The Assembly Of Man (Dissection of Reality)

[hailthewarrior]

In honor of my thousandth post, I wanted to post something I had written to see what people think of my lyrical/poetry skills. I don't think this is my best, but it's something I wrote yesterday that I'm pretty proud of. It's a social commentary type piece, with a few hidden things, but, yeah. Please leave me constructive criticism or whatever. Thanks!

~*~*~*~

The grains of sand swept away
By the currents of water out in the bay
Under the ocean and around the globe
It’s a bit how I feel searching for home
The weight of the world in a crowded room
Dust bunnies captured by the straw on the broom
I wish I didn’t have this knot in my shoulders
But my friends stone me with all of their boulders

Should I run away, should I break down?
Fleet like a ghost through a sleeping town
Awake to find the same ol’ shit
Back in school they never taught us this

The last spark of a dying fire
It draws me oh such higher
Until I’m one with the stars
Buried alive by the secrets of Mars
Gun shots ring out while I sleep
Didn’t know, didn’t disturb my peace
Grey muted dust coats my hand
The earth’s become a crimson land

I want to run away, no time to break down
Fighting with the demons that haunt this town
Rumors and whispers and political lies
Back in school we never opened our eyes

Didn’t know what makes a man
Till I had to make a stand
The bombs blew up my hopes and dreams
Fighting phantoms like Constantine
I screamed the truth until it hurt
But the abundance of lies outweighed it’s worth
Welcome to the realm of men
Ready to fall, ready to cave in

I don’t want to run away
It’s the perfect time for a breakdown
There’s no need to hide
Every man’s a devil in this town
This is a knife
Headed straight for your heart
This makes our lives
A work of art

~*~*~*~

Thanks again!

[as_we_learn]

This is pretty cool man. The flow it has is great imo. The last for lines were really cliche and I didn't care for it. Good job though

[hailthewarrior]

Yeah. The last four lines aren't my favorite, but it felt weird to end it on "...this town."

Thanks for reading.

[missmatilde]

" I want to run away, no time to break down
Fighting with the demons that haunt this town
Rumors and whispers and political lies
Back in school we never opened our eyes"
the chorus is really good, and all of it actually... but I agree with JR

[hailthewarrior]

thanks. yeah. do y'all have suggestions to fix those four lines? i definitely consider them weaker, just wasnt sure what else to put.

thanks again for reading.

[XxIronistxX]

I really like the line, "Every man's a devil in this town." The whole thing was pretty good.

[hailthewarrior]

Thanks for reading. I really enjoyed that line and how it flowed into the piece.

[a speedo model]

This does have a good flow and is pretty well written. The rhyming was felt a bit forced at times, but nothing major. Nice work.

[CellarGhosts]

I quite liked this. It had great flow, and I actually liked the last four lines haha, even though other people didn't seem to. This was cool, and for some reason the line "every man's a devil in this town" reminded me of something Tom Waits might write haha. (If you haven't heard his music, trust me, saying so is pretty much a huge compliment haha)Keep up the good work.

My only complaint is:

The bombs blew up my hopes and dreams
Fighting phantoms like Constantine

I don't like those two lines at all haha. Sorry, but they just sound so forced and awkward. You could keep the first one, albeit change it around, maybe re-word it or something.

[hailthewarrior]

Man, thanks. Haven't listened to Tom Waits (impossible to not hear of him on this site), but thanks for the compliment.

Yeah. Those lines fit in my head when I wrote it, but I can see them not fitting so well now. Thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again.

[CellarGhosts]

Sure thing, man. Again, this was really cool overall, it just kinda ginks up there in the middle with those two lines I mentioned...they just...I dunno, they do mess up the flow. If you re-write them, this peace would be able to "breathe" alot easier, if you know what I mean haha.

And yes, I highly reccomend you check yourself some Tom Waits haha. Any and all songs would work, if you're thinking of downloading some stuff.

[xsxarexsoxscene]

the flow was very good, i liked the content.

However, i agree that some rhyming was forced, and there were grammar errors galore. sorry, i'm a grammar nazi haha.

for example:
The last spark of a dying fire
It draws me oh such higher


makes no sense whatsoever.

also, im not sure if you can do it your way or not, but:

Didn’t know what makes a man
Till I had to make a stand

i just think this would sound better if 'makes' was 'made' because the rest of this part is in past tense.

One last thing:

This makes our lives
A work of art

'our lives' is plural, so it must be 'workS of art'.

Hope that's helpful :)

[hailthewarrior]

haha. grammar nazis are my friends when i write.

not sure why i put in "oh such higher"... haha.

that's very helpful, most of it.