Melodies

[Period Piece]

I would really appreciate some feedback on what's here. Any comments/suggestions for improvments are more than welcome! :) Thank you for reading!

Melodies

Your melodies are remedies to push the truth away;
You take a line and twist a rhyme to make it speak your way.
You’re sprinkling senseless syntax, flaxen strands of black,
But the motion of your notion, keeps the words held back:
Subtle concepts elude your grasp;
Pretty moments you can’t clasp;
Your words are saying nothing; they’re empty; far away…

You… May…
Infuse your muse with scarlet hues,
Lay it down to some funky blues,
But I can’t pretend that it gives me wings,
To get away from you.

Your truths told with bad intent, beat all the lies you can invent…
You dance words onto the page, spin them with rage, then you relent;
For you know that they’re lies, the things you despise,
But still they go down, floating around, ‘til onto the sheaf they reside;
Cracking lines in chequered rows,
Discontented overthrows,
Your words are saying nothing; they’re empty; far away…

You… Say…
Infuse your muse with scarlet hues,
Lay it down to some funky blues,
But I can’t pretend that it gives me wings,
To get away from you.

Your songs tell lies, you can’t deny;
Your voice is cracked, no going back;
It’s no surprise that I won’t fly;
On empty words, you’re broken…

You… can’t… say…
Infuse your muse with scarlet hues,
Lay it down to some funky blues,
But I can’t pretend that it gives me wings,
To get away….
To get away…
To get away…
To get away from you…

[CellarGhosts]

I really liked this alot.

The rhyme scheme was intriguing, and I loved these two lines:

Infuse your muse with scarlet hues
Lay it down to some funky blues

haha just kinda struck me as being real cool.
Good job overall, keep up the good work.

[missmatilde]

I kinda liked all of it and the chorusy- you..may part is really cool! :-)
hope you'll get to finish it, I'd love to read more :-)

[Period Piece]

I really liked this alot.

The rhyme scheme was intriguing, and I loved these two lines:

Infuse your muse with scarlet hues
Lay it down to some funky blues

haha just kinda struck me as being real cool.
Good job overall, keep up the good work.

Cheers Charlie, it means a lot! Hopefully I'll be able to finish it.

[Period Piece]

I kinda liked all of it and the chorusy- you..may part is really cool! :-)
hope you'll get to finish it, I'd love to read more :-)

Thanks! Like I said, I hope that I'll be able to finish it soon!

[CellarGhosts]

Cheers Charlie, it means a lot! Hopefully I'll be able to finish it.
Sure thing, man. Looking forward to a finished piece.

And btw, my name's actually Chris haha, I just chose that username (Charliekilo) since a friend and I have this long-standing inside joke about that "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" song by the Bloodhound Gang hahaha.

I actually get called charlie alot...I'm thinking of paying that full $3.00 for a username change haha.

anyway...keep up the good work.

[missmatilde]

dont' please.... Chris, I love ur unsername! :-) dn't ask me why... but I think was the first I remembered\ associated to someone when I started posting ;-)

[CellarGhosts]

Haha, okay cool. It's fine, really, I probably won't change it. I probably will get used to informing new friends on here of my real name though, haha.

[missmatilde]

:-)

[Period Piece]

Ah! I wasn't sure actually! I'll remember that Chris! :-)

[CellarGhosts]

Haha, cool. thanks

I actually made a note of it in my usertitle for everyone to see hahaha

[Period Piece]

Haha! Now if only that'd been there earlier!

[CellarGhosts]

Haha true true.

[Period Piece]

I've added the rest of what I've written, but I'm not too sure on the overall feel.

[Period Piece]

I've finished the piece totally now and I'm pretty happy, any new critique or comments/suggestions will be awesome! Thanks for reading!

[xsxarexsoxscene]

this is freaking amazing.

your use of alliteration and consonance and assonance is rediculously inspired. and you rhyme so effortlessly!

I agree with Chris that these lines are the best:

Infuse your muse with scarlet hues,
Lay it down to some funky blues,

and this line:

You’re sprinkling senseless syntax, flaxen strands of black



one thing though:
On empty words, you’re broken; black…


pleaseee take out 'black'. thats so incredibly emo and unneccessary in this piece haha.

[Period Piece]

this is freaking amazing.

your use of alliteration and consonance and assonance is rediculously inspired. and you rhyme so effortlessly!

I agree with Chris that these lines are the best:

Infuse your muse with scarlet hues,
Lay it down to some funky blues,

and this line:

You’re sprinkling senseless syntax, flaxen strands of black



one thing though:
On empty words, you’re broken; black…


pleaseee take out 'black'. thats so incredibly emo and unneccessary in this piece haha.

:-) Thank you! It really means a lot.

I'll think of a better word, I was debating a bit when I wrote it I agree that it doesn't fit. I'll come up with an edit as soon as I can.

Thanks again!

[xsxarexsoxscene]

:-) Thank you! It really means a lot.

I'll think of a better word, I was debating a bit when I wrote it I agree that it doesn't fit. I'll come up with an edit as soon as I can.

Thanks again!

you're welcome :)

and honestly, i think it would sound perfect without a word after broken. i think the feeling of being broken just hits home more if you stop there.

[Period Piece]

you're welcome :)

and honestly, i think it would sound perfect without a word after broken. i think the feeling of being broken just hits home more if you stop there.

Ok, I think I'll do that. I can't think of another rhyme to add that wouldn't sound like it was being forced. Thanks!

[xsxarexsoxscene]

Ok, I think I'll do that. I can't think of another rhyme to add that wouldn't sound like it was being forced. Thanks!
i know what you mean, but if its at the end of the stanza and you use a good melody, it doesnt matter - thats how a lot of songwriters do it. :)

[Period Piece]

i know what you mean, but if its at the end of the stanza and you use a good melody, it doesnt matter - thats how a lot of songwriters do it. :)

Ok :-) . I've always written poetry prior to this, so I'm a bit used to closing things off!!

I'm going to try to write a melody for this using acoustic guitar, but I'm too busy write now to put it together. Hopefully I'll be able to this weekend!

[xsxarexsoxscene]

Ok :-) . I've always written poetry prior to this, so I'm a bit used to closing things off!!

I'm going to try to write a melody for this using acoustic guitar, but I'm too busy write now to put it together. Hopefully I'll be able to this weekend!
best of luck!

[hailthewarrior]

I enjoyed this immensely. It was intelligent. And your avatar is pretty much one of the best on the site. I have a pair of sleep pants with that on them.

[Period Piece]

I enjoyed this immensely. It was intelligent. And your avatar is pretty much one of the best on the site. I have a pair of sleep pants with that on them.

Thanks for reading, it's good to know that you enjoyed reading it!

A Monty Python fan then? :P Holy Grail has to be one of the best comedy films of all time! And particular favourite bits?

[Period Piece]

best of luck!


Thank you! I'll try to post the melody once it's done, or at least the tab for it.

[Period Piece]

Thanks to everyone who has critiqued this! I've made a couple of changes based on your comments, mostly words and a little grammar. Thank you! :-)