Calling Out To The Coma Patient

[The Database]

"Calling Out To The Coma Patient"
(J. Froncek)

The cops came by when we crashed our cars
My windshields smashed, my body's a wreck
I'm lying on the pavement now
Waiting for you to save me from this hell
Comatose with plenty of time to think
I wonder if we'll ever get this right
The ambulance came and drove you away
I reached my hand out for you to catch

Can you hear me now?
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
Can you hear me now?
I'm only trying to say what I've always felt

You're only a hospital bed away
Why do we feel a million miles apart?
You grabbed my hand but was it just a reflex?
You're beautiful even all bandaged up
These tubes feed me to keep me alive
But really have we ever lived?
I'm just waiting for you to open those eyes
So I can be assured that it will all be okay

[lew_1987]

i don't think this is anything new really. don't get me wrong, it's good, just nothing exciting. the only line that stuck out to me was "But really have we ever lived?". good try though

[missmatilde]

"These tubes feed me to keep me alive
But really have we ever lived?"
"I reached my hand out for you to catch"
I really liked those lines. I agree with lew, it's not so new as a subject (but nearly everything isn't), but I thought this was pretty tight, and much of a good piece.

[The Database]

Thanks a lot, both of you. Feedback is much appreciated.

[The Database]

Anyone else?
=]

[CellarGhosts]

I agree with what Lew said, in that this wasn't really anything new, but it is a very good effort. I really enjoyed the last stanza. the most out of the entire piece.

Good job.

[matt_rawlings]

It was less of a song or poem, and more just describing the basic things that happen during and after a car crash...there wasn't any real lyrical sentiment in it for me

[xsxarexsoxscene]

i liked it, even though it wasn't anything new as they have said.

if you want to improve upon it though, there is a severe lack of cohesiveness.

for example, these lines do not go into one another at ALL:
You're beautiful even all bandaged up
These tubes feed me to keep me alive


i really do like the line 'you're beautiful even all bandaged up" though. Definitely keep it.

[The Database]

Thanks, all of you. Your comments will be kept for consideration=]