A song to the addicts...

[Iamhome]

If I would've never, made a turn for the better,
this crash would not have caught my eye.
I still hold you close, in my mind,
I could call you a brother,
but I am on the fence, waiting for the wind to blow...

Release this addiction,
it is hurting you so,
and I'm afraid you wont make it out alive,

I wont know if you hear this,
your mind is closed,
and I can't get through...
Words aren't enough,
and they'll never work,
You wont think straight while you're still in the car...

Release this addiction,
it is hurting you so,
and I'm afraid you wont make it out alive...

It's a funny thing this fate,
You never know when it will come,
Look for it when you least expect...
And when it comes,
I hope it hits you so hard you'll have no chance but to break...

[missmatilde]

I think the first verse is quite the stronges part... while I'm not so sure about the chorus...
but I mean, it's good! :-)

[Period Piece]

Totally agree with MissMatilde, good though.

[thecurerocks182]

If I would have never
made a turn for the better
this crash would not have caught my eye. <---the phrasing of this line offsets the flow. Suggestion: this crash could have passed through out of sight.
I still hold you close
in my mind's eye. <---Hamlet anyone?
I could call you a brother,
but I am on the fence
waiting for the wind to blow... <---I think the imagery could be more creative. There seems to be some type of quarrel between your speaker and his brother, however. You ensue such tension with tender imagery which serves more to contradict your intentions. I'm sure if one has strong enough feelings to displace his brother, then waiting for the wind to blow is just not something that best encapsulates the feeling between the two.
Thought I'd fix the apparent grammar problems. Please, keep in consideration that puncutation is not something to use for the sake of using it.

Release this addiction! <---punctuation is your friend.
it is hurting you so, <---how is it hurting him?
and I'm afraid you won't make it out alive, <---build on this feeling. I'm sure you could make this a lot more emotional.

I don't know if you can hear this,
as your mind is closed, <---is closed the best way to express?
and I can't get through...
Words aren't enough,
and they'll never work,
You won't think straight while you're still in the car...

Release this addiction,
it is hurting you so,
and I'm afraid you wont make it out alive...

It's a funny thing this fate,
You never know when it will come,
Look for it when you least expect...
And when it comes,
I hope it hits you so hard you'll have no chance but to break...
I like the sincerity of this piece and the emotion it attempts to evoke, but I believe the simplicity of some of things written bring down the overall piece. I sense that the piece is about a brother who drinks and drives, and the speaker fears that one day he will either destroy himself or others as result of his callous ways. I think the atmosphere is toned down by the simolistic imagery. I think melancholic imagery would best suit this, as it would serve a great purpose in detering the act of driving inebriated (if that is what you are trying to say). Anyways, I hope this is of some use.

PS - check out my lyric/song if you are not busy.

[Iamhome]

I think the first verse is quite the stronges part... while I'm not so sure about the chorus...
but I mean, it's good! :-)

Crazy. The first verse is the only part I've actually fit to music. :) Thanks for the opinion...

Totally agree with MissMatilde, good though.

Thank you!

I like the sincerity of this piece and the emotion it attempts to evoke, but I believe the simplicity of some of things written bring down the overall piece. I sense that the piece is about a brother who drinks and drives, and the speaker fears that one day he will either destroy himself or others as result of his callous ways. I think the atmosphere is toned down by the simolistic imagery. I think melancholic imagery would best suit this, as it would serve a great purpose in detering the act of driving inebriated (if that is what you are trying to say). Anyways, I hope this is of some use.

PS - check out my lyric/song if you are not busy.

Thanks alot, I actually wrote everything from the first chorus on just now. I wanted to get the song out there because I'm having trouble with lyrics for it. You're on the right track with the idea of the song. It's not just about drinking and driving, but self destruction. I used to be pretty deep into drugs - All of the people I hung out with then, still are. It's crazy to see their lives and where they are going and I'm just happy I made it out.


Thank you all for your input, seriously.

[Iamhome]

If I would've never, made a turn for the better,
this crash would not have caught my eye.
I still hold you close, in my mind,
I could call you a brother,
but I am on the fence, waiting for the wind to blow...

Release this addiction,
it is hurting you so,
and I'm afraid you wont make it out alive,

The sad part is,
that when you hear this,
You wont know that its all about you.
You're in denile and you have no reason,
to change these things you do,
You see it funny that we hate it,
you say you're not entrapped,
but you're glued to the seat,
driving faster,
and still heading for the wreck.

Release this addiction,
it is hurting you so,
and I'm afraid you wont make it out alive...

Do you enjoy standing on your parents,
and crushing them to death.
You were given two feet for a reason,
I have a friend who lost his leg,
but he was fighting wars, not starting them,
He isn't building a road of regrets.
Your time is coming,
and a lot is lost,
but like him you need to find a way to stand...

It's a funny thing this fate,
You never know when it will come,
but when it does; I hope it hits you so hard you'll have no chance but to break...

Here is a revised version, please critique.

[CellarGhosts]

Pretty good job.

I thought this was a pretty cool piece overall, but the revised version was better. Still, I just couldn't get all that into it. Not sure why...but it is cool.

[missmatilde]

I like the rewrite, it carries better what you want to say, I think..

[matt_rawlings]

I think it is quite good. It's not great by anymeans, but there is certainly something to the piece.

Well done

[Iamhome]

Thanks everyone for the input...

I'll be recording it soon so check back for a link to hear it.

[Period Piece]

The re-write is a great improvement!