A Tribute to Justus

[proeuthanasia]

i have yet to revise it, i'm just glad i got it done. take a look, let me know what you think.


A Tribute to Justus (yes, it is spelled that way for a reason)
---------------

again this season,
you're in popular demand
don't take it for granted,
enjoy it while it lasts

you know girls can't resist you
you think you're so smooth
i want to puncture your ego,
shove my fingers into your wounds

you're an ocean of arrogance,
your shores unstained by defeat
but someday fishing line will take on a feminine form
and be cast out to sea

an irresistible lure,
you will try to swallow her whole
laced with rust and deciet,
her hooks will snare you by the soul

you will be reeled in above the surface,
expecting you've won
and you will suffocate slowly
beneath the shock and the stun

for the past twelve months,
i've watched your audacity grow
i hope regret rips at your stitches
while your confidence unsews

i want to witness affliction eat you from the inside out,
i want guilt to burrow and nest deep in your head
i will watch it find a comfortable spot on that point
where awarness stops and subconcious begins

a subtle itch lingers
on the edge of my fingertips
i rest soundly knowing that one of these days
they will reach out and tear the smirk from your lips

[JimmyPop333]

I would think this i smore of a poem than a song. There are some interesting lines but a lot of them are a bit too over the top like "if fishing line could take on a feminine form".

[proeuthanasia]

Originally posted by JimmyPop333
I would think this i smore of a poem than a song. There are some interesting lines but a lot of them are a bit too over the top like "if fishing line could take on a feminine form".


1) it's "but someday fishing line with take on a feminine form". big difference.
2) you clearly didn't catch the metaphoric message behind that entire passage.
3) thank you for the input.

[JimmyPop333]

yeah I missed a little bit of that. Just givin my 2 cents.

[proeuthanasia]

comment.

[wewin]

A Tribute to Justus (yes, it is spelled that way for a reason)
---------------

in this season,
you're in popular demand
don't take it for granted,
enjoy it while it lasts
kind of a throwaway stanza. it sets the tone, but it doesn't seem to be on par with the language used in the rest of the song. it's kind of typical sounding. introduce the guy's animalistic nature here, maybe? "in this season" makes me think of hunting season, though, and that's a good set-up for the rest of the song.
you know girls can't resist you
you think you're so smooth
i want to puncture your ego,
shove my fingers into your wounds
the first line is a throwaway...very bland. make it more interesting. is this song about how girls fall for the guy or about the guy kind of consuming the girl? "can't resist" makes me think of the girls as passive creatures being reeled in. so, in this stanza, is the boy the fisherman? you want to see him become the fish? i think that it would be cool to instead make the girls more akin to flys or something small that fish eat, and then to make the girl in the stanza after this one into a hook or a lure. it's just the difference between changing who is the fisherman and who is the fish, but if you make it so the boy is constantly the fish you can emphasize how animalistic he is. on the otherhand, good job keeping the fish/fisherman metaphor going through the whole song. lots of people seem to get sidetracked with all the metaphors they use.
the last two lines could be made stronger by changing them to fit more readily with the fish/fisherman theme.
you're an ocean of arrogance,
your shores unstained by defeat
but someday fishing line will take on a feminine form
and be cast out to sea
the third line is so strong that it makes the rest of the stanza seem unfinished. i think if you keep the metaphors constant (making the boy always the fish or always the fisherman or whatever) through the song instead of changing them (the boy is the fisherman, then an ocean, then a fish) would make it stronger. for example, "you're an ocean of arrogance" could become "you swim in an ocean of arrogance", for example. i think that this stanza would work better if you did that and also if you made the other three lines as strong as the third line.
an irresistible lure,
you will try to swallow her whole
laced with rust and deciet,
her hooks will snare you by the soul
"irresistible lure" makes me think back to "girls can't resist you". good touch. ties the song together. cool how you're depicting the guy as a big dumb fish. maybe emphasize his dumb fishy nature more, make him seem more an animal? i'd change "laced" to something like "crusted" or "buried", a more earthy word for the earthy word rust.
you will be reeled in above the surface,
expecting you've won
and you will suffocate slowly
beneath the shock and the stun
the last line is interesting, but shock and stun are about the same thing. perhaps change one of them to something water-related to tie in both the literal and the metaphorical?
for the past twelve months,
i've watched your audacity grow
i hope regret rips at your stitches
while your confidence unsews
"unsews" i don't think is a word...did you just do that so it rhymes?
i want to witness affliction eat you from the inside out,
i want guilt to burrow and nest deep in your head
i will watch it find a comfortable spot on that point
where awarness stops and subconcious begins
you use some good language in here; describing guilt as sort of animal-like is cool. i think that "eat you from the inside out" could stand some modification to make it stand out more and be more interesting.
[B]a subtle itch lingers
on the edge of my fingertips
i rest soundly knowing that one of these days
they will reach out and tear the smirk from your lips[/B
like "tear the smirk..." line because it has a visceral appeal. Since you can't literally tear a smirk from something, the use of the phrase stands out more and sounds more violent.
the word "itch" is good, the word "subtle" isn't. i think "subtle" is a word that has lost its power, mostly because tts hard to use to any good effect. i mean, if its subtle, it's almost beneath your notice, but when you give note of something (you notice the "itch"), it's not subtle anymore...i just think subtle's a bad word.

overall, i can't say that i'm a gigantic fan of this song because it is a common theme, like a "romance/revenge" kind of song, but it's great because it's a lot stronger than most of the others i've read. you picked a good theme to tie into the song, making it more memorable and unique. unoriginal theme coupled with an original portrayal. good job. let me know what you think of this critique.

[Rufio217]

Ha Ha....I hate fishing it's so boring, but this definitely made it more interesting....Kinda cool to see the stand point of a chick on guys, when most music is in reverse.

[proeuthanasia]

Originally posted by wewin
A Tribute to Justus (yes, it is spelled that way for a reason)
---------------

[B]in this season,
you're in popular demand
don't take it for granted,
enjoy it while it lasts
kind of a throwaway stanza. it sets the tone, but it doesn't seem to be on par with the language used in the rest of the song. it's kind of typical sounding. introduce the guy's animalistic nature here, maybe? "in this season" makes me think of hunting season, though, and that's a good set-up for the rest of the song.
you know girls can't resist you
you think you're so smooth
i want to puncture your ego,
shove my fingers into your wounds
the first line is a throwaway...very bland. make it more interesting. is this song about how girls fall for the guy or about the guy kind of consuming the girl? "can't resist" makes me think of the girls as passive creatures being reeled in. so, in this stanza, is the boy the fisherman? you want to see him become the fish? i think that it would be cool to instead make the girls more akin to flys or something small that fish eat, and then to make the girl in the stanza after this one into a hook or a lure. it's just the difference between changing who is the fisherman and who is the fish, but if you make it so the boy is constantly the fish you can emphasize how animalistic he is. on the otherhand, good job keeping the fish/fisherman metaphor going through the whole song. lots of people seem to get sidetracked with all the metaphors they use.
the last two lines could be made stronger by changing them to fit more readily with the fish/fisherman theme.
you're an ocean of arrogance,
your shores unstained by defeat
but someday fishing line will take on a feminine form
and be cast out to sea
the third line is so strong that it makes the rest of the stanza seem unfinished. i think if you keep the metaphors constant (making the boy always the fish or always the fisherman or whatever) through the song instead of changing them (the boy is the fisherman, then an ocean, then a fish) would make it stronger. for example, "you're an ocean of arrogance" could become "you swim in an ocean of arrogance", for example. i think that this stanza would work better if you did that and also if you made the other three lines as strong as the third line.
an irresistible lure,
you will try to swallow her whole
laced with rust and deciet,
her hooks will snare you by the soul
"irresistible lure" makes me think back to "girls can't resist you". good touch. ties the song together. cool how you're depicting the guy as a big dumb fish. maybe emphasize his dumb fishy nature more, make him seem more an animal? i'd change "laced" to something like "crusted" or "buried", a more earthy word for the earthy word rust.
you will be reeled in above the surface,
expecting you've won
and you will suffocate slowly
beneath the shock and the stun
the last line is interesting, but shock and stun are about the same thing. perhaps change one of them to something water-related to tie in both the literal and the metaphorical?
for the past twelve months,
i've watched your audacity grow
i hope regret rips at your stitches
while your confidence unsews
"unsews" i don't think is a word...did you just do that so it rhymes?
i want to witness affliction eat you from the inside out,
i want guilt to burrow and nest deep in your head
i will watch it find a comfortable spot on that point
where awarness stops and subconcious begins
you use some good language in here; describing guilt as sort of animal-like is cool. i think that "eat you from the inside out" could stand some modification to make it stand out more and be more interesting.
a subtle itch lingers
on the edge of my fingertips
i rest soundly knowing that one of these days
they will reach out and tear the smirk from your lips[/B
like "tear the smirk..." line because it has a visceral appeal. Since you can't literally tear a smirk from something, the use of the phrase stands out more and sounds more violent.
the word "itch" is good, the word "subtle" isn't. i think "subtle" is a word that has lost its power, mostly because tts hard to use to any good effect. i mean, if its subtle, it's almost beneath your notice, but when you give note of something (you notice the "itch"), it's not subtle anymore...i just think subtle's a bad word.

overall, i can't say that i'm a gigantic fan of this song because it is a common theme, like a "romance/revenge" kind of song, but it's great because it's a lot stronger than most of the others i've read. you picked a good theme to tie into the song, making it more memorable and unique. unoriginal theme coupled with an original portrayal. good job. let me know what you think of this critique.



exactly what i was looking for. someone to tear the song apart and critique it piece by piece. although i don't agree with you on a few points, your post is, overall, extremely helpful and filled with good advice. you have undoubtedly contributed immensely to the betterment of this song. thanks wewin.

[richter915]

I think it's decent...ya the theme is being overdone nowadays but it's different since for once it's coming from the feminine point of view...which is almost always the case in a lot of romances...men...more like boys...cheat on their women just as much as the women on them...nice job jessica...

[xxMichaelxx]

wow, im honored just to be able to comment on this song, the extended metaphor makes this song icing. good job!!!!

[proeuthanasia]

Originally posted by xxMichaelxx
wow, im honored just to be able to comment on this song, the extended metaphor makes this song icing. good job!!!!


haha. wow. thank you. that really makes me proud.