my song

[fixMybrokenJAW]

well i started writing this song and i never knew how to finish it and my friend helped me out. eh i dunno. tell me what u think.


Eleven in the Morning

It’s eleven at night and I’m sitting here
Trying to get my mind cleared
The night is all a blur
Why am I so unheard?
The shades were pulled over your eyes
That’s no surprise

The blood drips from my hands
You’re lying there on the floor
I cry out, Why cant I be heard?

It’s eleven in the morning and I’m waiting here
The ER is a scary place
Sit and pace
I’m wondering if you’re okay
Why would you do this to me?
Can’t you see your all I need

The blood drips from my hands
Youre lying there on the floor
I cry out, Why cant I be heard?

The scars and memories will always stay
You pulled the trigger and whats there to say
I was so close yet to far
You didn’t even let me get out of the car
No fair warnings and no signs
The dirty red liquid spreads to the door
I cant help you anymore

And im still here crying out
Yet no one is listening
Im never heard
And as my presence is in the ER
My mind is still back in the car
:confused:

[Rufio217]

the fact that you couldn't finish it yourself with an ab rhyming scheme tells you, that it was forced.....let teh wrods flow, don't make it so it has to rhyme...it loses a lot then.

[xxMichaelxx]

its pretty good, i like it, but one thing i suggest: change the line "
I was so close yet to far" that phrase is used more than a Finnish prostitute. other than that, mad props

[ISuckYoungBlood]

Originally posted by Rufio217
the fact that you couldn't finish it yourself with an ab rhyming scheme tells you, that it was forced.....let teh wrods flow, don't make it so it has to rhyme...it loses a lot then.

I would normallly give you suggestions on how to make it better but one, I am time limited two I really would like to comment on work that you put ur heart into.

O and Mike killer line with the prositute thing. Ha ha ha. I enjoyed it.