanks again for reading, commenting this :-)

[xsxarexsoxscene]

"A attitude I share toward life." should be AN attitude.

hmmm i like the SUBJECT and i like the play on words with vain and veins but i don't know, it just doesn't do much for me. not bad though.

[lalalalovely]

i really liked it, my favorite part was the first stanza. the third stanza seems a bit akward rhyme scheme wise after the first two, the pattern you were using kind of switches. but overall i found it very enjoyable!

[lew_1987]

quote removed :-)

1. an
2. either gotten hold of us or gotten a hold of us
3. 'em
4. to blame stress
5. had
6. not sure what u were trying to say here it doesnt really make much sense...

sorry for my late reply, i've been snowed under with university work. (hence why i'm posting this at 4:20 am local time... i'm still doing work thats in for tomorrow)

[missmatilde]

Thanks so much lew, i think I fixed all those now.. I feel so sorry for the amount of school work you have.. ;-) thanx again for taking the time to such a detailed look :-) love ya..

btw, now that I edited back the original post, would you mind deleting the big song-quote from your post? I know, I'm weird :-)