In Sheets (the Rain Falls Down)

[CellarGhosts]

Oh mercy, oh mercy, I'm go goddamn thirsty.
While rain's pouring down right outside.
Oh mercy, oh mercy, I'm parched and thirsty,
Begging the moon for high tide.

I wish I could torch all of these pages,
The notebooks full of memories.
Wish I could somehow erase you,
Lose your face in this rolling sea.

I'm starving, I'm thirsty; yet not a drop to drink, though there's water all around.
These eyes are just steaming, these arms are just tired
From plowing deep into the ground.

So rip these limbs from their sockets,
And dislocate each aching joint.
Drain my blood into the locker (he gave you),
Let's just get to the point.

Oh mercy, oh mercy I'm so goddamn thirsty.
While the rain is pouring on down.
Oh mercy, oh mercy I'm parched and thirsty.
A prisoner shcakled in this backwater town.

****

I changed it a bit there, and I'm going to expand on it later. I'm keeping the original saved, just incase it's better.

peace.

[megan*]

i really like it. and i would keep the last line, i think it fits.

[CellarGhosts]

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Thanks for the input on the last line there, I guess I'll just have to wait to see what everyone else says about it before I decide whether or not I should keep it.

thanks again.

[thecurerocks182]

Oh mercy, oh mercy,
I'm so goddamned thirsty. <-----I feel you can be more creative with this as "goddamned" just seems to be a cope out. My first impressions of it was that it sounded corny for lack of a better word.
And it's raining in sheets, drumming down. <--- Is it not strange to think that your speaker is extremely dehydrated, yet you describe the setting as an immense downpour.
Oh mercy, oh mercy,
I'm parched and exhausted. parched = thirsty. also, I think it flows better without thirsty.
A shackled prisoner in this backwater town.

It's pouring in a chorus of echoes,
Cascading right down on the roof. <---i like this imagery
I'm struggling to erase you from my dreams,
While struggling with the truth... <--- these lines are very vague and uninspiring. I think if you allow this character to have more significance then it would add a lot more to the piece. It seems like you are mentioning a memory of someone for the sake of filling space. So, make your character seem more involved and flamboyant and it will engage the reader more.

That these memories have rusted right over,
And this heart is beating in half-time.
Old songs filtering in through foggy mornings, <---I dislike this as it adds nothing to the piece. If you are trying to establish a sentimental moment then try to be more creative; just don't write down the first thought that comes to your head.
Forget a penny for your thoughts, I'd pay a damn dime. <---I agree with your dubious feelings because I dislike this line. The tone of the piece seems to be earnest, but this callous line disrupts such feelings.

Anyways, I think this piece has potential but I have read better pieces from you. I'm not entirely sure about what you are trying to convey with this piece which is to say that I don't find it very concise. It seems like you are trying to establish a piece about a captured war veteran as suggested by a shackled prisoner and his struggle to hyrdate himself. However, the last portion of the poem has no revelancy to it, which makes it difficult to understand your intentions. Perhaps, I'm misinterpreting the piece entirely. Lastly, I think you should add quotations to denote when it is the speaker and when it is the character in the story you are refering to. Hope all this was of some use to you...

PS - thanks for reading my lyrics.

[CellarGhosts]

Thanks man, it means alot you took the time to give my piece a full critique like that. I do see what you're saying, and it is of use haha.

I'll revise this one, and really fix it up some more. Hopefully it'll be much better in the end. I've just kinda been drawing blanks lately, when trying to write. I can get some stuff together, yet it all ends up...messy? haha I dunno.

But thanks again, and sure thing. I'm always glad to help out fellow writers haha

[thecurerocks182]

Thanks man, it means alot you took the time to give my piece a full critique like that. I do see what you're saying, and it is of use haha.

I'll revise this one, and really fix it up some more. Hopefully it'll be much better in the end. I've just kinda been drawing blanks lately, when trying to write. I can get some stuff together, yet it all ends up...messy? haha I dunno.

But thanks again, and sure thing. I'm always glad to help out fellow writers haha
Well, I'd like to think that people will return the favour (as you have). It doesn't bother me to write critiques when people take the time to read my stuff and offer some criticism. Hmmm... was my interpretations correct?

PS - I hope to read your comment on my song when you are able to hear it.

[CellarGhosts]

Yeah, your interpretations were correct more or less, in that I wanted to write this one to be one of those pieces that the reader could draw their own conclusions and paint their own mental picture. The line about being shackled could be either literal, as you read it, or metaphorical, so it could go either way.

But yes, thanks again, and once I do get a chance to hear your music, I'll def. let you know what I think.

[xsxarexsoxscene]

I really liked this. you have an amazing skill with choosing words and you paint fantastic pictures.

I loved the first part.

partly, but only partly, because 'oh mercy' reminds me of uncle jesse from full house. haha.

[as_we_learn]

This shit is pretty good. I love the oh mercy as well. The flow is on point so good job overall. Man nice work

[lew_1987]

i think i pretty much agree with what drew said, don't throw this away though you could improve it

[missmatilde]

"these memories have rusted right over,
And this heart is beating in half-time."--> luved
and the mercy thing I really like as well! :-)
I'd love to see where you'll go with this when you finish it :-)

[CellarGhosts]

I really liked this. you have an amazing skill with choosing words and you paint fantastic pictures.

I loved the first part.

partly, but only partly, because 'oh mercy' reminds me of uncle jesse from full house. haha.
Thanks, it really means alot. Seriously haha.

I'm glad you dug this, and hopefully it'll be much better once I revise it.

This shit is pretty good. I love the oh mercy as well. The flow is on point so good job overall. Man nice work
Thanks JR. I really appreciate your input, and it's cool you liked this oh mercys as well haha. I like them myself, to be honest haha.

i think i pretty much agree with what drew said, don't throw this away though you could improve it
Cool, cool.

Thanks man, I'll keep it in mind, and like I said up there, hopefully this'll be much better once I revise/edit/complete it.

thanks again.

"these memories have rusted right over,
And this heart is beating in half-time."--> luved
and the mercy thing I really like as well! :-)
I'd love to see where you'll go with this when you finish it :-)
Thanks Matilde, it does mean alot.

[drummer1400]

I love your ability to write extended metaphors. At first, I agreed with thecurerocks182 on not being sure what you were trying to convey, but now I understand that you wanted the reader to take it into their own hands.

[CellarGhosts]

I edited/changed it...

[missmatilde]

cool! I said it'd go interesting ways.. I like it (even if u took out my fav lines).. my new fav is the all verse after the mercy chorus-like thingy :-)


initial go=so?

[lew_1987]

it's better in some ways, although i don't like the 4th section, i'm not a big fan of such pain/blood metaphors. the rest is better though, keep working on it!

ps. could you check out my latest piece please? its got an mp3 to go with it

[CellarGhosts]

Thanks, Lew. Pain/blood pieces definatley put some people off like that, but to each their own.

And yea, I'll go check out your piece