First Offense:Fist Fights

[as_we_learn]

The title is a temp because I couldn't think of something else unless you guys like it haha. This one I've been playing around with. Trying to make a double singer song is kinda hard. Well I tried so tell me what I need to do to improve.
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Blackouts on covered eyes
will signify that fingers are tantalized.(You should've bowed out when you had the chance.)
Worn and scarred from collisions
to the brick wall behind the schoolyard.(Hurry up because the late bell's rung.)

Tap the windows with pebbles.(C'mon out)
Call out the kid that always folds
behind locked doors and classy clothes.(No point we'll get you soon)
So let it be known on this granite
that your candle will soon burn out
and you'll be dragged out for a match or two.(While we're here offering)

Infidels in bathroom stalls.
Rocking back and forth on cracked walls.(Should've put the rubber band on the door knob)
Denial is not something I want in my ears.
I'd rather hear collateral damage from my peers. (I guess I'd just prefer that shit.)

Tap the windows with pebbles.(C'mon out)
Call out the kid that always folds
behind locked doors and classy clothes.(No point we'll get you soon)
So let it be known on this granite
that your candle will soon burn out
and you'll be dragged out for a match or two.(While we're here offering)

Here's your courtroom case. (So read up on it.)
Because you got a slim chance of being proven innocent.
With all those moans and groans being echoed.
Might as well take the beating.(Unless you think I'm jinxed to my breaking point.)
Man you saw this heading your way
and you knew fist fights are first offenses.(Guilty as charged.)
Time to collide in a paradox feud.

[XxIronistxX]

I'm not sure about this one. (I'm in school right now, meaning i'm bored out of my mind and sleepy..) I like the lyrics more on their own than together if that makes any sense. I also like the story behind it. Its just a little akward to read. 2 singer songs are difficult to write, but over all you did pretty well.

-Amber

[as_we_learn]

Thanks Amber I think you mean the lines on the lines right? If that makes any sense. Yeah I 'll try and tweak it a liitle to make it better. Thanks again Amber.

[missmatilde]

I like this! the only thing is that the second part is cool on its own but cant really judge cause it does much depend on how it fits with the music and the rest, so... read is cool, heard would prob be even cooler! :-)

[as_we_learn]

Thanks Matilde, but I don't really know what you mean by second part. Thanks for reaind man it means alot

[xsxarexsoxscene]

I loved it, especially the third stanza. not much constructive criticism, sorry.

[as_we_learn]

Thanks I'm glad you loved it. I haven't seen you around these parts in a while/

[xsxarexsoxscene]

Thanks I'm glad you loved it. I haven't seen you around these parts in a while/
you are welcome :)
haha i'm not a very prolific writer. i'll try to be around for more evaluations though :)

[as_we_learn]

you are welcome :)
haha i'm not a very prolific writer. i'll try to be around for more evaluations though :)
Cool cool. Well I can't wait to see more of you around here.

[xsxarexsoxscene]

Cool cool. Well I can't wait to see more of you around here.
haha i'm horrible, but maybe could you give me some criticism on the piece I just posted? It's not very good, but it's entitled The One That Got Away was I

[as_we_learn]

Yeah no prob man. I'll gladly check it out.:-)

[as_we_learn]

Bump All Your Friends

[missmatilde]

jr, I meant second singer.. ;-)

[CellarGhosts]

Bump All Your Friends
Wow, that sounded somewhat provocative hahaha

But anyway, I really liked this one. Good job, overall.

Can't think of much constructive criticism right now...

[as_we_learn]

Thanks man. Glad you liked it.



Matilde I see what what you're saying thanks.