The Concrete Fortress

[lew_1987]

Here's a poem for "y'all", which i just finished. I may turn it into a song, but for now it's just a poem. Let me know what you think.


Wither. Wither,
As you sleep in your beds.
It’s the best way to be;
When roadside cafés can never be reclaimed.
It’s testament to our voracious hands.

Keep coming back for more,
It’s never going to stop.

Walking past empty shop windows,
I’ve sunk myself into my own reflection,
Buried past thoughts of socialists.
But I’m wondering…
Is it too soon to give in?

Louder. Louder,
Miles of tarmac and plastic birds
Only lead me to this concrete fortress.
And I keep coming back for more,
Because it’s never going to stop.

[a speedo model]

Very nice. The first 3 or so lines felt a bit awkward but other then that this was very solid. I enjoyed it alot. Nice work man.

[CellarGhosts]

This was really solid. Cool job.

[black rose]

I liked this, but I didn't like the last two lines in the first stanza. But other than that, not bad.

[matt_rawlings]

I like it.

I have absolutly no idea what it could mean but it is interesting and well thought out.

[manican sex]

i liked it alot, only complaint would be to short. but maybe i liked it because it was just enough. who knows. but good shit.

-bubb

[as_we_learn]

This was cool Lew man. The flow was good with an exception of the first couple lines. This was pretty good though man I enjoyed alot.

[lew_1987]

thanks guys! i might look at the first stanza again seeing as people have been poiting it out a lot. to matt and anyone else whos interested, its about capitalism.

[Period Piece]

I think this would work really well as a song if it was lengthened. Great job Lew, it's really solid and has flow. Great job!

[CellarGhosts]

This was really good overall, but for some reason the lines "voracious hands" really threw me off in the first stanza.
Other than that, no real complaints.

[lew_1987]

thanks chris and "period piece". i'll have a look at revising it some time.