Inhale/Exhale Lets Start From The Beginning (both versions

[Kyrsta]

WHY IS THIS BOLD???


So I wrote this a while ago and got some feedback so here are both versions. Any good?

Version 1


"Stop smoking," lungs scream.
But the only thing that's listening is a strained cough.
It brings more noise than needed and you're killing for an aspirin bottle,
Just so you know, its empty.
Sometimes I wish life had a default button,
So I wouldn't be the only one who feels this way.
Now its burning up in my chest because you're still around.
Something in me is being told to walk away,
But what would you think of me then?
Closed eyes and wide minds can think it,
They can admit to the truth better than lips,
Cuz' just because you can't see it,
Doesn't mean it isn't there.
Just so you know, its not.


Version 2
"Stop smoking," lungs scream.
But the only thing that listens is a nicotine stained
It brings more noise than needed and you're dying for an aspirin bottle,
Just so you know, its empty.
Sometimes I wish life had a default button,
So I wouldn't be the only one who feels this way.
Now its burning up in my chest because you're still around.
I let us go to far, and I'm the one left behind.
Something in me is being told to walk away,
But what would you think of me then?
Closed eyes and wide minds can think it,
They can admit to the truth better than lips,
Just because you can't see it,
Doesn't mean it isn't there.
Just so you know, its not.


Did it improve any?

[xsxarexsoxscene]

"But the only thing that listens is a nicotine stained"

a nicotine stained... what? pickle? nailpolish bottle??

"I let us go to far, and I'm the one left behind."

to should be 'too'

-better. punctuation needs a lot of work. you can't just throw a comma in at the end of random sentences if they don't flow into the next line.

[Kyrsta]

"But the only thing that listens is a nicotine stained"

a nicotine stained... what? pickle? nailpolish bottle??

"I let us go to far, and I'm the one left behind."

to should be 'too'

-better. punctuation needs a lot of work. you can't just throw a comma in at the end of random sentences if they don't flow into the next line.


thanks, sorry It was supposed to say "lung" at the end of stainded.

:D