new song..

[BuriedAlive]

first off i wanna thank you guys wewin, isuckyourblood, and jess. you guys were right and im posting what i think is my good stuff. it is like my older stuff. i dont have a title. and i havent really worked on it.

take this for what its worth, this one last smile
help this burden, please save me
i say i love you, it means nothing
holding hand is worthless, powerless
i have nothing to hold on to now, even the stars left me
this pain is what makes you ugly
walking around in my head, raining, drowning
remember me for all the times you ruined me,
leaving myself wondering why
i ripped my vocal chords, can not say your name
my eyes spell out every word, i love you
leave me the color of coal, my heart has turned black
as the empty bottle falls to the floor, knowing its useless
i write you in my own hell, foot stuck to the pedal
you cant stop the outcome, paint me red
your painting will be left unfinished, broken
i scream i love you, as i free fall to the ocean
the ocean becomes painted red, its over

[ISuckYoungBlood]

I have a great title for that song, How bout.... "A Static Lullaby"... just a suggestion.

[BuriedAlive]

they were my main influence yes, but i just wrote the skeleton. im looking for you guys to tell me if its weak. i have been listening to them alot. you want a cookie or something? ya you can tell where i showed my influence. but i just did that so i could think of something better to put there. ya im kind of confusing. whenever i get my message across i do go back and fix it. take away where you can tell i showed my influences and it ends up pretty good. but i was looking to find out how bad the song is so i know how hard to work on it.

[BuriedAlive]

ok i fixed it up some

this one last smile, left for you
help this burden, please save me
i say i love you, it means nothing
holding you, useless, you let me go, watched me fall
i have nothing to hold on to now, even the stars left me
this pain is what makes you ugly
walking around in my head, raining, drowning
i ripped my vocal chords, your name erased from my lips
my eyes give it away, spells out your name
leave me the color of coal, my heart has turned black
as the empty bottle falls to the floor, knowing its useless
i write your name, locked in my own hell, foot stuck to the pedal
you cant stop the outcome, painting me red
your painting will be left unfinished, falling apart, broken
i scream i love you, as i free fall to the ocean
the ocean becomes painted red, its over

[proeuthanasia]

although i've seen static live, i never listen to them, so i didn't catch the influences in the first piece you posted. but nonetheless, the second version is better. for some reason, 'you can't stop the outcome, painting me red' sticks out in my mind. i like that line. good job. :)

[BuriedAlive]

thanks jess.

[Rufio217]

Originally posted by ISuckYoungBlood
I have a great title for that song, How bout.... "A Static Lullaby"... just a suggestion.


ha ha ha , that was pretty damn funny

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Dude, are you serious? I thought you were kidding when you posted that to just show that you don't care about people calling your songs cliche and stuff. Man thats like a replica of many A Static Lullaby songs put together. No offense but like I really thought you just took lines from a lot of their songs.

[wewin]

this one last smile, left for you
help this burden, please save me
i say i love you, it means nothing
holding you, useless, you let me go, watched me fall
i have nothing to hold on to now, even the stars left me
this pain is what makes you ugly
walking around in my head, raining, drowning
i ripped my vocal chords, your name erased from my lips
my eyes give it away, spells out your name
leave me the color of coal, my heart has turned black
as the empty bottle falls to the floor, knowing its useless
i write your name, locked in my own hell, foot stuck to the pedal
you cant stop the outcome, painting me red
your painting will be left unfinished, falling apart, broken
i scream i love you, as i free fall to the ocean
the ocean becomes painted red, its over

stop using: painting, red, pain, ripped, your name, falling, useless, scream, i love you, this one last _______,j stars, ugly, drowning, raining, hell, ocean, empty bottle, color of coal, black, heart,outcome

if i say the same thing every time it's because you write the same thing everytime.

[BuriedAlive]

wewin, this is where to me your opinion doesnt count. i love your opinions but im not changing the way i write for you.

also, isuckyourblood i was serious, i do not see anything that sticks out that sounds like a static lullaby now.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
ok i fixed it up some

this one last smile, left for you

help this burden, please save me

i say i love you, it means nothing

holding you, useless, you let me go, watched me fall - ON THE BEACH I REMIND MYSELF HOW HOLDING HANDS IS SO POWERLESS

i have nothing to hold on to now, even the stars left me - TONIGHT I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE STARS TO HOLD ONTO.

this pain is what makes you ugly - HELP ME END WHAT MAKES YOU UGLY

walking around in my head, raining, drowning - I JUST WANT TO GET YOUR VOICE OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD

i ripped my vocal chords, your name erased from my lips

my eyes give it away, spells out your name - THE WALL THAT MUST HAVE SPELT YOUR NAME

leave me the color of coal, my heart has turned black - LEAVE ME BLACK AND SAVE YOURSELF

as the empty bottle falls to the floor, knowing its useless - TO FEEL THE WARMTH IN THIS BOTTLE IS USELESS

i write your name, locked in my own hell, foot stuck to the pedal - I WRITE TO YOU FROM HELL MY SONG LEAVING THE FOOT AGAINST THE GAS AND THE WALL THAT MUST HAVE SAID YOUR NAME.

you cant stop the outcome, painting me red - PAINT THIS RED

your painting will be left unfinished, falling apart, broken - PAINT THIS RED

i scream i love you, as i free fall to the ocean

the ocean becomes painted red, its over - PAINT THIS RED



There are more lines that are similar but the similarities are to broad so I don't wanna put them.

[Rufio217]

wow dude, yeah that is kinda way to similar, or almost exactly the same....

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Yup and then he gets mad because all he gets is just people calling his music a cliche.

[BuriedAlive]

dude most of the ones arent even close to what i wrote or what they are like. youre a fucking idiot. maybe 1 line that was anywhere near what you put down as it being taken from. your good at telling people that their songs arent good considering yours arent anything special. also, your opinion to me seriously means nothing. you guys say youre trying to help me. well i dont need your help. i just like posting to pretty much help other people. my stuff isnt perfect but im happy with what i write. obviously you guys arent. but i really do not give a shit now.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Originally posted by BuriedAlive
dude most of the ones arent even close to what i wrote or what they are like. youre a fucking idiot. maybe 1 line that was anywhere near what you put down as it being taken from. your good at telling people that their songs arent good considering yours arent anything special. also, your opinion to me seriously means nothing. you guys say youre trying to help me. well i dont need your help. i just like posting to pretty much help other people. my stuff isnt perfect but im happy with what i write. obviously you guys arent. but i really do not give a shit now.

First of all most of those lines are so close to what you wrote but your to nieve to realize, not my fault. Secondly I never said my songs were amazing and considering I only posted one you shouldn't really judge me yet. Third of all our opinions obviously mean something to you if your getting so personal and defensive. Lastly this was probably your worst peice of writing considering it was just a duplicate of A Static Lullaby and I never said I don't like what you write. Once again you are just mis-understanding my point when I show you mistakes and shit.

[aaronsucks]

i dont do a lot of listening to asl, but a friend of mine loves them, and when i showed them, they almost entirely pointed out all the lines before she read what isuckyoungblood put. if two people are telling you its a duplicate of asl... then there is something obvious in the writing.

[ISuckYoungBlood]

No use in saying that, even though it was helpful. He knows it was a duplicate, he's just denieing it because he will probably feel shame in admitting he was wrong and that it was barely even his work.